Hi. It sounds cliche but I do want to start an affair. Or I think that is what I want. I have been with my partner for 13 years and love her very much but I miss the excitement of new. Am I just being selfish and horrible?:bang:
Why do you want to do it? It does not sound like a cliché actually, I have never heard of anyone consciously considering having an affair just for the heck of it. Usually it is a spur of the moment thing from what I understand. In my opinion an affair is almost always an extremely selfish thing to do. The only exception is if you are in an arranged relationship/marriage and have no say in being in it. Since you are consciously considering it, my opinion is that it makes it all that much more selfish. If you are not satisfied with your current partner, you should try to talk to her to fix that. If your love life with her has gotten boring, talk to her about it and find ways to spice it up again! There are lots of ways of doing that. Like go on dates like its your first with each other and change up your sex life, go do it on a beach or in the backseat of the car or wherever you would feel would make it exciting, and try new positions and/or toys if possible. Take her out on a surprise date to where you first met/your first date was. Another option is for you to take long vacations to different countries/states, a month or more away from each other is likely to spark some feelings when you have a chance to miss each other. If you are simply bored in the relationship, do something about it! If you feel you are polyamorous and need to have more than one partner, talk to her about the possibility of opening up the relationship, maybe she would be interested in that too and she might even be having similar thoughts and desires. If she is not up for that, you need to have a serious talk about how to go from there and go to couples counseling if you can. If you have agreed to be monogamous with your partner, you owe it to her to keep up your end of the bargain unless you change that agreement either by opening up the relationship or breaking up. Part of being a responsible adult is knowing when what you want is not what is right, and choosing not to do it. If you absolutely need to do it, you find a way to make it right no matter how difficult it is, or seek help if it is something which cannot be made right. You did the right thing by coming here and asking for advice, it shows you know you are considering doing something you should not. Hopefully you will find some of my advice useful, and if not I hope someone else can help you. I also really hope you can find a way to make things exciting again with your partner!
I agree with HappyGirlLucky. Whatever the reason for you to consider having an affair (and it sounds like boredom is driving you - please let us know if there is more going on) you should consider the impact on your relationship and on your partner. How would she feel if she found that you had an affair? Are you prepared for the loss of your relationship if she finds out? How much would you destroy her faith in people and honest if you did that? You need to think about what your actions might do to her. If this desire is due a problem in your relationship then you need to speak to your partner about it and try to resolve it. You really need to think about what has caused you to think this way and just be clear with her about what going on with you and see where you two are.
All I have to say to this is, please, do not cheat on your partner. If you truly loved her then you wouldn't want to. If you truly loved her then you won't want her feeling like shit for god-knows-how-long because she, what, couldn't be enough for you? If you want to try being poly obviously that's different, but you need to discuss it with her beforehand. Perhaps you could try other ways to make your relationship more exciting first? It doesn't always have to involve new people.
I agree with HappyGirlLucky, Barbatus, and Gunsmoke. Having an affair could devastatingly affect your relationship with your partner and could destroy your partner's faith in people and her self-esteem and confidence. I advise you to follow HappyGirlLucky's advice. Cheating on your partner, whether it is a one-time thing or not, just because you aren't completely satisfied sexually is extremely selfish in my opinion.
If you want new that badly, then break up with your partner first. Your having an affair while in a relationship is not fair to your partner.
Yep. In my opinion, cheating is one of the worst things you can do to a person. Please, please try every alternative you can think of.
I agree with all the others. Think about how *you* would feel if your roles were reversed, and your partner, whom you loved with all your heart, cheated on you. Words don't describe the devastation and hurt that someone experiences when that happens. So the only way you can reasonably rationalize doing that is if you don't care about your partner. And if that's the case, then you need to end the relationship before you hook up with someone else. Please, if you must do that, break up with your partner first.
I'll echo what has already been said. There is no excuse for cheating. There is no "but..." when betraying someone that loves you. If you aren't happy in your relationship, then talk to your partner, or consider breaking up. Cheating is not the answer, and it creates much more harm than good.
I totally agree with Awesome...I've mentioned in a previous thread about a guy that I came acquainted with who was very similar to you. He was having affairs with a lot of men behind his wife's back and yet...he made several attempts to have one with me and all the while constantly mentioning how much he loved his wife. I just feel if you love your wife as much as you claim to ...then you will not put her through such a terrible situation just for your selfish pleasures. The most admirable thing to do is break up with your wife first and foremost. If you decide not to..then eventually whats in the dark will come to light sooner or later and then you will really have a problem on your hands.:eusa_naug
Thanks for the responses. You are all right off course. We have not been happy and it is hard to think that I might loose her. Maybe I just want to feel better about myself again.
Unfortunately for me...I have to keep it real and not sugar coat my responses which some people may not like and then some may find my responses to be helpful or thought provoking especially with a topic such as this. Honestly...you are putting another individual's heart and feelings in harm's way due to the fact that you are not feeling good about yourself. In that respect...its just a shame to me that you have not considered the fact that if and when you do have this affair that your partner will not suffer from the effects of you having this affair due to you wanting to feel good about yourself because you are not happy with the current status of your relationship. Well...what if she felt the same way as you??? ...as a matter of fact...what makes you think that she doesn't have the same feelings as you do in regards to not being happy within the relationship??? Would you be so understanding about the situation if the roles were reversed??? Furthermore...you've mentioned that you two have not been happy and its difficult for you to imagine the thought of losing her....and yet...here you are considering making matters worst by having an affair...as if this is the key to resolve the problems within your relationship. Perhaps if you really care for her...you will have an honest conversation with her about the status of your relationship and you two put your feelings on the table so to speak. That way you both will not have to assume or imagine what each others' thoughts or feelings about the relationship. If this doesn't help you both come to terms that there are issues within your relationship and you really want to stay together...then probably you should seek some kind of counseling to piece things back together. This why when two people commit themselves in an union and it called "Relationship" think about it...its like a ship...it tosses and turns and the waves sometimes the waves crashes which causes troublesome waters. Just a scenario on my part and therefore, you have to find the tools and options to calm the waters. :help:
Hi Chuck79, If you have been unhappy within your relationship then the next step seems to be speaking to your spouse about things. Do you think she has been unhappy as well? If so you could open by asking her how she is feeling about your relationship and whether she has found some difficulty with things. Otherwise maybe you could open up by clearly and calmly stating your feelings about things. If you decide to speak to her, I think you should be able to answer (not completely perhaps) the question: what do you think is not working in your relationship? Maybe go through it on here if that will help clarify your thoughts but this is perhaps the best route to take.
If you want to cheat, then you are obviously not happy in your relationship with your current partner. Firstly, don't cheat, it never ends well and it leaves too many parties hurt, if you really loved your partner you wouldn't do that with them. If you want to leave, then leave, and don't drag things out. I can tell you, things never end up well for a cheater. So you cheat on your partner, all that shows to your new partner is that you are a cheater, nothing more. They will be quite hesitant to be with a cheater. There is a saying, once a cheater always a cheater, and I do think that is mostly true, don't go down that road, there is no return from that. If you want to stay with your partner, I think there are things you need to discuss. But, if you have already given this some thought, you may be past that point already. Good Luck.
Do you think your relationship with your partner is broken beyond repair? If not, I would suggest relationship counselling for both of you. It might be a hard process, but it will be less bumpy than having an affair, I promise you. Other contributors have rightly asked you to consider your partners feelings, but you also need to consider your own. Carrying on an affair is not easy on anyone. It's likely that you would experience increasing feelings of guilt and shame as you maintain the deception. That's not a comfortable way to live.
I don't understand the point of this topic. You know it's bad. Don't do it. And also break up with your partner if these thoughts of cheating persist.