HELP.... I need advise and feeback

I am so confused and need any feedback that will help me understand my situation that has been going on for well over 9 years. I am been with my husband for 13 years and married for 10. We met in medical school and he was actually married to someone else at the time. His ex-wife mumbled something to me once and I asked her what she meant by that and she responded - I am not going to talk about our sex life with you but you will find out in due time. I did not know what she was referring to as we were have great sex at the time. After about a year, he started getting sick and he found out he had colon cancer. During this period of time, he did not feel well and was treated for cancer with radiation, surgery and chemo. After his recovery, he had to have a colostomy (permanent). We talked about this and continued to have sex on occasion and even got married after his surgical procedure. We then went through medical residency together and the hours and time away from each other did not foster a sexual relationship. After we finished residency, he had to go to an alcoholic rehab center for 3 months. When he returned home, he seemed to have no interest in sex at all. He did watch a lot of porn - which he did before - and when I would catch him, I would be disappointed that he did not try to initiate sex with me - but spend time masturbating to porn. It really hurt me that he was choosing porn over sex with me.

He took a job where he was gone a week and home a week. He was not supposed to drink, but was able to predict when his sobriety urine test would come up and would drink to excess on certain days of the week. When he did this, I was informed by my son and several other men that he would attempt to kiss them and get extra friendly when he was drinking. Given the fact that we had sex only one time after he got out of rehab and only because he felt obligated and that was scary - that was in August of 2011. Several times I would after I would try to initiate sex with him and he would make excuses or different sorts - even saying you don't want to have sex with me I disgust you. I said "no" - your condition is not an issue. He insist that I his body disgusts me. I reminded him that I married him AFTER he got the colostomy,

Well 5 years later, still no sex or intimacy in our marriage. Part of his drinking and working so many hours was to pretend he was dead tired all the time and if not sleeping, would be drunk. He seemed to not care about my sexual needs or my intimacy needs at all. He would have very little contact me with while at home, very few conversations and make his obligatory call before he went to work and talk for maybe at most 3 to 5 min.

I am just so confused as there are so many ways to show intimacy and sexual attention in so many ways. He rejects all of them. Last year I finally got him to go out of town with me on a business meeting (after his second rehab) of getting caught drinking and we had a good time - still no intimacy or sex - matter of fact he slept in the second bed or on the hotel room couch.

To sum up my fears and concerns, avoidance through actual or perceived fatigue, verified reports of him trying to kiss my son and others while under the influence, avoidance of any intimate or sexual connection with me. Matter of fact he has begun to hate my son (age 37) and I have even heard reports that he wanted him killed and had offered people money to do it. My son of course rejected him. He has even grabbed his leg a couple of time in the car and on the farm gator. When I approached him with what I heard, he denied it. When I approached him with his perceived gay behavior he denies it. When I approached him about attempting to kiss other males when drinking, he denies it. When I specifically ask him if he ever plans on being intimate with me again, he says I don't think I can have sex anymore. This could be due to his medical condition, his sexual confusion or his addiction to porn - I just don't know. I am very successful and attractive and he has made me feel worthless about myself. I told him that - he has nothing to say back but the words - I know I disgust you because I disgust myself sometimes. He goes to a therapist due to his rehab requirements but don't think he talks to her about any of this.

Maybe I have made excuses for him like, sick, tired, overworked, stressed, busy, drunk?

He seems to compensate when he tells me and other how many "tittie rubs" he gets from the nursing staff during his shift at the hospital.

We are currently separated and he says he does not want a divorce, but really does not want to live with me either. I have poked around on his phone and email and can't find any place where he is having an affair with a man or woman. But people always have private emails and can clear their texting history too.

What does anyone else think about this scenario? I often hear that when a person is drunk their true self comes out as well as their sexual interests?

Would love to have feedback......

Honesty and straight forward feedback appreciated.

 

I so appreciate your feedback. Divorce has never been my goal but given the fact he refuses to be intimate, I feel I have no choice. Due to rectal cancer, he received a permanent colostomy and seemed to deal with it for a while as we still had sex on occasion and intimacy. But over the past 6-7 years he has decided that his colostomy disgusts me and says "he is mutilated now". I have never made him feel that way or felt that way myself as he had his colostomy placed in 2005 and we married in 2006.

I tell him I feel rejected and lonely. He responds by saying - how do you think I feel, I have been mutilated and I am now disgusting. I tell him that I need intimacy but he responds - this is not about you - this is about me. I say - it affects me and causing me a lot of emotional pain - intimacy is more than just intercourse.

That is why I think he is hiding behind his colostomy as I think his reason for lack of intimacy towards me is (1) his colostomy (2) Porn addiction causing sexual problems (3) given his history of drinking and getting inappropriate with guys - gay?

What I don't understand if we had good sex when we met - why did he withdraw? If he was bi-sexual then I would like he would continue to have sex with me and get friendly with men when drunk?

Bottom line - he does not seem to understand the concept of intimacy or my needs. All he keeps saying is "this is NOT about you and has nothing to do with you".

I feel his problems are multifactorial - I am writing on this forum to get other's opinions and thoughts as if I try to do this by myself I will not see both sides.

Looking for a good therapist in my area and plan to go.

So appreciate everyone taking the time to give me their thoughts.