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Protip to anyone dealing with a non-out friend

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by heythere999, Sep 26, 2016.

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  1. heythere999

    heythere999
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    Do.

    Not.

    Bother.


    I have, not once, seen something like a friend who is closeted to themselves flirting with another person turn out successfully.

    When someone is in the closet to themselves, and flirts with someone of the same sex, and also does stuff (whether hooking up or being in a relationship) with the opposite sex... that's not going to turn out well.

    Their image is more important than you are.

    They are not ready to accept themselves and you trying to force that will push them away even more. And most likely, they will not be ready for a long, long, long time. I'm talking years. Decades.

    It is best to move on, when the person is closeted to themselves.

    Dealing with a closeted person who is at least out to themselves is already an annoying battle on its own, but when they aren't even out to themselves... it's not worth it.

    Run away as soon as possible. Otherwise you could seriously be in a world of hurt. The outcome has never been good.

    You deserve someone who will love you, and love you openly. Not someone who can't even admit it to themselves, or someone who can't admit it to others.
     
    #1 heythere999, Sep 26, 2016
  2. I'm gay

    I'm gay
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    Hi. Is this thread coming from a personal experience you've been dealing with? Would you like to share about that?

    I don't disagree with your post. Now that I have come out of the closet, I won't be dating anyone who is closeted - primarily because that would essentially put me back in the closet with them in order to be with them. And I won't do that.

    However, to be a friend, I might try to help them in similar ways to my posting here to try to help others.
     
    #2 I'm gay, Sep 26, 2016
  3. Trooper

    Trooper
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    Well said!

    Dating someone who is closeted, I can understand. That is something you can work with. But those who don't even accept themselves, and try to keep up appearances that they are straight? Just no.
     
    #3 Trooper, Sep 26, 2016
  4. Chip

    Chip
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    If you think about it, the people who most deeply need our compassion, our kindness, and our empathy are those who are in the earliest stage (denial) in the stages of loss in processing their coming out.

    These folks can do the most obvious things that everybody with a clue *knows* shows that they're gay... and never realize it... and never own up to it when confronted. Often times, they aren't lying to you. They're so stuck in their own denial that they don't, themselves, believe that they're anything but straight.

    So saying "don't bother"... well, that works, but it isn't the kind and considerate thing to do.

    What we can do is love them and appreciate them unconditionally, for who they are, recognize their struggles, their back-and-forth in accepting themselves and then not accepting... and just recognize that this is the place they are.

    Now... I wouldn't suggest getting in a relationship with someone like this; that would more than likely be codependent and not terribly healthy for anyone. But being there and being supportive, for someone you care about as a friend... that's a really special gift that will be (eventually) much appreciated.
     
    #4 Chip, Sep 27, 2016
  5. heythere999

    heythere999
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    If that person has messed with your feelings and once confronted lies to you and tries to mess with your mind and do whatever it takes to protect themselves, that person doesn't deserve any empathy.

    I have tried to be "patient" and "loving" with someone closeted to themselves before and that only bit me in the ass extremely hard. If you have had romantic tension with someone closeted to themselves, like, it's not going to end well. You need to go away. It won't be your place to deal with them.
     
    #5 heythere999, Sep 28, 2016
    Last edited: Sep 28, 2016
  6. Chip

    Chip
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    It may not be our place to help them through their journey, but everyone is worthy of empathy and compassion. The experiences we have, if slew see them through the right lens, help us to gain insight into ourselves.
     
    #6 Chip, Sep 28, 2016
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