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Oh my God, I'm so in love!

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Benway, Sep 26, 2016.

  1. Benway

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    Hey, Empty Closets, it's been quite some time since I posted here. Some of you may know me, others don't. I'd been struggling with my sexuality for over ten years, trying to repress it and suppress my same sex attraction.

    Until I met my boyfriend.

    I've never felt this way about another human being before. It's incredible, and it's with another guy. I mean, I had feelings for a girl once, but it doesn't really hold a candle to what I'm feeling right now. It's so weird, it's like all my self-condemnation and self-hatred is being poured down a drain and being replaced with love for this man. We have so much in common and our sexual chemistry is great!

    There's just one problem: He's out to his family but I'm not out to my Mom. I don't know how I'm going to be bringing him home when she's home (I live with my Mom) and explaining myself to her. I'm not ready to come out to her, yet and my boyfriend has agreed to keep things discrete. But it could pose a serious problem to what seems like a great relationship. Right now I'm just telling her he's a buddy of mine I met through another friend of mine that she knows, but she's incredibly overbearing and somewhat homophobic and I certainly don't think she wants to think of her son like that.

    Does anybody have any advice?
     
  2. biAnnika

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    (((((((((( Benway, oh Benway ))))))))))))

    I am so happy for you! I remember all the angles of your journey...how far you've come! So exciting!!

    That is one reason in itself why you should be at ease with this next step...you've come so far against such odds, it must be necessary...so the next step will work out too.

    It's not actually clear what you're asking for help with though. If you're not comfortable doing things at your house, then spend more time at his. But do be thinking about coming out to your mom. Think about your own journey here...she too has a journey to embark on...don't hold her up the way you held yourself up. If she loves you then she'll get through this ok. Often it takes knowing a gay person for a homophobe to start shedding their homophobia.

    I'm not suggesting that you come out before you're ready. I'm just suggesting that doing it will feel good for you (certainly in the long run) and spark necessary growth in her. Ask yourself why you're waiting...or what you're waiting for.

    But such *hugs* on your progress!!
     
  3. PatrickUK

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    This is so much more positive Benway. The tone of this thread stands in marked contrast to your previous contributions on Empty Closets. As you have recognised, the self-condemnation and self-hatred is replaced by a better and more healthy set of feelings.

    The next stage on your journey (coming out to your mom) will be difficult, but with the love and support of your boyfriend, and us, it is achievable. As you contemplate telling her, keep in mind how your mood has changed as a result of meeting your boyfriend.

    It's hard to predict how parents will react. Some parents make homophobic comments, but when they are confronted with the reality that their own son/daughter is gay or bi, attitudes change. If we demonstrate a willingness to help them understand it can be quite positive.

    While we are in the closet all relationships are quite superficial and one of the best ways to come out to parents is to address that key point. You're not coming out to damage the relationship with them (or wider family), but to better it. You are taking the risk for a good reason, because the thing that's most damaging is maintaining the lie and carrying a degree of resentment around with you because you are unable to be authentic and true to yourself.

    I agree that you shouldn't rush, but with the support of your boyfriend it will be easier. You can do this!
     
  4. robclem21

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    I'm going to add here that I have been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years and he is in a very similar situation to you. I am out to nearly everybody but he is not out to his family or friends.

    While I cannot say that it has been a perfect ride, and this situation has not always been easy for us, I have always supported his choices and made sure he knows that he needs to do everything on his schedule.

    I think eventually, this is something that will have to be done to continue to grow as a couple. However, if your relationship is as strong as you say, you should remember that your bf will support you and love you regardless. Do this at a pace you are comfortable with and theres no reason to question how it makes him feel about you.
     
  5. Benway

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    Thanks, Annika, you've been a big help to me over all this time and I appreciate it. Your support is not without gratitude.

    Anyway, I am comfortable doing things (sex stuff) at my house as long as my Mom's not home. My brother also lives with us but he doesn't care and he knows I'm gay. Here's the weird thing about me: I'm out to everyone, literally everyone except for my Mom. Even my Baptist father knows and he's cool with it. The thing about my Mom is that I live in fear of her because of her passive-aggressive attitude towards me and the fact that she is constantly overbearing and 'protective' of me even though I'm almost 29 years old. She needs to know what I'm doing, when I'm doing it and why.

    I talked it over with a friend and my brother they both think coming out to my Mom is a bad idea. My friend has a lesbian mother and stepmom, and according to him whenever he's brought them up in front of my Mom he seemed to notice "micro-aggressive" facial reactions to the thought of lesbianism. There was a point where I told my Mom that I was questioning my sexuality and for about a year after that she'd hit me with the question "Are you still gay?" Until I finally buckled and told her it had all just been a phase and that was when I really got deeper into self-loathing and started having sex with a girl who I didn't even like-- to please my mother. So now she thinks I'm straight when I'm probably queerer than Burroughs.

    Thanks, I appreciate that.

    And like I said, literally everyone knows except my Mom. I'm thinking my next course of action should be to contact my uncle, who is also gay and ask him for help, my Mom freaking loves my gay uncle but hasn't spoken with him in years (he's on my Dad's side of the family and after my parents divorced the two sides drifted apart.). I think his input could be invaluable, unfortunately I'm not sure how to get in contact with him. I'll have to ask my Dad.

    Another issue at hand is that my boyfriend is Puerto Rican, and for whatever reason my Mom despises Puerto Ricans, so even if she is okay with my being queer she's gonna start asking weird questions like "Why can't you find a nice white boy?" But he (my boyfriend) has said he's very protective of his man and will do what he can to show her he's a good guy in time if and when I'm ready to come out to this dangerously unstable woman. But yeah, with his support it should be a bit breezier than me just saying I'm queer to my Mom.
     
  6. AKTodd

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    Congratulations!!!(!):thumbsup::eusa_danc

    As others have said, it's great to see how you've progressed since you first arrived on EC.

    Regarding the situation with your mom.

    You probably already know this, based on some of what you've said here, but it sounds like your mom is the kind of person who will find some reason to push your buttons, regardless of the situation. So I wouldn't be surprise if, after some time to adjust to the idea, she comes to accept you as gay and even to accept your BF.

    That said, I also wouldn't be surprised if she still finds issues to poke at you about. Because it sounds like that is just her way.

    This may be a case of picking your battles and occasionally either responding with good humor that doesn't engage with her attempts to push buttons and also doesn't let her attempts at such bother you. That might make for a more pleasant time for you all around, not just in the area of your sexuality or relationship.

    Just thought I'd throw that thought out there. YMMV.

    Congrats again and best of luck to you moving forward!(*hug*)

    Todd
     
  7. Benway

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    That does sound remarkably similar to my situation, but from the other side. Like I said, my boyfriend is out to everyone, including his family, whereas I'm out to everyone except my mother. My friends all put on this charade that I'm straight when they're around my Mom because they know she might react badly to her hearing the news of my sexuality. My one friend was honestly shocked when he found out that she (my mother) didn't know. He asked me "how does she not know?"

    Thanks for your kind words!

    Well, my Mom always is poking at me about something, but she does it in this weird passive-aggressive way instead of just flat out saying what's on her mind and when it's all said and done it either leaves everybody feeling really bad or, much more rarely, it ends in a screaming match in which she makes everyone except her out to be the bad guy when she knows she's been being the bad guy. I have to walk on eggshells around her because of this disposition.

    Responding with humor may be a viable option, I already do things with my Mom that many other gay men do with their mothers: We clean the house together, pick out groceries together and most prominently we go to the mall and shop together; the red flags of me being queer are probably blinding her to the truth as I don't know of any of my straight friends doing those sorts of things with their mothers. But I tip-toe around my sexuality with her because of her not-so-sunny reaction to when I once told her I was questioning my sexuality. Like I said for a year after that she was asking me the question "Are you still gay?" And that really bothered me to the point that I started dating and ultimately having really unsatisfactory sex with girls.
     
  8. PatrickUK

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    Benway, you've already raised the subject with her once and she continued to ask for a year if you are "still gay", so this seed has been well planted in her mind. The fact that you had to retreat from coming out due to the stress is unfortunate, but this hasn't gone away, I promise you. It will still be at the back of her mind.

    When the time comes, I would urge you to look at the PFLAG website for resources and reading material for parents. Maybe print some of the information off and leave it with a note for your mom to read... something like "I need you to read this mom, because...". It's not perfect, but it might be easier than a difficult conversation in the heat of the moment. What do you think?
     
  9. Benway

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    I suppose it is at the back of her mind, but I've put a lot into proving to her that it was "just a phase" and besides, the last time she asked me if I was "still gay" was over four years ago. On the other hand, I did go to a therapist who specialized in LGBT stuff for a long time and she knew about it so there's that.

    Could you provide me with some links and other literature I should look at regarding this stuff? I'll check out PFLAG but I wanna know everything I can before I even think about coming out to her. She's very unstable when it comes to sensitive issues like this and I'm really nowhere near ready to talk to this about her especially considering the fact that she's going through menopause right now and is even more unstable than usual.