I'm a closet married bisexual - should I come out?

It's hard to say as you probably can guess your wife's reaction better than us, but I personally feel like coming out as bisexual to your wife shouldn't be such a big deal. It's not that you are gay and don't feel attraction to her, or that you are telling her you've cheated on her. It's just your sexual orientation, a part of who you are. You didn't disclose this earlier on, but we don't tell a lot of things to our partner. Maybe she would be surprised and ask you why you didn't tell her before, but could she really leave you simply because of your sexual orientation?? If you really think so, then it's best not to risk it, given how you two have children as well. Perhaps find other friends you can come out to instead. I would sure hope for your marriage that your wife is someone who can accept this about her husband though.

 

Sorry but this personally offended me. You were fully aware of your sexuality and yet you still--- nevermind.

Look, you are bisexual, and you still have these very strong urges and thoughts during your straight marriage. You know what that means? You probably ain't exactly bi, in the sense that your attraction is 50/50.

And there is a gain... It's you being free and living a true life and not living a lie. You CAN come out and you CAN be with a man. Be your damn self and don't be a coward.

You have one life. Don't live it according to some image you have in your head. Yes, it's late, you already have a wife and kids. But now you've learned that you cannot repress these urges forever. Now you can come out, deal with the consequences you, no offense, fully deserve, live an honest life, and then also try to educate people, and to perhaps find a way to make sure other closeted people realize that they cannot repress their thoughts forever.

 

Keith,

Despite what heythere999 says, looking out for the best interests of your family is not cowardly. He's not a parent, so I don't think he really understands your situation in the same way that I do.

With that said, however, I think you should consider the following thoughts I have on your dilemma.

1. It sounds like you have (maybe recent?) strong desires to be with a man. I don't know if there is a particular man that has brought this to the forefront of your mind, but I don't think you were in this much turmoil when you married. Sure, it was there, but I imagine you were in denial about your bisexuality at that time. Does that ring true? If your desires to be with a man have increased over time, I think you need to realize that this isn't going to go away, it's only going to get stronger. The next logical step that many men go to is to cheat on your wife by having sex with men outside your marriage. This is a monumentally bad idea, and will only compound your problems.

2. If you believe that the ONLY reason for coming out is for authenticity's sake, and you do not intend to act upon your desires for men, then I agree with your friend that it will serve no purpose to come out at this time. However, as I said before, I don't think your desires will go away, so be careful about making another decision here that will affect even more years of both of your lives.

3. You can come out. You will not be destroying your family. You, your wife, and your children will always be a family, whether you are married or not, whether you live with them full time or not. You will always be your children's father. You coming out doesn't change any of that. Sure, it would change your life, but that doesn't mean bad, it just means different.

4. You need to forgive yourself for making the choice to hide that part of your sexuality. You did what you thought you needed to do. Many of us did just that, and we thought at the time that we were making the only choice we could make at the time.

5. It sounds like maybe the perfect scenario for you is an open marriage that allows you to stay with your wife in marriage but also meet your needs with men as well. It is possible, and some have managed to make it happen. But it often doesn't happen because it requires your wife to be extremely accepting of the idea - and I think most women would have a hard time with it. There are many people here on EC who have made it work, so I would suggest reaching out to them for their ideas. In thinking about this scenario, however, I wouldn't get your hopes up for it, but it is possible.

This is a tough road that you're traveling. Keep talking to us here.

To heythere999 - this really shouldn't "personally" offend you. You have a right to your opinions, and the right to speak (write) them here, but I don't understand your use of the word "personally," as if you actually know Keith and his situation. Why is this personal to you? I've asked you before in other threads why this is so personal to you? Is it just your uncle or is there something else going on? You have made your disgust quite clear on married gay people and how it offends you that we made the choices long ago to get married despite being gay or bi. Your lack of understanding and compassion offends me. But not personally, because I don't know you.

 

Heythere999- Keep in mind that people come to this forum for help and advice, not to be judged or condemned. Youshould remember that people come from all walks of life, and that they may not have had the option to "just be gay", especially depending on what kind of environment they grew up in. No offense intended of course, but I think that you're being unnecessarily harsh.

So to the OP, it's really up to you. You have to weigh it out- what's more important- ensuring that your wife doesn't react badly, or telling her? And I mean, you know her best. How do you think she would react?

 

I understand the appeal to be authentic. For me, coming out was primarily about refusing to hide myself any longer. However, I'm not bi, and I had to face my reality that I was a gay guy married to a straight woman, and despite the enormous challenges in coming out, I simply could not continue living this way any longer. Of course, that's not your story. You still desire your wife and want to stay married.

You say that an open marriage is "never gonna happen," and I believe you, since you obviously know you and your wife and I don't. But if you truly believe that suggesting an open marriage to her is a non-starter, why do you think coming out as bi would be any different? Is there a possibility in your mind that she would reject the idea of an open marriage but be ok with you being bi? And, of course, she's going to wonder why you are telling her this. Even if you say that it's just to be authentic, I would suggest to you that she will suspect other motives of you.

You should consider that just because you know that you will stay faithful and only came out to her as bi in order to be the "real you" and be authentic, she may not believe you and may suspect you've cheated with guys (hard to prove you didn't, she would have to trust you on that one). And trust will then be the big issue between you. She will know already that you "lied" to her by not telling her you're bi, and she will then have trust issues with you. If you're going out for a "guy's" night, she will suspect that you're actually heading out to hookup with a guy. Anytime you're late, she's going to suspect you've been with a guy. If you take any trip out of town without her, she's going to suspect that you're planning to cheat.

As good as your motives are, you need to also think about this from her perspective. Why is he telling me this? Has he been cheating? He said no, but now I don't know what to believe? Can I ever trust him again? Does he want to leave me for another man but just can't admit it yet? When's the second shoe going to drop? How long before he decides he NEEDS to be sexual with a man?

I don't even know your wife and I can imagine these and many more questions that she will ask herself.

I just don't know that authenticity is enough of a prize if your marriage suffers to get it. And that's saying something because I'm usually an advocate here on EC for people to come out and be real with those they love. In your case, I would think on this very carefully.