I posted here about a year ago about my relationship wnd how I felt and pretty much nothing has changed since then. I continue to shoulder the responsibility of maintaining the household (I pay for all the groceries, I cook and clean, I take care of the dogs and my gf's child, etc) and I'm at the point where I cannot stand to be in this situation much longer. My plan is to move in with my best friend in the summer. It's a ways off, but I can't leave my job at the moment, and I'm prepared to hunker down and wait for my opportunity to fly the coop. My problem is that, I have no intention of telling my gf until I'm leaving. I don't want to tell her now and cause months of fighting, or have her move out and leave me paying full rent and utilities on a house I don't even want to live in now. And I also feel guilty about leaving her child (who admittedly has never had the best relationship with me but has been told by my gf and her family that I'm her "mom" and I have been taking care of her for over a year) and it feels wrong to abandon a child whose previous parent abandoned her when she and my gf broke up several years ago. What is an appropriate way to bring up my unhappiness and desire to leave? How much notice should I give? I have tried discussing our issues before and my gf's usual response is that "that's just the way I am" when I try to mention things that bother or irritate me. I really feel like there is no fixing this and I am so exhausted from having two people depend on me constantly and not having anyone to depend on myself.
It's obvious you are unhappy at the moment and you're right you need to do something about that. I understand that you feel bad about leaving her child but I imagine it's not good for her either to live in a unhappy home. You care about her but she has a mom to look after her and she can depend on her as she should, it's not your responsability. Just make sure she understands that this isn't about her, that you're not abandonning her. As for the notice you should give her, do you mean summer 2017 ? Because that seems like a very long time to stay in this situation. If you think your GF is gonna make things very difficult for you, then maybe you should indeed consider waiting before telling her.
I do mean summer 2017, my job has freedom that I would leave as long as I give 30 days notice, but I enjoy the job I have now and would like to stay with it and build up a better work experience history before I decide to move several states away. I think my biggest issue is that technically I would be abandoning them. I will be moving over a thousand miles away to a new state and don't have much desire for any further contact. I would never just cut off contact with the child, especially if she still decides she wants to speak to me, but I'm 23 and I have been this child's primary caregiver for over a year (while her mother essentially did nothing, and if I am not around, her mother usually sends her to stay with relatives until I return), so my leaving would uproot this child's life to the point she has to change schools, potentially goes and lives with her grandparents or is sent to live with her father and step-mother.
That sounds like an incredibly unhealthy and dysfunctional situation you're in, and it's even more surprising to hear that you are only 23 and have been taking care of a child. I understand the guilt, but you are not responsible for this child and you should never have been. If you know that her health and well being will not be endangered, and she can go live with her other relatives, then that may not be such a bad thing. Waiting for summer 2017 seems like a very bad idea if you've already decided to leave your girlfriend. The emotional damage will only accumulate and the situation with the child will get more and more complicated. Instead of moving to another state, can't you just move elsewhere in the same city so you can continue your job?
I could move, but where I am does not have much housing, and any place I would be able to find would probably cost double what it would now. I also have no desire to live in this area any longer. My family is across the country and I don't actually have any sort of support system out here, just a job and my gf and her kid and her family. I would much rather move to where I'm closer to my family and my friends than try to find a new place.
I get that you love your job maybe you could compromise by staying in this area a while longer but definitely not in that house (that way you'd still get to keep your job). Isn't it a way for you to find a place ? Even if it's very small, it would be better than what you're going through right now, wouldn't it ?
Well of course that is your choice, but I do hope you realize just how unhealthy and traumatizing this experiencing could be. I suggest you ask for advice on hotlines and from therapists if you can in order to objectively understand your current situation. I think getting away from your girflriend and her family should be the priority, even if moving to a new place in this city is hard, or even if you have to quit your job now to go out of state. I'm worried that just the fact that you are willing to stay there until next summer and how long it's taken you to come to this decision show how much under the influence you are of this toxic environment.
