So, I met this guy on a gay dating app. We've been chatting for some time. He's been through a lot just like me, we have similar interests and opinions about life. I've been in a relationship with him for over a month now but I don't feel physically attracted toward him. I guess most of you would ask why did I even start dating him if I didn't like him in the first place. Well, he's my very first boyfriend and I've never been in a relationship before. I wanted to see what it felt like to have someone who loves you and gives you the kind of attention you want. It was very exciting at first because we have much in common and I was super happy about it but it was more like finding a FRIEND, not a boyfriend. I'd waited for some time to see if I would feel something but I didn't. I don't really know what to tell him because I don't want to hurt his feelings but the sooner I tell him the truth, the less painful it'll be for both of us. I can tell he is in love, he texts me all the time, planning our future, saying how much he loves me and how I've changed him and I'm really scared of the consequences this might bring. I don't know why but the thought of me breaking his heart makes me shake and I get an uneasy and very weird feeling. That kind of feeling you get when you lose someone you genuinely like although to me, he only feels like a friend. I do value him as a person, I like his character but it's not love. Just mutual interests and opinions. So, how can I end this and not make him feel heartbroken? How can I make him not hate me afterwards? What is the right thing to do? I don't know how to proceed. Do you think I'm jerk for playing with his feelings? Am I shallow for not liking his appearance? Do i have the right to complain about that at all? :icon_sad:
There is no way to break up with him without breaking his heart, and no matter what you do there is a chance he is going to hate you. Both of those things are just the nature of breaking up and it is important to realize that. If you are not able to reciprocate his feelings, then breaking up with him is the right thing to do and obviously the sooner the better to prevent even more attachment down the road. The best thing to do is to just be honest with him. Unfortunately, when you break up with someone they often don't believe your reasons and won't actually listen to much of what you say after you break up (though it will resonate later so be careful). Tell him that although you have a good time with him and you think the two of you get along well, that you don't love him the same way he loves you and that it wouldn't be fair to him to continue a relationship where he isn't getting the same as what he is putting in. He may not listen, but if thats the truth then that's what you need to say. I don't think you need to mention that you aren't attracted to him physically (because thats kind of a dagger), but explaining that you don't see a future should be enough reason. You need to manage your expectations as well. You can't expect him to be best friends with you after, you can't expect him to want to talk to you right away, and you need to be respectful of his reaction and what he needs once this happens. Give him space to heal and let him decide if he can handle being friends or not. I don't think you are shallow for doing this. Attraction is just like anything else. It varies person to person and as you grow and mature, it may be less important to you, but for now, if its something thats stopping you from really being all in on this relationship then thats okay. I also don't think you played with his feelings. You tried to give it time and give him a chance but it didn't work. Some/most relationships just happen like that and its okay. It is part of growing up, finding what you like, and finding what works for you. Just remember to be kind, understanding, and caring to him during this time cause it will be hard. He will be fine though.
