In love with my best friend(yeah i know what you're thinking:not this cliché again)

Hello people of this awesome community.Firstly,let me introduce myself. I'm a bisexual guy,living the college life with all its wonders.
My story began last year in october when I first started college. I was scared that i wouldn't fit in or that i wouldn't make any friends at all. One of roommates helped me with that,and I am very grateful.He also introduced me to a guy from his uni group(I'm in a different one). Well now,when I first saw that guy(let's call him Alex,which is also my second name) my heart skipped a beat. After formally introducing each other,we
started to hang out a lot and eventually became good friends(along with my roommate Cr. and a girl R ). At the beginning Alex and i discovered we have a lot in common and got along really well. Some nights we used to stay on the balcony and watch youtube videos along with Cr and R,and I noticed he was resting his head on my shoulder (he did that a lot and Cr and R looked at us amused).
After that two months passed very quickly and I noticed Alex and R start to hang out without me and Cr. on several occasions. I kinda knew what was coming...
Eventually they got into a relationship. Me and Cr. didnt hang out so much with them. I felt like i was going crazy without seeing Alex at least once a week. So i started reaching out to them and I started to hang out more. Everyone at uni though i was in love with her not him(joke's on them). A few months passed like that,me walking with them on the streets.I was looking at him daydreaming and lost in thoughts...After a while she moved from the uni dormitory so they met rarely.And thats when me and Alex started to hang out a lot without her.I have to say I was in cloud nine. That happened in february or march,if I recall correctly.
In the months that followed i have to say i was kind of drugged(not literally,dont worry guys and girls)but here are the most important memories i have with him: surprising me when i come from classes by jumping on my back(he used to do that a lot),air kisses at most random times and even in public,saying that he would love to move in with me in the future,cheering me up everytime when i didnt wanna hang out,sending cute and funny random texts almost every day(my day/night would get 100% better)...In other words we became best friends and everyone thought we were together(or just freaking weird),he didnt mind that at all btw,we make gay jokes almost everytime. Mostly thats how months passed until summer exam session,when Alex told me that he broke up with his girlfriend(R.).I began comforting him by saying that she didnt deserve him anyway,that he's too good for her.He seemed kinda upset (he left her because she wanted him to come with her to Italy and drop from college),but not sad at all.I felt kinda guilty but for the first time in those months i was happy and relieved.A stone was taken of my chest. After exams we were together non-stop,going out, laughing and having fun,drinking a bit(not too much,because i was worried i would confess to him)That was the best time of my life...During that time Cr.(roomie) said that R told him i ruined her relationship with Alex,and that she believes Alex is in love with me.I remained puzzled and i didnt say anything,Cr. believes it's true. I say she's a freakin liar and end the conversation.
The time comes and we all have to leave for summer vacation. I go to the train station with Alex to help him with the luggage and say goodbye and wish him all the best. I was very close to burst into tears as the train left..He might have noticed that and messages me a few minutes later saying :stay safe and dont do butt stuff. That kinda cheered me up a bit.
This summer was long and i felt really lonely without Alex.We texted weekly since we both had to work and stuff,so i held on to that...
At long last autumn came,and at the end of September i started the second year of college. Me and Alex were supposed to stay with two other guys in the same room but things didnt work out as we planned. We both arrived on the same day,and went to the room where he stayed last year of college. We talked a lot and when we went to sleep i said i was feeling chilly.He invited me into his bed saying that his blanket is warmer. I tought he wasn't talking seriously so i refused. We both couldnt sleep so i went to his bed to show him some memes(we're both into 9gag and that kind of stuff). I made myself comfortable and he covered me with his blanket.I didnt say anything and just went with it.We started talking about relationship and stuff and i told him no one would ever want me.he said he would totally do me,so I shouldnt worry about finding someone. He sounded dead serious...Eventually we fell asleep like that,in the same bed.In the middle of the night i woke up and his head was resting on my chest,and his body was next to mine,really close(my face must have been red af).I didnt do anything,just covered the both of us with the blanket. Obviously,i couldnt fall asleep and when morning came i turned around and so did he after a while,i noticed he was spooning me xD. the next day he told me that it was kinda weird but he didnt seem upset,he seemed kinda amused and relaxed at the same time. I told him a bout the spooning and stuff and he seemed kinda embarrassed,but we had a good laugh.We are very comfortable around each other,so i guess that didnt bothered him at all. So,this happened 3 days ago... Due do unfortunate circumstances i had to move from that room,him and his roomies being at one department and me being in a different one.
The problem is,altought if he really wanted to,he could move into my current room since there's a free spot..I messaged him that earlier today ,and he told me that his roomates and him want me to live there and they are trying to work something out..I responded very shortly saying that it's never gonna work . After that he invited me to a drink,just the two of us. Even though i was still mad at him i accepted.When we got there we started talking about college stuff. Then he finally asked me what was wrong. I told him about the room stuff(he kept saying that it's gonna be alright).But the thing is that I realised it would kill me to see him everyday knowing that i have a huge crush on him. So i told him to stop trying to move me into his room and he got angry and asked me why. NOW this is where the shit begins
On the way back to the dormitory,I told him everything,about his ex(what she tought about us) and even the fact that I am bisexual and I have a crush on him.I expected him to punch me and yell at me and stuff like that.
Instead he takes it better than i tought saying that im his bestfriend and that doesnt change anything. On the road i began saying some paranoid stuff(about him never talking to me and stuff like that)and he kept comforting me saying that it's fine and he totally understands me. We went to his floor and before leaving i hugged him and told him that i love him,he hugged me back and said, smiling :love you too *wink*.

And thats how this day went.I really have no idea what to do anymore...

 

Re: In love with my best friend(yeah i know what you're thinking:not this cliché agai

Hello Quantum

Well,before we arived at the dormitory(durings the intense discussion)he appologized to me and said he's not gay.
also,he feels kind of flattered.
Anyway,im afraid i screwed up and ruined the best friendship I've ever had with someone...

 

Re: In love with my best friend(yeah i know what you're thinking:not this cliché agai

Because I know that after I told him the truth nothing is going to be the same ever again.(why couldn't I just just up :bang: )I keep putting myself in his shoes and trying to figure out what would I do,but I have no clue.
And now I kind of doubt he might be bi or have any romantic feelings towards me.

 

Re: In love with my best friend(yeah i know what you're thinking:not this cliché agai

Yep ,I still have a crush on him .That's been going on for a year already.
And no,he hasn't given me any reason to believe that his supportive reaction wasnt real.But the thing is,people can lie/change as the time passes.

And yes,I kinda have some issues regarding the fact that I told him the truth.
It would have been better if he just punched me and never talked to me again.
The fact that he still wants to talk to me and stay best friends is NOT going to help me move on.It only makes me thinking about him and loving him more and more everyday.
I dont feel any embarrassment right now,maybe just remorse.And yes,maybe I am dissapointed that he doesnt return my feelings(same as would anyone be in my situation)...

 

Re: In love with my best friend(yeah i know what you're thinking:not this cliché agai

I agree that sooner or later the situation would have ended the same way,and it kinda helped me get a lot of my chest.
I think I'll just continue to meet with him normally if he wants to/has time( he has moved to a different study department-not in the same one as he was last year),because he's kinda busy lately. Knowing myself,it will probably take some time until my feelings towards him cool off. I dont want to avoid him completely,because I really dont know if i would be able to do that,+he specifically told me not to even try that shit,otherwise he's gonna break my door xD.

---------- Post added 4th Oct 2016 at 08:04 PM ----------

Thank you for the advice,.Keeping myself occupied is exactly what I'm trying to do when I'm not with him.I mostly hang out with ppl from my class or from my dormitory. Sometimes I kind of space out,and feel like I'm gonna burst into tears,but then I concentrate and I'm trying to be as talkative as I can with everyone.I've never been into a situation like this before.

Ranting on this thread and keeping a journal both seem like great ideas. I'll try to keep this thread updated if anything significant happens.

I am kind of concerned because i zone out even when he's talking to me,it's like we're not having the fun we used to,not much laughing either...So I think I might tell him what you suggested me to.

And you're right.I have a great friend and I'm grateful that he's a part of my life.

Once again,thank you Quantumreality and Barbatus for helping me out with this (*hug*)

 

Re: In love with my best friend(yeah i know what you're thinking:not this cliché agai

Oops,I missed this reply yesterday.
Well,there were plenty of situations that made me think he was at least bisexual or really deep in the closet. I was talking and joking with a girl about yaoi and he said he read some yaoi manga by 'mistake' and that it was an accident. We looked at him puzzled and wondered how is it possible to even read a whole manga by 'accident' . Or there were plenty of times when I mentioned to friends that I want to move from dormitory with someone,and he would immediately say: 'me right?i would love to move in with you' or ' of course he is talking about me haha '. Or sometimes we would talk about living together for hours,the whole time i was probably smiling like an idiot(oh god how I miss those days).

---------- Post added 5th Oct 2016 at 07:09 PM ----------

Yeah,I believe it's gonna take some time until I get to have that 'feelings talk' with him.He's really busy with uni lately :/ I'll try to keep you guys updated anyway.
Thanks for your advice once again,take care too

---------- Post added 5th Oct 2016 at 07:13 PM ----------

I'm sorry to hear that.I hope things are going better for you .It's not a good thing to back off,never. Communication is important in solving any problem between two human beings.

---------- Post added 5th Oct 2016 at 07:20 PM ----------

I totally get what you're saying. It's a miracle I haven't gone insane by now.

I'm gonna keep posting. And thanks a lot (*hug*)

 

Re: In love with my best friend(yeah i know what you're thinking:not this cliché agai

I'm sorry to hear that.I totally get how that feels..
The thing is,if I keep being sad I'll totally lost it. I'm gonna isolate myself from everyone and start having dark thoughts...I have to do something to distract me,altough I have to say I haven't slept very well ever since that happened and I'm tired all the time.
Thanks for your opinion though.All the best (*hug*)

 

Re: In love with my best friend(yeah i know what you're thinking:not this cliché agai

Hello again,I've been away a few days(excursion with university) so I've been keeping myself busy,but also I had plenty of time to think about myself and about what I should do next.Didn't really found a solution but I often choose to 'go with the flow' ,things always have a tendency to wrap up.
When I came back from the short trip I was kinda nervous that Alex didn't even message me...Turned out he wasn't feeling very well and I immediately started to feel like crap because I didn't even reach out to him...A few days ago he invited me out for a drink,just the two of us,how we used to do before my confession. Everything went smooth and we really had a good time. I apologised to him that I didn't even ask him how he was and that I sucked as a friend. He said: Don't worry,you wouldn't be here if you were like that. That kinda warmed my heart and I wanted to say: That's the reason I like you so much. But I didn't wanna come across as too desperate/clingy...
Today he wanted to meet up in my room but I was away all day. I really wish I wasn't :bang:
Overall I still really have no clue how to get over anything(not sure if I want to either).