So as some of you know, I'm seeing someone, now and a lot of the issues I had with my sexuality are melting away because of meeting him and he's really supportive of me and that's all well and good, but like I've said I'm out to everyone, except for my Mother. So yesterday I emailed my Dad to get the contact information of my gay uncle, who I texted as soon as I received his phone number and we chit-chatted for a bit because we haven't seen each other in years before I told him about the issue I was having. He called me up and told me he was absolutely shocked to hear that I was having this problem with my mother, with whom he was very close when my parents were together. He said he always thought if we were going to have the conversation we were having he'd need to be giving me advice about my Dad, but the fact that my Dad is okay with my sexuality really seemed to confuse him-- he said he never knew my Mom to be homophobic or anti-gay or anything like that and that it really hurt him deep down to know I was having the issues I'm having with my Mom. He suggests coming out to her as soon as possible. He said it's not just for my sake, but for the sake of my boyfriend as well, because it's not fair to him (my boyfriend) to have to pretend to be someone he's not in front of my Mom and that making someone go back in the closet for somebody else isn't fair to him and I agree with that. I'm just struggling with exactly how I'm going to go about doing this. My BF said he'd be more than willing to sit down with me and my Mom and talk it out, but my Uncle seems to think I should have the conversation with her one-on-one, which I feel is not the wisest decision with a woman of my Mom's unstable, and sometimes explosive nature. I talked it over with my BF who said he's not too worried about it because he said either way he's not going to pretend he's someone he's not, he just is who he is and that that's okay. But whether or not we're gonna sit down (the three of us, me, my BF and my Mom) and have a little pow-wow about this or if it's just going to be and my Mom is still up in the air. I'm trying desperately to put all of this information I've got in perspective. I also talked it over with my brother, who said my Mom is going to view my relationship with my BF as one of a nature of pure sodomy-- because when she was a kid being gay was considered an act of high sodomy and that's pretty much how she views the world based on what she grew up with. So I don't know exactly how to break all of this to her. My Dad grew up in the same era as my Mom but even he, a Baptist churchgoer isn't bothered by my sexuality. So now I'm mulling over what to do. Does anybody have any advice?
Hi Benway, Sorry to hear your Mum is proving to be such a problem. Just to clarify is your uncle your Dad's brother or your Mum's brother? I ask because if he is your Mum's brother then you could include him in your coming out - could you include regardless, is that an option? - and if he is her peer then he might be able to step in. Just thinking it might help. (From what you've said it sounds like your Dad is not an option to have there when you speak to you Mum?) Regarding coming out, does you boyfriend know you Mum can be a bit explosive (I assume you mean she just starts shouting at people, rather than throwing things?). If he does then he would know what he is letting himself in for. If not then he should be prepared to deal with that. More to the point, which would you feel more comfortable with - having your boyfriend there or not? He would be able to support you but you might have to hear some insults hurled at him. On the other hand, if you do it on your own then you might feel better able to control the situation by being able to make your points clearly about you (rather than if your mum starts accusing your boyfriend of anything). What are you thoughts? Are you used to or able to handle your Mother?
First of all, thanks for your reply, I appreciate all the feedback I can get! My uncle is my Dad's cousin, both my parents are only children. But like I said, he was very close to my Mom when my parents were together and on the rare occasion that I do see him (uncle) my Mom always asks how he's doing and he asks me how she's doing. He offered to call my Mom and talk to her about it, but I'm a firm believer in the philosophy that if you don't start trouble there won't be trouble. I've explained to my boyfriend my Mother's peculiar nature. While I don't think she would be explosive or even rude to his face, she would take it out on me as soon as he's out of earshot and maybe even try to convince me to break up with him because he's another man and not a woman, which is what she currently perceives me to be attracted to. My Mother is rather strange about homosexuality. As far as having my BF there while I come out, I'm torn on the issue. He's said he's willing to do it, but my Uncle, who is 48, has a lot more experience and he seems to think it should be a one-on-one thing. A friendly compromise might be to have my brother sit there with me as I come out. My brother straight, but a supporter of my situation. So, that is a possibility to engage in, just in case. Am I able to handle my mother? Most of the time, but she's unstable and unpredictable.
Hi Benway, Thanks for the clarification. I definitely think keeping your uncle and brother in the loop is a good idea. Your boyfriend sounds great for agreeing to be there with you but it sounds like you are leaning towards speaking to her alone? Or at least you would prefer to have your brother there? Is that accurate? If so then you may want to look up some of the letters people have put together here for their coming out - it might give you an idea of things to say. Like, 'This is who I am and it cannot be change so you'll just have to accept me for who I am' - something assertive but not aggressive. (This might be old hat to you but it sounds like your other coming out's were less potentially hostile.) One advantage, in my view, of speaking to her without your boyfriend is that you can say to her 'when you meet my boyfriend I expect you to be polite and civil even if you can't be happy' - something like that. You know your Mum so I don't know if this approach would work but you could set out some 'rules' for her. Might just make it easier for you and your boyfriend when you introduce him to her.
I'm leaning towards the option of having my brother be there to support me then introduce my Mom to my boyfriend, to be honest. That seems like the most sound option because my brother is straight and he can still give her the grandchildren. I'm looking into something called PFLAG, which I think PatrickUK recommended to me, but I'll be sure to look into the letters you mentioned as well. The old "this is who I am and it cannot be changed..." seems like it may have little effect on her, considering that once upon a time I did tell her I was questioning my sexuality and for some time after that she would periodically ask me in an accusing tone the words "Are you STILL gay?" My Mom, biologically is Jewish, an excommunicated lapsed Catholic and into weird gypsy magic, so guilting me is a big part of who she is. Like I said, it's a touchy situation, and the weirdest part about it is that my Dad doesn't really care about my sexual orientation; he's said to me a hundred times: "I don't care if you're gay, just as long as you don't need a lawyer and as long as you're not a communist." My Dad is a pretty cool guy. My Mom is almost the polar opposite of him.
Hiya, Sounds like you will just have to tell your Mum and roll with it. She may have felt that there was the possibility of change because you were unsure - it might worth making it as clear as possible that you are gay and that that is not going to change. Having your brother and boyfriend there seems like a good idea. I think as long as you and your boyfriend are prepared for an outburst you'll be fine. Hopefully she will just come to accept it or at least not give you much hassle. Why not sleep on it and decide in the morning? (I don't know what time zone you are in so if it is the morning maybe just take a couple of hours.) I suggest this mainly to help you be sure of how you want to play it. Of course if you are ready then go for it. Hope it all goes well (post to let us know how it goes if you want). P.S. your Dad sounds cool.
Well, when it comes to my Mom, it isn't the kind of thing you can just sleep on and then make a decision about in the morning. With her, I need to be very calculating and methodical. I'm really concerned about leaving my comfort zone with her because we've got a good thing going on where she doesn't mess with me so long as I don't do anything that she perceives as messing with her. To be honest, I'm feeling kind of strange about the whole thing, I got in touch with my gay uncle who I haven't spoken with in years and now I feel like I'm sort of free-falling and winging it blindly whereas before I felt very comfortable in the closet. I don't know what I'm going to do. I finally come to grips with being a homosexual but now the hardest part it seems is to tell my mother what's really going on in my life.
Hi Benway, Hmm, this is harder for you than I thought - sorry for misinterpreting your posts. In that case, are you happy to hold for a bit? Do you have a time scale on coming out to her? If can you might want to wait until your emotions settle down. Have you spoken your uncle again - he seems the best person to speak to right now about how you are feeling. Is the sense of free-wheeling because you are about to step out of your comfort zone or because you've got a lot on your plate right now with deciding how to speak to you mum? What about taking a bit of time out from contemplating this, maybe speak to your boyfriend about how your are feeling? While I think that you are doing the right thing in coming out to your mum - you don't need to do any time soon. It might be an idea to take a breath before coming back to this. Let me know what you think and we can talk it over more.
Yeah, I'm very happy to hold for a bit...more than a bit, more like a whole lot of time. My Mom has an unpredictable nature and on top of that she's going through menopause so she doesn't need any more stress than she's already got in her life. I haven't spoken to my Uncle since Monday (Eastern US time) and am a little nervous because of his eagerness to call my Mom for me and have a conversation with her about this whole thing, which might be a good thing, but it could also be a very, very bad thing. I'll talk to my BF about all this when we go out to eat, today. I don't know what to do, exactly, but my Uncle seems to think that a one-on-one sit down with my Mom is the way to go-- but he hasn't seen or talked with her in a very, very long time and he doesn't know how much she's changed over the years; the insanity she's developed (or rather, that has grown in intensity since her splitting from my father), the sense of loss she has over her own late mother. There are huge gaps here. I'll have to wait on it, awhile.
Hi Benway, This isn't to put any pressure on you, but I wanted to give you a couple of things to think about. First, you are not responsible for your mother's reaction, or anyone's really. You have the right to live your life for you, even if it's difficult for others to accept you. Finally, your mother's reaction will be what it is whether you tell her today or wait until next week, next month or next year. The only difference will be how waiting for longer affects you. You sound like you are ready to tell her but are most concerned about her feelings. It's ok for you to focus on your feelings and let her deal with hers. Good luck!
I think Imgay47 makes some good points. This not to contradict my previous comments but you need to think about living your life as your life. So I suggested waiting for your sake because you sounded like you were a bit unsettled by everything that's happened since you spoke to your uncle - so the time was for to regroup and gain some confidence about telling your mum. I was absolutely not suggesting that you avoid telling her. Just to be clear. Talk it over with your boyfriend and maybe decide how you want to approach your mum, even if you don't decide when. I think that might give you a bit more confidence in dealing with her. On a side note, you might want to speak to you uncle and thank him for his offer and his support but explain why you don't think him speaking to her on your behalf is a good idea. That way he will be able to provide you with support in the future without you worrying that he may get involved himself. I would also reiterate Imgay47's point about you not being able to control her response. I think the amount of understanding and consideration your are showing her is commendable but don't let it stop you from being honest with her.
It's funny, what Imgay47 said is exactly what my therapist said: My mother's reaction is going to be the same no matter how long I wait to tell her. I haven't heard from my boyfriend in about 24 hours so I'm a little worried-- he's busy with work and stuff, so I know that's a big part of his life but I'm worried nonetheless. So I'm just sitting here, contemplating how to tell my mother. But both of you are ultimately right, no matter how long I wait to tell her, her reaction is going to be the same. She's crazy, though, that's the problem, and I live with her. I don't need her asking questions about my sex life, or worse yet, I believe she might try to make me have sex with her to 'make' me straight if I tell her that I'm gay. Of course that's something I'd never do, so I'm just a little perplexed.
Hi Benway, Is she really that bad that she would have such an extreme reaction? That makes the case for having your brother and boyfriend there much stronger. Can you maybe keep yourself busy this evening? It sounds like you might be brooding on coming out to your mum - while it is obviously something you need to think about maybe try and focus on something else today? In the following I'm just going to give you a summary of where I think you are (please bear in mind that this is just my opinion). You seem to have got a good idea of how you are going to do it, with your brother and boyfriend there. You also seem to have a good idea that her reaction is going to be quite extreme. You also seem to be prepared for it but just seem to lack the final bit of confidence to come out to her (hope that doesn't sound harsh). So it seems like the last question is confidence and timing? Do you think taking time will increase your confidence or do you think you might be better off doing it once you, your brother and your boyfriend are available? Does that gel with your thinking and expectations? Please by no means am I suggesting you come out quickly, I'm just wondering whether taking your time will undermine or strengthen your confidence.
Barbatus, I think my mother might have that reaction, yes. I'm going to come clean with her sooner than later, though, I think, considering I just heard from the BF for the first time in 24 hours (he was busy with work and then cleaning his place, so he's okay, my worry was unfounded), so I'm happy about that. But as for my Mom, the wheels are already turning. The call to my uncle has set things in motion. I'm going to be keeping busy this evening, Thursday evenings are a night where I enjoy a small bottle of wine and read quietly. Currently I'm about a third of the way through a pulpy Stephen King novel titled The Tommyknockers, which I'm enjoying very much as I haven't read a book in quite some time and I'm just happy to be able to have something to take my mind off of the world for a little while. Confidence isn't quite the problem, I have plenty of confidence, I just lack the nerve to sit down and talk to her. Maybe a little bit of wine will help me build up that nerve. I'm in a bind with myself, though, and right now my Mother is out shopping (without me, I'm jealous, I love going shopping with her, which should be a clear sign) and she's going to be tired and not want to talk when she does get home.
Hi Benway, Sorry, I wasn't specific enough - I meant confidence in coming out to your mum. You clearly are confident but confidence isn't an all or nothing thing - we can be confident in some situations but not others. I'm glad you heard from your boyfriend (I hate it when people don't text back but I've learnt a lot of people are like that). When you say sooner, do you mean you might do it tonight or in the next few days? Whatever you decide I hope it goes well (let me know if you are happy too). If you are thinking of tonight, see how you feel when she comes back but don't feel like you have to do it now. I probably seem contradictory but I'm really not - just trying to be clear that you should do it when you are ready without putting it off too long. You know what I mean? Sounds like a wonderful evening. I'm enjoying a beer myself. The Tommyknockers is a great book. I love Stephen King's books - mainly because his characters, they always seem so solid and deep. Don't worry about your mum too much. You've got a great boyfriend and everyone else knows who you are and are accepting about it. Enjoy the book! P.S. I'm going to send you a friend request, mainly because of the Tommyknockers, but feel free to ignore it. You are also free to post on my wall if you like as well and want to discuss anything.
Well, I do have the confidence to come out to my Mom, just not the nerve. As for when I say 'sooner,' I think I mean within a couple weeks, hopefully no more than three. I'm going to want to discuss it with my therapist, first, tell her that I got in contact with my Uncle and see how she advises me to go from there. But it could be any time really, I don't know. Like I said, I've put myself into something of a bind because of it. As for The Tommyknockers, not to get off topic, but I like it a lot, so far. I have to say, I'm only a third of the way through it and it's already my second-favorite Stephen King novel next to Pet Sematary, the guy, as pulpy as he is in his writing has a way with words and it's neat to read his take on science fiction, with the flying saucer and the alien radiation, it's pure pulp and I'm loving it.
I'm with you. And I'm glad you are thinking in terms of weeks rather than longer. Try not to think it of it a bind - you've decided to speak to her so the rest if kinda about the details. But you can decide when and how. so even if you feel emotionally that your are stuck you are in the driving seat of this process. When you say that speaking to you uncle has put things in motion do you mean in terms of your thinking? No one's said anything to your mother or anything like that? Hope you've had a bit of a relax this evening. Lol. I'm not sure I would called Stephen King's books 'pulp' but I can see where you're coming from. The Tommyknockers is very B-movie but it is a great story. The alien radiation is a novel approach (haha) and its a good story. My favourite, hmmm, I'd have to say The Stand. Although I love the opening line of The Gunslinger - 'The man in black fled across the desert, and the gunslinger followed'. I also like Misery because it is not at all supernatural. Sorry, I'll stop now before I least every book of his I've read. One more, I also like Needful Things. Seriously, that's it.
Hi Benway, That was unexpected. I will keep an eye out for your new thread. I hope you are ok. Wishing you all the best and I'll pop up on your new thread. Hope you are alright mate.
