Experimented with my Bestfriend both Male

Hey Joeysfriend15,

I'm probably not the best one to ask for advice, but I thought I might as well offer some support. Firstly, I'm sorry you're in such a stressful situation. I hope everything works out. I just wanted to say....look, I'm just a random person and can't know everything that's going on, but it just makes me wonder why you conversation with him immediately fell into you apologizing and him being accusing/acting like he wasn't participating. Because from what you're describing...HE was actually the initiator. Just my thoughts. I also wanted to say that I understand this person is your best friend, and that is a special bond, but a couple of his words are worrisome (he doesn't think he can handle having a gay best friend, calling straight people 'normal'). I would just like to suggest that you protect your heart and make sure you're not going to get emotionally hurt.

I wish I could give some advice on how to proceed, but I really don't know what to say. I just wish you the best of luck!

 

Hey Joeysfriend15,

That’s a really tough situation. Ultimately, your friend will have to come to terms with what happened. He has to do this on his own. You should be prepared to give him all the time and space he needs to do that.

The way you described how things went down, he both initiated the sexual contact and completely participated. You absolutely have nothing to be sorry about. And your friend seems to know that because he told you to stop saying you’re sorry.

I know this situation is worse for you because he is your best (and, as you said, only real friend). I have a lot of close friends, but when I came out to my best friend, I don’t know if I could have handled it if he had not accepted me. I would have been traumatized, at the least.

Since you indicated that your friend and his family are very religious, it sounds like he is in deep denial about whatever made him participate in that sexual activity with you. He may be gay, he may be bi, he may be straight (and was just experimenting, like many people do). But this is something that only he can come to terms with. You can only be there to support him. You almost certainly shouldn’t try to force him to talk about what happened – that might make him resentful of you; like you were trying to force him to admit that he has ‘unnatural’ sexual feelings for boys – or at least one boy: you.

If your friendship is over, it will be by his choice, but right now he’s left the door open. Just give him the space and time he needs. He may very well try to shut this incident out of his mind and pretend that everything is back to normal. If he does, you should just play along for now. In the longrun, he is going to have to deal with this aspect of his sexuality, but again, only he can do that.

I don’t know if any of this helps…

 

Well why the heck would he be reciprocating the touching is my question. I think he's dealing with some personal issues due to religion. You are not at fault here, rather, no one is. Don't apologize.

Let him know that you're here for him as a friend. If he cannot accept you as gay after what you guys did, then at that point he is dealing with his own issues of not being entirely straight. As you know, there is nothing wrong with being gay, or LGBT for that matter. Reiterate that to him, because all he needs right now is comfort about what happened between the both of you, and that's OK.

 

I agree with the others, it sounds like he was into it, and may be confused about his own sexuality, and is not open to exploring the possibility. Hopefully I can follow that with a YET. But unfortunately so many young men never do open up and accept that they have these feelings.

I would say continue to be his 'normal' friend as he wishes. I wouldnt push him, or have any more sleepovers, no matter how innocent. just take it one day at a time, and give him time to process.

and of course if he comes to you, be there for him!

 

I hear you, Joeysfriend15. But just be there for him. Give him time to figure out how HE wants to deal with this, then respect that. In other words, just try to keep things on the same 'normal' level that they were before until or unless he decides to open up to you. If you do otherwise, you will be at higher risk for causing him to push you away.

 

I agree with the advice above, I know you're anxious about this and you want everything to be back to normal, but trying hard to make it normal can sometimes be counter productive. He obviously enjoyed it but is in denial about it, which means it is going to take a lot of time for him to process this. If he comes to you for help, you can be there for him, but sometimes people have to go through this on their own until they feel like they can reach out. Give him some space if he seems like he wants it, but otherwise talk to him normally. Don't bring this up again, as you've already told him clearly that you'd be there for him if he wants to talk. Expect him to be fine one moment and then cold the other, but hopefully he will come around soon. I'm sorry things had to change, but I think if you two were to be best friends, this had to come out sometime. If he really is your close friend, he will accept you for who you are as well, so don't regret what happened!

 

Hey, I struggled with the word "NORMAL" for a long time. What is normal? Normal can mean many different things for different people. Being an older person, I have made many mistakes, and have regrets, but if he started it don't take the blame. Its not fair to you. It sounds like he is not comfortable with with himself. It can be a long journey to come to terms with being gay. I just admitted it to myself a couple of weeks ago, then I broke down because dealing with it seemed overwhelming. I would take things slow, but don't take the blame. GOOD LUCK BE STRONG!

 

Just because he can talk to you about anything, and knows that, doesn't necessarily mean that he will or has to. It can be really tough for people to talk about it, especially when they aren't willing to accept it themselves.

Part of saying you are there for him is knowing when to back off and not force him to talk about things. That's a surefire way to get him to distance himself, ruin your friendship, and potentially scare him from ever talking to you about it.

You offered your help, he knows that. Now you just need to be patient and let him come to you when he is ready.

 

You're right, Joeysfriend15. That does complicate things. If he really is gay or bi, he's in deep denial. We both know that there is no 'fixing' his sexuality whether by God or anyone else.

On the plus, side, even though he showed non-heterosexual feelings towards you, he isn't pushing you away - just the opposite, in fact. So maybe he will open up to you in the longrun. But, as you said, you will just have to make it clear he can talk to you and be there for him. He is the only one who can decide how he wants to deal with his sexuality.

On the negative side, it is possible that he even will allow you to get romantically close to him again. The risk in this case is totally on you, since if you allow your feelings for him to continue to develop and he decides not to allow his to develop for you, you are potentially going to be hurt emotionally even worse than you already are.:icon_sad:

 

If you ever get a chance, talk to him about being gay and Christian, it's completely okay!!!! If he needs someone to talk to about it I am Christian and recentlyy accepted myself and i'd be happy to help!

 

Joeysfriend15,

First, way to go! You may be feeling pressure because of the risk to your friendship, but you seem to be handling it really well. Please remember that you are awesome and you're doing just fine being who you are. You sound like a loyal and compassionate friend too.

To reiterate the previous excellent guidance, let this play out without trying to have him identify what happened or openly claim responsibility for his part. I also agree with the previous comments that he was at least willing and probably initiated it. From what your mutual friend indicated about his faith and struggle with gay feelings, it seems to clarify some fairly confusing signs he was giving you, and seems to indicate that he is struggling to accept himself within the context of his religious beliefs.

He is likely questioning both his faith and his sexuality, and neither of these are easy topics with black and white answers. We are so comfortable with labels and absolutes, but the reality is that many issues in life are shades of gray rather than black and white. I believe sexuality is one of these areas - a great number of guys are kind of bi, rather than totally straight or even totally gay! Figuring out your sexual identity within this spectrum can be a challenge.

In contrast, fundamentalist religions often teach a black and white world view. If your friend is in a more conservative, evangelical, or fundamentalist faith, he has likely been taught that absolute heterosexuality, absolute abstinence before marriage, and absolute monogamy after marriage are the only standard to aspire to. I'm not saying this is right or wrong, but it's likely the perspective that he has. Can you imagine how hard it would be to reconcile his emerging gay feelings with his religious beliefs?

Reparative therapy to "make gays straight" has long been discredited by mainstream psychology, so his claim that he was "made straight" would purely be a statement of his belief and not supported by professional psychology or current science. That being said, he is the only person with the right to say what is going on with his body. He might label himself as straight despite an enormous amount of evidence otherwise. Still, he has the right to do so.

I am a believer, and I have gone through my own struggle to reconcile my faith with my sexuality. For me it meant becoming familiar with what my heart, mind, and body are telling me about God and how God created me as a beautiful, sexual being. I don't believe that God makes junk, and not a single person on this planet is junk. Your friend might be going through a similar process of introspection and self-acceptance, and it could take years to figure out.

You may want to think about what kind of relationship you want with him or would be satisfied with. Do you want a friendship? Are you hoping for a dating relationship? Do you like just experimenting sexually with him? As you think about what kind of relationship you want, consider whether he can give that to you. If he can't, then you may need to pull back some of your feelings to match his needs. I think you're already being really compassionate, so great job already.

It also occurs to me that he may not have come out to you because he is attracted to you. Sometimes we "protect" relationships we value by withholding information, or not allowing all of ourselves to be in that relationship. He may have withheld his feelings from you because he fears damaging the friendship, or hopeful relationship. You may not have a complete picture right now so wait for more information before forming expectations or making conclusions.

If the topic comes up naturally and he seems receptive, you might consider mentioning this site to him. We do discuss issues of sexuality and faith, and it is completely anonymous. All viewpoints are respected and welcome.

In closing, my advice boils down to:

- Continue to be a friend. Keep the friendship balanced so that you're each giving and taking equally.
- Understand how his faith may influence him and try to see from his perspective.
- Give him enough space to figure out who he is in the context of his faith. Don't try to persuade him or ask him to identify his orientation.
- Determine what you want to get from the friendship (or dating relationship if you want one) and be honest whether he can give you want you want.
- If he might benefit from joining this site, by all means please invite him!

You're already handling this so well - great job! You're responding with sensitivity and compassion, the only appropriate thing to do.

Patrick
Seattle, WA

 

I don't want to be unhelpfull but to me it seems like he is the really gay one and he has struggles with his religion, beliefs of what's right and wrong and how he really feels and what happens.

The advice from the person above you said is accurate.

Though one advice I am going to give you. What happened doesn't seem like a coincidence. There is a reason this happened even if he doesn't want to admit to you or himself. Don't go poke around in that but think for yourself, this isn't something anyone can give you as advice, you really have to think for yourself, You are what you are and a friendship won't last if you can't be who you are. This subject will at some point return as due to whatever the reason may be this happened he will come back on it due to his own feelings about it. (Woah, that's how most conversations are born).

Be prepared for what you want to say at that moment and if this friendship will head somewhere. I lived without friends for 10 years, it aint fun but it's better then having "friends" that don't trust or accept you for who and what you are from my own experience.

'Hope this helped, I am not the best one for advice but still.

</insert brohug>

 

I know it's hard now, but you got to let this guy go. He can't handle you as you are and, trust me, you need to be yourself in this world. It's really tough when you're younger and you feel like losing a best friend is like losing everything, but the wounds heal up and you do amazing things in life and better friends and people who really love you regardless of what you are.

You have my lesbian blessings, sweetheart. I hope you'll find true friends.

 

You shouldn't feel bad about this. He led you on; it's his own fault if he can't deal with it.

Honestly, you can stay friends with him but he really isn't worth your time if that is his attitude.

 

You did nothing wrong, stop apologising to him. You seem to be handling this in a very mature way, I'm impressed.

It's always awkward (in m/f friendships too) when something sexual happens between friends.

Sounds to me like the poor guy is dealing with a lot of internal stuff. That phrase " I just want to be normal with normal friends" nearly made me cry. My guess is he was either already struggling with his orientation, or he is now. The fact that he's being (also incredibly, given age) mature about it and isn't pushing you away is a really good sign. But I'm afraid that your feelings for him might have to take a bit of a back seat. The guy just needs time and support now, to discover what he wants.

And for what it's worth, I don't think " I just want to be normal with normal friends" was necessarily a rejection of you/gay people, it's more about internalised homophobia. He sounds like he might accept all this in time, given how he's dealing with it.

 

Like all of us here, I do think that he's supressing his feelings, his orientation because of religion and family. Respect that. Do not initiate to let him come out. Let him do that on his own.

Stop apologizing. I don't think that HE LED you to do things. In the middle of the night, something was on his crotch and he felt that he's getting hard. Both of you are teenagers with soaring hormones so what do I expect in this situation? Both of you allowed it to happen because if felt GOOD. Period. Nobody's to blame.

As for your friendship, make sure you do keep things in balanced. At least, he knows that you're questioning your orientation and you're not in denial. One thing to remind you: the sexual contact might happen again if you two have an opportunity to explore again. Like when you do sleepovers. Make sure that you two are aware and agree that nothing will happen if one of you are not happy about it. Do not do anything sexual with him if he behaves like douchebag.