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when you thought your family was cool with it

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by yuanzi, Oct 6, 2016.

  1. yuanzi

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    I feel like a whining toddler just typing this but I am also feeling crappy so I will try to write it down to give myself some clarity. I came out to my family a few months ago and I thought they were becoming more and more comfortable with the idea. Well just know I was talking to my grandma (she is like a mum to me) about random stuff and all out of a sudden she said something along the lines of 'it is not like you are homosexual'.

    I was stunned (I came out as gay to her because she didn't even know the word bisexual plus I feel very gay most of the days) and a little hurt. I said very calmly to her 'but I am gay and I like girls. I thought you knew already'. Then she made a face and said 'it is not like any of those girls you have liked will ever like you back'. I was pretty much crying inside at this point. I did not show it though. Again I calmly told her that it was true that none of them liked me back but I did not keep pursuing anyone if they said no the first time so I did nothing wrong. My grandma became a little uncomfortable at this point and we changed the topic.

    I feel hurt right now. Well actually I already feel better after typing it out. I guess I just have to remind myself that my grandma loves me very much (she does) and given the environment she grew up in, it will be very hard for her to fully accept me and I will have to be okay with that.

    Thanks for reading :slight_smile:
     
  2. HappyGirlLucky

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    Oh, yuanzi! I'm sorry she said all those things, it hurts so much more when it's family you really care about saying such things. (*hug*) Maybe it will help her when you have a girlfriend in the future and can bring her around, so she can see that you are just like any other couple?
     
  3. Lin1

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    Ah I can definitely understand why this may have hurt your feelings Yuanzi, definitely would have hurt mine if my grandma told me something along those lines.

    Like you said, your grandma loves you very much and I think she is just wanting the best for you (which in her mind probably translate into being with a man). I would give her some time and not take what she says at heart (though obviously it's hard!) like you said yourself, she is born in a time where homosexuality was considered something bad. Once she'll see you happy with a woman, I'm sure she'll relax.

    Hugs for you though Yuanzi ! x (*hug*)
     
  4. yuanzi

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    HappyGirlLucky and Linning, thanks a lot for replying. I don't know whether she will feel better or even worse if I actually had a girlfriend. My hometown is very much unlike the western societies and I have heard women being shunned for much less controversial reasons (for example getting a divorce or having sex before marriage), so I really can't imagine bringing a girlfriend home. I remember a long time ago my family said to me if I came home with a non-Asian boyfriend, he would have to stay at a hotel so that people would not gossip. Now if I bring a girl home.......

    Anyway all this is very depressing to talk about and honestly there is not much I can do. I don't regret coming out to my family though. I was in much worse shape mentally when I was in the closet. A small part of me wishes my family knew how much I suffered emotionally when I was lying to them and pretending to be someone I am not. But I don't think I will ever tell them b/c like many conservative people my family do not believe in mental distress (you have good health and a good education, so what are you whining about).

    I really want to end this on a happy note but I still feel sad. I will probably just do some more work to distract myself. HappyGirlLucky and Linning, if I remember correctly, you both had/will move(d) to new places, right? You guys should tell me everything about it so that I can forget my own problems :slight_smile:
     
  5. Lin1

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    Ah, another hug for you then Yuanzi ! (*hug*)

    You've done the hardest and bravest part by coming out to your family. It's a shame they don't fully accept you and we can only hope they'll change with time, but in the meantime try not let it affect you too much and remain proud of who you are. :slight_smile:

    I you moved to another city/country yes. If hearing about some of my (unfortunate) adventures help you, then definitely message me whenever you feel low or feel like it and I'll give you plenty of stories that will cheer you up and will make you feel a tad less alone in the "dating disaster train" :wink: lol
     
  6. Jax12

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    One time my boyfriend and I were waiting for a ride from my parents, and so we sat on a bench outside of a restaurant. I had my head facing up and lying on his lap and had out hands to ourselves.

    Two days later my parents tell me that they thought I was showing too much affection and my parents didn't like it, and also said it was disrespectful. How much less affectionate can that be? Honestly...

    I've also come to accept that my parents may not fully accept me for who I am. But that's there loss, not mine. If they don't want to be part of my happiness then that's their problem.
     
  7. yuanzi

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    -Linning. Thanks I will definitely message you soon! I love stories!

    -Jax12. If this makes you feel better, my family would have said the same thing to a straight couple... Public display of affection is a big no no to them. When I was your age my family told me I could not start dating until 21 b/c otherwise I would get pregnant and drop out of college. Lol how ironic!
     
  8. HappyGirlLucky

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    More hugs from me too! (*hug*)

    I have not yet moved, but I was away in the new city these past two days which is why I didn't respond sooner. My bestie and I went to this arcade/board game bar on Friday and I actually saw a lesbian couple and several other LGBT people there even though the place was tiny (about 30 people total). In fact, I am pretty sure my favorite bartender was a gay guy or possibly trans. No one tried to hit on me or my friend which was great, people were laid back and having fun, the music was great and I learned that I am terrible at Pac-Man while the whole room was watching me play. I did not even make it past the first level. :redface:

    I did not actually talk to the lesbian couple because they looked like they wanted to be left alone, but it was still nice to see that there were others. I am really excited about having found that place because gay bars don't sound like my thing (bars in general actually), but that place felt more like a huge flat party with chill people than a bar. Chances that a girl I meet there will be my type are much higher than in a regular bar setting. :slight_smile: My bestie loved it too (we are both somewhat undercover nerds :lol:slight_smile: and we both decided right away that this was going to be our go-to place from now on.
     
    #8 HappyGirlLucky, Oct 9, 2016
    Last edited: Oct 9, 2016
  9. yuanzi

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    Thanks HappyGirlLucky! The only arcade/board game bar I had been to was located in a casino and I remember seeing lots of scary-looking dudes there :slight_smile: I am glad yours was so much better/cooler! Good luck with the moving.