Scared

So there's this guy friend of mine who has feelings for me. We've been close friends for maybe three or four months (though we've known each other for years) and I came out to him pretty much at the beginning of that, and since then I've spilled to him basically my entire coming-out process and all the twists and turns with the girl I've been in love with since last summer, so there's no way he isn't keenly aware of my sexuality by now. Despite this, and despite my telling him this repeatedly, and apologizing a lot for the fact that I can't return his feelings, he keeps telling me he's in love with me, trying to be affectionate with me, and getting physical with me a lot. Tonight he reiterated to me that he was in love with me, very much, and that he regretted that I wouldn't be the one he married. (Keep in mind we're both definitively minors - I'm a senior in high school, he's a grade below me.)

I don't know what to do because he's a great guy, I love him as a friend, and I can't bear to let him down and tell him harshly to piss off with this nonsense or to cut him off entirely, especially since we both know it would be easier on both of us if I just gave in and dated him anyway, or if I could have feelings for him like he wants me to. More importantly, he's important to me as a friend - God knows I'm important to him - and he's been instrumental in helping me get through the really hard time I've been having trying to deal with the sudden, unexplained absence of my erstwhile best friend, who might not be coming back. Cutting him off now would hurt both of us, but I'm afraid that remaining his friend will hurt us too, as it causes me to be ashamed of my sexuality and to keep trying to rethink it in some way that makes him theoretically happy, while it's undoubtedly painful for him to be unrequitedly in love with someone who's also his best friend, the exact same way that I have been.

I know I've posted here before with this problem but his continuing behavior worries me as much for his sake as for mine. My parents already think he's weird and his parents already disapprove of his feelings for me (knowing and accepting the fact that I'm a lesbian), and I don't want to further add to all the negative feelings he's experiencing - especially since he's inherently a very sensitive and self-critical person - but I'm really worried that this whole thing is headed for disaster. He's told me he's inviting me to prom this fall, and, mind you, that's very unusual for him, since he's essentially a social hermit who's never gone to a dance in his life. He's also never had a girlfriend before, but ever since suggesting that we let my homophobic father believe we're a couple, he's gone to at least one of his friends and gushed to her about how I'm his girlfriend, even though we discussed beforehand that we'd only keep this illusion up for my parents. He keeps doing stuff to my hair, and although I like people touching my hair - it has a soothing effect - and braiding it, as he can, I'm getting a little sick of how much he obsesses over it and its feel and smell. I'm afraid he's constructing a happy, wishful fantasy that's going to come crashing down on him one day, and I don't know what to do. Even though he's been faithfully supporting me through my feelings for this girl, who's incredibly important, and apologizes every time he goes over the top, I can't help but feel like it isn't enough. And, yes, it does make me question my sexuality, even if it's mainly only out of guilt. Help?

 

Oops! Must not have made that clear enough, sorry. ^^;; To clarify, it's his parents who know and accept that I'm gay (this despite that they're immigrants from China - who would've expected the tradition-ridden Asian family to be more accepting than my white, American dad, right?). My parents technically know, since I told them both I was bi a while back and came out to my mom (the more tolerant of my two parents, and the daughter of Chinese immigrants - my ancestors' culture never fails to surprise me) more recently as gay. My dad, however, told me he'd disown me if I were a lesbian, and told me the girl I loved was a 'bitch' who was 'psychologically disturbed' for her orientation, and though my mom only spoke to me very briefly on my sexuality, it was definitely a lukewarm response at best, so I'm not about to push my luck.

I know he shouldn't be doing this, but it's difficult for me to think of him as bad, because I know he's always worrying about it anyway, he always comes to me apologizing for how bad he's been and it makes me feel guilty to agree with that even internally, since I know he wants me to think well of him ú.ù Even though I know I don't have the same feelings for him that I had for this girl (can I rip your clothes off and also make you tea and feed you chocolate and sit with you and count the stars with kisses?) it's just, well... Being my age, I guess I can't help but wonder if I've really got it all figured out, in regards to my sexuality at least... I know it could change in the future, but it's more than that. People like my dad tell me it's a psychological disease, a perversion, and while on a conscious level I can tell myself this isn't true, on a deeper level I can't help but wonder if I really am somehow in denial of my 'natural' orientation, that I'm secretly attracted to boys and for whatever reason, because I like the feeling of power it gives me to turn down boys or because I didn't get enough love from my mother or because I'm scared of boys due to having seen my father's behavior, I just tell myself I'm a lesbian. I know, this sounds silly...but every time he confesses his love for me I tell myself 'it would be easier if you were straight you know,' 'why are you wasting someone with such strong feelings for you when you do after all like him well enough?' 'why make this harder on both of you if you could maybe tolerate dating him?' 'you know you're a hypocrite moaning over your heartbreak for this girl when he's right there going through the same thing and it's your fault, right?' and so on. So...I just feel guilty over the whole thing. Being a lesbian, not being a normal girl, making him feel bad because I'm a lesbian, constantly talking about this girl I love to him because I have no one else to go to. :bang::bang:

But, well, thank you for the advice! I too think it is a wonderful word. nun