Hey all! So I recently started working at a new part-time job and quickly developed feelings for one of my coworkers. His name is William. We met on my second day of work. I'll skip over all the lovey-dovey stuff because I'm sure we've all heard it a million times. Suffice to say, I fell for him as soon as he smiled at me, things seemed to be going really well, and it seemed like he showed some interest in me. Fast forward to tonight: during our closing shift together he mentions "his ex girlfriend" in one of our conversations and my heart sinks. I immediately start to distance myself for the rest of our shift and try to get over him. And it got me thinking: Do you guys ever feel like being gay is just such a hurdle? Like you've been dealt a bad hand and are forced to play it? Sometimes I find it hard to accept that 95% of are straight and there's nothing we can do to change that reality. I hate to say it but sometimes I'm envious of straight people. Being able to talk openly about your sexuality and be assured that the person you are interested in will almost certainly be sexually compatible with you--what a privilege. It seems like I always get too optimistic and naive and forget that I cannot just expect most guys to be sexually compatible with me. Because the reality is: the odds are strongly against us. We are in a very small minority (we tend to forget this when we leave our safe spaces and go out into the real world). And when it comes to finding love, it's already tough, but we have also been dealt a very unfair hand that we must play whether we like it or not. All of this has got me feeling kinda down. Anyone have any thoughts?
Yep it really frustrated me that I just can't charm a girl into wanting me cooos, shes probably just straight, you know? And I can go out and all these guys want me and I don't want them but not one girl is looking at me except maybe cos they want the guy who's after me haha. Like how do I just find a girlfriend? Where do they come from? Also, what if I just never get on with any of this miniscule sample of queer girls I can scout out? Difficult.
Regarding your own personal story, I think you may have forgotten that bisexuality is a thing. If you think he may have a thing for you then the fact that he dated a girl doesn't immediately make him straight (even though obviously it's likely). I am bisexual so I have been with guys in the past, it has happened that I mention them or comment about a guy being "cute" or whatever, I still like women though, actually I prefer women. I understand that someone hearing a story about me and a guy will make him assume I am straight, but that person would be making assumption over one story I have told that involved guys, not knowing that I may have half a billion more including women. I fully agree though that it's a shame there is not more LGBT people as falling for a straight person wouldn't be so "inevitable" and our dating lives would most likely get easier.
I suppose there are fewer of us but just ask any straight girl in a major city--we get all the good ones.:lol: Seriously I feel sort of bad for straight girls--the pool they have to draw on, seriously limited. OK, really seriously. Being gay is no more limiting than wanting to date other Jews or other scifi fans or whatever. Not everyone is an option but I think we have a tendency to overestimate how much better straight people have it on this front. Oftentimes people on this board act like gay people have some sort of weird corner on unrequited love. Unrequited love is one of the most common themes of books, films all of it--in just about every culture. And you know what? Hardly any of those stories are about gay people. It's a human problem not a gay problem and being straight wouldn't fix it. In my life I've known thousands of gay people. Hundreds of them were really amazing people. How many people do you really want to date? And I can go to just about any city out there and find my people, my tribe--if anything I think gay dating is easier tbh. But then again that might just be because I'm gay...
Hey Linning, Thanks for the response! I was expecting there to be someone who would point out the potential that the guy I like could be bisexual. However, I would pose this question to you: if you had a crush on someone of the same sex, would you mention that you dated a guy in the past? Or would you just say "an ex"? Knowing that your crush would assume you are straight, it doesn't make sense to me why a bisexual would mention dating the opposite sex when interested in someone of the same sex. Would that not make it harder for each of you to identify if you are romantically/sexually compatible? Is it a matter of keeping your integrity and being true to yourself? Perhaps you could enlighten me on your experience? I find that gay or bisexual people will tend to not talk specifically about gender and use gender neutral words when talking about romantic or sexual interests. It's sort of a way to get out of being forced to hide our sexuality by being vague about the gender we are attracted to.
I'm a woman, but I've found that finding other women who are interested is just as hard. The only difference is that women are more encouraged to experiment with same-sex sex than men are. This might be easier for a lesbian who runs around looking for casual sex, but It's just as big of a nightmare to be a lesbian who wants a committed girlfriend. I not only have to worry about offending straight women, but I also have to worry about being used as an experiment or being treated as a sexual object. It makes me afraid to even try. Not to mention, even if you do find a legitimate gay or bi person, there's also the issue with compatibility. Does she share my interests? My values? Does she want to engage in sexual acts I would never do or vice versa? This narrows down the dating pool by a lot. All in all...I understand where you're coming from.
Hey OGS, Thanks for your response! It's great to hear the thoughts of someone with more life experience. Being in a major city too, I definitely agree with you and the straight girls--we've got a lot of good ones considering how small of a population we are! That being said, I think there are still more good looking straight guys (just look on these forums and ask all the "straight crush" people). It's just that since their population is so large, you end up seeing the more "undesirable" ones more often. I have to disagree with you when you say that being gay is no more limiting when dating than being straight. Not only do we have to worry about finding someone with the right personality, interests, etc, we ALSO need to deal with the fact that most guys we encounter WILL be straight. This is simply a statistical fact of life: more than 95% of the population is straight. That limits our dating pool hundreds of times over than our straight counterparts. Yes, unrequited love is a human problem, I agree. However, we need to experience this ON TOP the struggle of finding a mate in the first place. You mentioned films and books: I'm sure you have realized by now that the majority of mainstream media caters towards heterosexuals and their relationships. Only in recent years have we really started to make progress towards remedying that. And this is a HUGE THING! It's so important for young gays to experience that representation early on in life! It shows them that what they are experiencing is valid and normal. Which is why many people love the recent animated series "Steven Universe" (since it has really pioneered LGBT representation in the world of animation). However, I know for a fact that big studios like Disney will never show this type of representation (at least not until the end of my lifetime probably) You will NEVER see two Disney PRINCES IN LOVE. The Disney corporation would collapse and go bankrupt. They know that most of the population doesn't want to see that and that parents would protest taking their kids to see a animated film about a gay couple (arguing that it's left wing propaganda and they're trying to brainwash the youth). And that's honestly such a shame. What message does that send out to LGBT youth? I think we perhaps have different experiences when it comes to seeking our respected gay communities. Think about it this way--us gay people have to FIND each other. Straight people don't have to do this. Because they KNOW that almost everywhere they go, they are surrounded by people that share the same sexuality as they do. This is not the case for LGBT people. We have to go out of our way (often times) to gay bars, gay support groups, gay volunteer groups, just to get a glimpse of our "tribe." And what if we don't want to go out and "search?" Well we just have to accept the reality that we will very rarely run into someone who we might be sexually compatible with. The very chat board we use right now would not exist if life were as easy as it is being straight. Clearly, there are certain issues that are only experienced by LGBT people: coming out, falling in love with straight people, dealing with homophobic parents, dealing with losing a friend because of your sexuality/gender indentity, etc. ---------- Post added 8th Oct 2016 at 10:34 AM ---------- THIS! A hundred times YES! Thanks for the reply Creativemind; you completely get it. Also, thanks for sharing your experiences as a lesbian! It's a great way to compare, contrast and learn about how our experiences differ within our own community.
I totally agree with OGS on the unrequited love front tbh. I don't usually feel too much like it's got much to do with my queerness, just my luck. Mainly because I have been torn about by unrequited love for queer girls. Two queer girls I had in my life and they loved each other and i sure as hell wrote songs about it haha. I haven't had this heartbreaking straight girl crush. I've just had unrequited love stories haha.
I am bi, it is no surprise to anyone that I have been with guys in the past. When I get to know a girl, I want to make sure of two things a) that she knows I am bi and is okay with it (that includes mentioning my past with guys) and b) that she knows I am currently into her. I have seen biphobia enough to know this is a thing and that some women will brush me off simply for having been with guys in the past, so that is important for me to make sure that the person I'm seeing is okay with this part of me and won't freak out to find out I have been with guys in the past. I think it's only complicated to mention people of the opposite sex to the person you like if a) this person doesn't know you are bi at all and b) if that person is biphobic. I am out to everyone so while I have a past with guys, my attraction for the same gender is no secret. I understand that the guy you've talked about hasn't come out to you so what I've mentionned doesn't really apply to you but you need to keep in mind that most bi people will logically start their sexual/romantic life with the opposite sex. When I met my "trigger crush", I definitely liked her but 99.9% and it was very obvious that I liked her but my stories involved almost exclusively guys so I guess it would have been easy to tag me as straight. I was also scarred by my feelings and it was easy to hide under that straight cover and emphasis on the fact that I was usually dating guys (because you know, if I reminded myself, maybe I would remember and stop crushing on a girl! :rolle I am not saying this guy is going through any of that but who knows. Regarding the unrequited love part though, I must agree with OGS, unrequited love isn't a "gay problem" it's a "human problem". I have had lots of one-sided crush with straight guys as I did with straight girls and no doubt will with queer girls. I think regardless of your sexuality, there will always be a moment where you will crush on someone who won't like you back. It's just life. Being straight doesn't mean that you like every other straight person nor does it mean that everyone else that's straight will like you back. Being straight just mean you've technically got a bigger pool to fish from but definitely doesn't save you from heartbreak or unrequited love (unfortunately).
Hey SHACH, Thanks for your response! I definitely agree with OGS on the unrequited love front as well (as I mentioned in my response to him). I don't think any human being who desires romantic and or sexual companionship would contest that it is a human problem. However, I think this problem is strongly exacerbated for those desiring a relationship with someone of the same sex. As you mentioned in your earlier response "It really frustrated me that I just can't charm a girl into wanting me cooos, shes probably just straight, you know?" People who are interested in dating the opposite sex do not need to worry about this hurdle. I've rarely, IF EVER, heard a straight person say "Oh, I can't woo this girl/guy because what if they're gay? Maybe I shouldn't even bother, since that's most likely the case anyway." Some people like yourself have not experienced "the straight crush." I suppose this depends on one's taste in the opposite sex. I think the reason why "the straight crush" is so prevalent is because there is a large group of people who are romantically/sexually attracted to those who do not necessarily come across as stereotypically gay. This is where the issue lies: if you cannot immediately discern what a person's sexuality is at first glance or if that information has not been disclosed to you, it becomes challenging and even risky to show some sort of emotional interest. I'm not here to bash straight people or complain about how gay people have it harder. I'm just saying that we have been dealt a unique hand of cards that requires us to adjust to society in a way that those who have been dealt a "normal" hand of cards do not. Just like you, I dream of a world where people do not assume people's sexuality and where anyone can confess their love and feelings for each other without having to worry about the consequences. Unfortunately, this isn't the world we live in at the moment, so those of us who are attracted to the same sex must adjust and take the necessary precautions.
Sorry bro, I also agree with OGS. His words are wise. I don't think you mean any negativity towards straight people but your responses come off as a little insensible. I'm gonna start by saying I have no concrete proof or evidence to back this up but I highly doubt the statistic of 95% of people being straight is true. Hell I'd even take that as a bet. Last study I looked at predicted the majority of the population was bisexual, pansexual, or some form of sexual fluidity. Now are we still the minority...yeah maybe but the odds aren't as implausible as it seems. Its definitely not true that if you were straight your chances of having a crush reciprocate feelings would be nearly guaranteed. The friendzone is real man. Just because you meet someone and your sexual orientations are aligned doesn't mean you wanna date them. Straight peeps deal with similar problems all the time too. Back when I thought I was straight I never had a relationship. If a guy asked me out, even if I knew him and liked him as a platonic friend, I'd turn him down. I now know I'm bisexual, so according to what it sounds like you're saying I'd have double the chances to get with someone. That's not how it works, I need someone to connect with on deeper level. If that doesn't happen I'm just not attracted at all. Think of it this way. Yeah your crush may have the higher probability of being fixed in his heterosexuality but even if he was gay doesn't mean he'd be into you. And it may hurt now but if you keep on, you'll likely find someone you click with that is into you in every way. That's what it's about. Of course lgbt+ folks need more media representation. I think we can all agree on that. Don't count Disney out so soon. With that whole give Elsa a girlfriend they've already made a statement saying they'll show a non hetero couple in their films when they feel there's enough monetary gain for it. Its not the most noble reason but hey now we have no excuses. Lets put our money where are mouths are and promise to blow up the box office if they give us a princess finding her princess, or a prince rescuing his prince!
Hey PrettyinPunk, Thanks for your response! As I've stated several times, I do agree with OGS's point on the unrequited love front. This is a human problem I don't mean to sounds pessimistic, but the majority of the population being bisexual, pan sexual, or some form of sexual fluidity? I think that claim is a bit outlandish especially without any solid proof or evidence. Gary Gates, an LGBT demographer at the Williams Institute, estimated in one review that 11 percent of the American population has experienced same-sex attraction, but only eight percent have acted on it in their adult life, and only 3.5 percent identify as gay, lesbian or bisexual. How Many People are Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender? | Williams Institute I definitely don't know where you got the idea that I believe if one is straight then the chances of having one's feeling's reciprocated would be nearly guaranteed. Far from it. Having been set up on blind dates by many of my straight female friends in high school assuring me "You'll love our gay friend from the next school over, he's gay too!"-- I know far too well that aligning sexual orientations is not enough. Obviously we need more than just someone with the same sexual orientation as us. Who would deny this? Like you said, we need someone who is able to connect with us on a deeper level otherwise the relationship cannot progress in the first place. The main point that I am trying to make is this: The dating pool for those who want to engage in a relationship with someone of the same sex, is very low. Naturally this is because our population is very low to begin with. This exacerbates the unrequited love issue (that OGS originally brought up) for those that like the same sex; it makes it more frequent and it makes it more potent. Put it this way, how often do you think a straight person has been told "Sorry, I'm gay, I'm not into guys/girls" versus people who are into the same sex? Probably a significant amount less, right? Let's say that those of us who are attracted to the same sex do find someone we know is sexually compatible with us--then you can argue we are on the same playing field as our straight counter-parts. Because once the issue of "finding" (and by god do I mean searching to the ends of the earth sometimes haha) someone who has aligning sexual orientations as us, THEN we can go on and talk about unrequited love; THEN it becomes an issue of personality, and THEN we can start worrying about connection. Also a final note on the LGBT representation issue. I don't mean to be obtuse, but do you really think if Disney put out a movie about two princesses or two princes, that the entire world would erupt in glee and blow up the box office? I mean for bloody sake's, almost half of the Unites States wants to elect Donald Trump into office! Does this sound like a reasonable population who is open to that? Same sex marriage was only legalized in all 50 states last year and that was by a vote of 5-4 (barely scraping by). Just like racism, homophobia is still alive and well and it's going to take quite a while until these issues can be resolved (if ever fully resolved at all). I am an animation student currently studying to get into the animation industry. And trust me, I know what the industry is like having talked to professionals myself and having talked to my instructors who are very aware of the issues in the current system. As much as we like to believe animation is all happy fun times, it's not. People get abused, under-paid, and non-existent job security. Every animated film you watch today starts off in a board room of investors and directors asking "can we make money off this film if it were to be made?" "If we can't make merchandise that kids will buy all over the world, then we are not going to invest in this." Do you think as many parents are going to take their kids to see two princes/princesses kissing as they did when Finding Dory came out? Let's be real here.
You just completely missed the point of this post. It's not that gay people can't face unrequited love with other gay people, or that straights don't face it with other straights. It's that people are statistically not interested in the same sex at all, period, even if you ignore all the other problems. Which makes it very very unlikely for a gay person to find a partner at all, especially when you combine the issues of unrequited love and incompatibility. Yes, we know that straight people face unrequited love. But 90% of the world is straight, so that one person who rejected them doesn't hurt their chances much in the long run. They can find a large slew of people who will probably say yes. Me? Well, first I have to know if the person is gay or bi at all, which is very very minimal. Then we have to figure out whether they even want to date us, and whether our personality, interests, and sexual desires are compatible. Straight people might face the latter two issues as well, but at least they're free to know that almost everyone in the world that they talk to likes their gender. So that's at least a hurdle they will not face. And what happens if you're a gay person who hates casual sex, only wants a committed relationship, wants to wait for a committed relationship? It's even harder considering our only real options are dating sites, bars, and LGBT clubs, many of which are oversexualized and have never appealed to me. At least a straight person who doesn't want casual sex has the option of church mates, regular school mates/co-workers, or people in the grocery store/library. This is not an option for a gay person. And don't even get me started on all those bi-curious and actual bi girls who only want to use you as an experiment, or force you to fuck her and her boyfriend. It seems like 99% of my dating pool is filled with this kind of garbage.
I think outlandish is a bit strong of a word..and the study had from what I can tell just as much evidence as the one you mentioned. Which by the way is outdated and guaranteed incorrect due to one important factor. The more and more our society accepts non heteronormative people the more people feel comfortable coming out. I'm sure you've heard some ignorant homophobic person say "why is being gay so popular now? Everyone's gay now!" This is a rude over exaggeration but there's truth to it. Since even in the past year it's become more acceptable to be openly gay, so of course the statistics have to change. As an example, if I had been involved in that study back in 2011 I would have identified as straight, because I thought I was. I wouldn't have been part of the 10% but now I am. I mean just take a look on the forums here of others journeys, how they were questioning and then came out. Here's a link to an article on a recent study of more people admitting they are bisexual or have bisexual behavior. STUDY: New CDC Report Finds More Men Identifying as Bisexual | Advocate.com Here's another that specifically mentions the Williams Institute Study and why it doesn't hold up anymore. Also a quick mention, most of those studies only deal with a U.S. population. The rest of the world is queer too. Millennials Are the Gayest Generation - The Daily Beast Now I'll level with you. I personally don't think that lgbt+ folks are the majority sexuality. There's more than you'd believe trust me. I mean technically if 49% of people were gay and 51% were straight the straight folks would be the majority but the difference is small in comparison. (That's not an actual statistic btw) Well to me it sounded like that's what you were saying in a response post you made to OGS. You said lgbt peeps have it harder unlike straights who can at least know the other gender will be into said gender strictly on orientation and probability. I disagree but I also thought you were saying hense their attractions are more likely to be reciprocated. It was very late when I responded to your post so maybe I read it wrong or maybe it's a miscommunication? It's the internet so it happens. If that's the case disregard that part of my post. I'm pretty sure I never said there wouldn't be a backlash. I simply stated what Disney themselves stated which I believe is true. They said when monetary gain is in the favor of a lgbt couple, is when they'll show it. In simple terms when the people who would go see it financially is higher than those who wouldn't. Honestly were not too far from there. Now I'm a big Disney fan, they're considered the magic kingdom where any dream can come true. So it's sad to hear them say they won't be the trailblazers in the pro lgbt representation front. But I also understand what they have to lose if they make rash decisions. Still they have been utilizing subtle pro lgbt things on their media and they're not the only ones. Marvel, DC, other programs on major networks, I hear even Star Wars might get on the 'ol bandwagon. You mentioned SU yourself. That's crazy good progress dude! Of course there's still homophobia abound. To come out in some places you could lose your job in some your life. Don't assume I'm unaware of this hate. But every bit of progress makes people and ideals like this a dying breed. I don't understand how you can't see a queer disney( or similar) movie happening in your lifetime. I can see it in mine and your younger than I! No I didn't, I comprehended the point well enough. Mine was made against the very statistic claim. I was just adding in the extra incompatibility issue. Also why is it you think that just because we identify as non straight, that immediately means we're forced to find potential lovers only in gay clubs and gay apps? Why is finding love ok at church, school, or a grocery for heterosexual people and not us? I gotta say I find that ridiculous. The love of your life could be doing laundry in a laundry mat you can't be sure. So why limit yourself? Society does that enough in our community, why make it harder on ourselves. And if we're judging our dating pool only on such places of course our chances are lowered. You said those places make you uncomfortable, your not alone on that. I don't do clubs or dating apps but I'm certainly open to a loving, commited, relationship! And I'm sorry you've had such poor luck and experiences with possible love interests. I want to stress I'm not saying lgbt peeps don't have it hard in this way but it's not impossible to find someone either. If you have a connection with someone, be honest (so long as it's realistically safe) with them. You can never tell a persons sexuality unless you ask, so don't assume they're straight and not give it a shot. I'm not saying you do this, just speaking generally.
