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Mom may be stealing from me and invading privacy...?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by StaticDragon, Oct 18, 2016.

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  1. StaticDragon

    StaticDragon
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    Okay, hey, I'm Sherlock, and I haven't been on here for a while. Don't hold your breath, cuz I accidentally went off ranting. Sorry man. TLDR at bottom.

    Anyways, I came here to discuss problems with my life, how to deal with stuff, support and whatnot, and for the past few months, my life's been going pretty great so I didn't really need to do anything.

    Well, I mean, until a few days ago.

    You see, at school I sell candy to my classmates and even to my teachers, which is how I get money. I don't have allowance because I like being ambitious and earning my 'paycheck', so that's why my dad gave me a credit card- so that I could buy product online (which is usually cheaper for me). And I've been living off of that (so far I've been able to buy a drawing tablet AND a pair of Doc Martens from my profits, sweeet), which is nice, because I have a sense of responsibility, and like I'm maturing some way. Backstory over, I'll continue---

    Surprisingly, a lot of kids have twenty dollar bills, and they buy candy off of me with that. Well, I'm not dumb, so I keep the twenties in a card box and hide it in my shelf. Why hide it? Because I've been suspecting my mom was stealing from me since, I dunno, FOURTH GRADE. As a small angsty 'teenager', yeah, this really pisses me off. She even 'borrows' from me--- she's stolen Christmas money from me, birthday money, and my middle school graduation gift from my grandparents (a FIFTY dollar bill). Later, when I ask her to give it back, she laughs it off and says it's to pay for my new phone (which is really messed up, because she always pressures me to get the new iPhone every time we go to T-Mobile to upgrade our phones, even though I don't really want to. for ex: she told me to get an iPhone 7, and we all know about that phone's jackless problems), or she says it's to pay off my new shoes (WHICH, may I add: I ALSO don't get new shoes all the time, I wear the same pair every day until the soles break off, and even then I use duct tape to fix it). No matter what, if I ask for my money back, she excuses it by saying it's to pay off clothes, or my new bed (we recently moved, so we bought new furniture), or whatever the hell she says I need to pay for.

    Sorry. Teenage angst getting the better of me. I'm just angry, and frustrated.

    So I've gone to extremes to hide my money since fifth grade- I've carved compartments out of books to store it on my shelve (note how I said BOOKS--- yes, I have had to hide it in MULTIPLE spots), I sewed together a small hidden pocket in my school bag, and recently I've hidden my cash in a small box I hid in the back of my desk drawer. I thought I was just being paranoid at first, but I kept it safe anyways.

    Recently, I forgot to put back one of my safe caches; a card box. I didn't realize until after coming home from school that the box was open, and I was missing $80. I raged out and started crying, hitting my closet door, and I even thought of smashing a hole through the wall using a nearby hammer (from building the bed that 'I have to pay for'). No, I don't Hulk out often- I'm reserved, and don't like to be loud. But I just felt something weird; I started to panic, and I searched everywhere for my money. Then I started to freak out and just wanted to hit something, and I got really shaky and fidgety and I was crying and I wanted to punch my wall.

    Before, I thought that I had misplaced my cash since I'm really forgetful. After that, I realized she was stealing money from me. I felt really... betrayed? Stupid? Like it was my fault?

    I still kinda want to punch my bedroom walls, tbh.

    It's my fault for leaving the box out, I know. I shouldn't have. But she keeps entering my room and doing stuff without my permission (an hour ago I found out she put my potted plant in the bathroom and was overwatering it- it's now half-dead and yellow). Last week she also rearranged all my books to size, even though it was all arranged by category and author, which messed me up because I use those books to study. A month ago, and I kid you not, she actually rearranged my entire room, moving the bed, shoving all my stuff on my desk chair, and putting all my art supplies and watercolors WITH MY DRAWING TABLET (watercolors. WET). She took my guitars and hung them on my wall even though I didn't want to, and added random things onto my desk (a Jesus calender, which is in the bottom of my desk drawer). She's also come into my room after work (she comes home at midnight), and just rearranged things and taken stuff (I faked sleeping so that I could catch her doing it). It feels violating, to know that my safe space isn't even safe. Nothing of mines is private; she always has to do something, or criticize me, or something. I don't ask for any of these thing; heck, I put signs on my door to not enter my room.

    It's like she's forcing me to do all this stuff- spend money, buy things, arrange my room in her way- and when I actually do things my way (like buying my own shoes, buying books, decorating my room with posters), she says it looks stupid ("I don't like Converse, they don't last long." "Why spend money on books when you can read them online?" "Those posters look ugly, take them down."), or it doesn't look nice. It always has to be something she likes. It's like she's Matilda's mom (SHE DOESN'T WANT ME TO BUY BOOKS. BROOO); all she buys me is Jordans or those Steph Curry-sponsored UnderArmor shoes when I want cheaper Vans and Converse, or she gets me makeup when I don't even wear frickin' eyeliner. I've only been able to get my own stuff of MY CHOICE recently because of the credit card my dad gave me, and I've gotten so much more freedom to be a normal teenager with acne and a bad sense of punk rock fashion.

    Oh. Speaking of my dad, he's actually had to give me $80 back because my mom stole it from me. He's been the one who's been compensating me for all of the sh*t my mom has pulled off (im sorry for the language, im just really angry, and again- teenage angst). He bought me my current laptop (A NOTE: my mom bought me a laptop before, and six months later stole it from me because she claimed 'the charger isn't working and needs to be fixed'.), and let me start my candy-selling business. He gave me a credit card so then I could buy my own stuff and learn about financial responsibility, and he bought me clothes and supplies for school. He's the only person I trust about the stuff that my mom is doing, and I can tell that he's tired of it too. He shouldn't have to deal with her- no one should.

    I need help on how to stop this. I'd probably estimate that I've lost about $500 from her over my life, which angers me, honestly. It may not be much, but at a young age, that is a LOT, and I need every penny of it. And she's invading my privacy- I'm even scared that she might be monitoring me or something. I'm too afraid to tell her to give my money back again, and I can't do anything because I'm still a minor and she's my legal guardian. I don't know. I need advice on parental problems like this.

    TLDR; Mom is invading my privacy and stealing my money, and has been doing so for years. She's also been pushy and forcing me to do stuff I don't want to do. IDK what to do and how to get my money back. I feel invaded.
     
    #1 StaticDragon, Oct 18, 2016
  2. RavenWing

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    Wow. I don't mean to offend you, but your mother is acting like a child. This is unfair to you on so many levels. Is there any way that you can get a lock for your bedroom door? You could wear the key around your neck on a string.
    As for getting your money back, have you tried rationalizing with your mother or talked to your dad about what is going on? I really hope that you kind figure out what to do about this and that you can get what she stole back.
     
    #2 RavenWing, Oct 18, 2016
  3. JustABisexual

    JustABisexual
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    That sounds absolutely terrible. That really is an invasion of your privacy. Is there not a lock you can use to keep your Mom out during school/night times and when you are out? Maybe talking to your Dad about it all then suggesting a lock to him may be good? You shouldn't have to feel like you should hide something that you worked so hard to be proud of! If you really are that paranoid, despite how wrong it is that you're forced to feel that way, maybe hiding the cash in your mattress could be an alternative? I doubt she would put that much effort into flipping your mattress over to find it. I seriously suggest talking to your Dad about this all. As a adult that your Mom may actually listen to, he may be able to convince her to actually stop and realise all her wrong doings and pay back the money.

    I'm really sorry that you are in position in the first place :frowning2:
     
    #3 JustABisexual, Oct 18, 2016
  4. Chip

    Chip
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    This is more than acting like a child. The experience you're growing up with -- the constant boundary violations, the stealing, the lying and disingenuous behavior, and the utter disregard for your personal space -- is incredibly inappropriate, wrong, and likely a diagnosable mental health illness. This is probably the worst case of boundary violation I've heard of (other than actual sexual abuse) by a parent.

    My first question: Do your parents live together? If so, have you talked to your dad about getting his help in actually changing your mother's behavior? It's one thing for him to give you back 1/5 of the money that's been stolen from you, and something completely different to actually solve the issue of her continually stealing from you.

    This isn't something you should just sit back and take. You have every right to be angry. And your mother's bullshit excuses about the stolen money being for shoes, or a phone, or whatever else she's bought you... is completely disingenuous. It could, arguably, be reasonable to ask you to pay for some things, but then she could ASK you to pay her, and let you give her the money. There is no circumstance under which it is OK for her to steal from her own son. Not only is it wrong, it is incredibly damaging to your own sense of safety, but to your mental health; it is going to have an impact on your ability to trust, to feel safe, to believe in anyone.

    So my first thought is you need a sit-down with your dad and you need to absolutely insist that this must stop immediately. Since I suspect that your mother will be incapable of abiding by any rules enacted, I would suggest putting a deadbolt lock on the door to your room, to which only you and your father have a key (provided that he backs you up.)

    If your parents are separated, is there any possibility you could live with your dad?

    And finally, if none of this works, it may be appropriate to contact a responsible adult (guidance counselor, trusted relative or adult friend) and ask them to help you report this issue to Child Protective Services. It is not the typical case of abuse they see, but there's no question that what you are experiencing is emotional abuse. But that's a scorched-earth option that I'd propose as a last resort, because it seems clear that your mother has a mental health issue and it could be difficult dealing with CPS.

    In any case, don't put up with this. There are lots of ways to solve it, but I don't think you'll be able to do it by yourself.
     
    #4 Chip, Oct 18, 2016
  5. I'm gay

    I'm gay
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    The only advice I would add would be to get a safe. Sorry you've had to go through this.
     
    #5 I'm gay, Oct 18, 2016
  6. Hushhh

    Hushhh
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    I'm sorry I'm a bit biased on this one. Ok so she has stolen more or less $500 from you?
    We know stealing is wrong!!! No matter how we put it, it's wrong. Let's say she spent the money on things, for you for her or whatever.

    Now, can you calculate all things you have at home that she bought and paid for, water, electricity bill, mortgage or rent, minus the support you get from the government or from your dad? Maybe roughly take half and multiply it by 14 years?
    I am not trying to dismiss your feelings about her taking your money as irrelevant, but try to ask, maybe she needed to buy things, food, or gas, and she was short during that time. Maybe she is not well off, is she struggling with anything? Her expenses? Maybe you could offer to help her. At the end of the day she is your flesh and blood.
    Your dad may be a cool one, you wished you lived with him, but your mom has been there for you most of the time right?

    Ok other kids have more privacy than you do. Your mom is not perfect, nobody is, no matter how much we wish to have other people looking out for us, we just can't have them. Can you at least try to talk to your mom about your books, explain that you sorted them out for your own reasons. That goes out to anything you'd like to say to her. Respectfully talk to het about it, communicate.

    I totally understand your rant. I was the same when I was your age. My mom borrowed my christmas, bday, holiday money, and savings, by borrow it also means "thank you"
    But my mom raised me and my other siblings alone, no government support, and no support from my junkie father, nothing.

    I hope you forgive your mother. You can put your money in the bank, maybe you can ask your dad to do it for you? Good luck! I admire your sense of responsibility, and that you are a smart kid I can tell! :slight_smile:
    Continue to be responsible, study hard, rock on! :slight_smile:
     
    #6 Hushhh, Oct 19, 2016
    Last edited: Oct 19, 2016
  7. Chip

    Chip
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    If your mother needed to buy things then she could ASK you to either give her the money or let her borrow it. Stealing it, and then disingenuously telling you it was for this or that is the problem. There is absolutely no justification for her actions, no excuse, no valid explanation, NONE of that. Nothing makes this remotely OK.

    Further the coming into your room and rearranging things, including WHEN YOU ARE IN THERE ASLEEP is an incredible boundary violation. It seems clear that you've discussed this sort of thing with her and gotten no response. And, no, stealing (not "borrowing") your money does not in any way mean "thank you."

    No, this isn't something you simply "forgive" her for, put up with, accept, or tolerate, for any reason. As I said before, it is one of the most serious boundary violations I have ever heard of, short of sexual abuse.

    One other thought that occurred to me: Is there any possibility that your mother has a drug problem? The symptoms you're describing could be consistent with someone feeding a drug habit, and if so, then I do think contact with CPS would be appropriate here.
     
    #7 Chip, Oct 19, 2016
  8. Smores

    Smores
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    I unfortunately can relate to this. My mom took money from me and my siblings, mind you my siblings were 7,8, and 9 at the time. She also "borrowed" money from us. Me and my siblings kept track but never got a lot of that money back. We also only got money from birthdays and Christmas. Anyways, I think what you can do is try and have a talk with her. I know that can be hard and she probably won't listen but it's a good starting point. Also, maybe look into opening a bank account and depositing money so there is no cash to take. I believe you can do this at 13 but I may be wrong. Another option is having your dad hold onto your money for you. As for the coming in your room and changing things around, I think you'll just have to deal with that for now unfortunately. If she just keeps moving things around I'd just leave them. However, I personally keep all of my art stuff underneath my bed so if you could do that, you can at least keep that safe. I hope I was able to help some. I hope things get better.
     
    #8 Smores, Oct 19, 2016
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