Hi. I've gotten out of my first relationship a week ago. I'm in a lot of pain at the moment. I'm experiencing so many unpleasant feelings. From the beginning, this has been a wonderful relationship. This is the relationship where I came out to my family and friends for once. I had a wonderful senior year in high school with this person. She made my day and gave me hope for the future. I learned to open up about my feelings because of her, try new things, and experience how to care for another person. I feel shaken up from what's happened this past month. That's where problems began. I started college a little earlier than my ex because I was joining a military program. Turns out, it happened to be one of the most stressful experiences I've endured. I only lasted 3 days. I told my ex about how I was so stressed, anxious all the time and she and her mom got involved and encouraged me to leave. I did, and I had to transition to not living a life I was expecting to for months. However, after leaving, I was left feeling pathetic, embarrassed, ashamed. Another thing that made these feelings worse was that I didn't have all the money to pay for attending my school. I was very stressed out and looked for help at my school but they couldn't offer much. So at this point I was feeling mad at everything, especially myself. I didn't wanna stay at the school but I couldn't do much since it was September. I didn't attempt to make any friends, I had a hard time with my classes, and that made me feel worse. My ex tried to help me with these issues, but I refused, because at that point I wanted the worse for me. I had more pile up on me when I finally confessed to my parents that I didn't wanna pursue being a doctor anymore. When I explained that I didn't wanna have a huge debt and be able to have a family, they freaked out, telling me I was crazy, that I didn't care about them, that I was letting my ex brainwash me. I cried that night and told my ex about it. She was fed up with me at that point. To make it worse, I later confessed I cried sometimes throughout the day, no good reason. I guess that messed her up and decided it was time for a "break". This break lasted two days, but during it, she slept with someone else. She said the break was a "break up". So by that logic, it wasn't cheating, but she felt bad about it and was scared to tell me. I asked if she wanted to work on our relationship, and she and I agreed. Everything was fine for about three weeks. Then the week of the break up, she tells me she and her roomate who is also gay was being distant. I believed it, and genuinely tried to help because I knew she was like a best friend to her. The day after, she tells me she actually cheated on me with her. We had a fight about it over video. I tried to understand why she would do it. She said she felt that her roomate had what I lacked and that was a career plan. She said she didn't understand why I wasn't doing better than her in college, (I was the top 5% of my class in high school), asked what I had accomplished so far on my own. I told her what I could pull from my mind: coming out, getting into college. She kinda brushed them off, asking for a better response. She said when she met me, she expected a girl who was going to Harvard, going to be a doctor (and I was but I kinda changed my plans to make this relationship work). I was mad at her for that. I wanted to break it off. But at the same time I didn't. We have been through a lot and i knew she had family problems going on at the same time and I was understanding of it. I also knew she had some sex problems but I wasn't gonna give up because of that. I asked again if she wanted to work on it. She said yes. So I made a trip from my college to hers (from the Austin area to Forth Worth) to talk about it. We were smiling and happy to see each other. Everything seemed fine. We went to the mall and we intended to buy some stuffed animals. She gave me her promise ring since I had to leave mine at home because of the military program. We ate, looked at the carousel, she talked about kids and i felt very secure. We went to buy the little stuffed animals but backed off it because we thought it would be a lot of money. Then she said she felt weird. I think I knew at that point I was in for the worse. We got into her car, and she said she wanted to break up. She felt awful for what she did and said I deserved better. I had to stay in her city because my bus fare was due the next day. I felt awful. Embarrassed. Like a fool. I've felt anger at first, now I'm feeling down. Sometimes I can't help but think I wasn't enough. I mean, I struggled a lot with college, but I worked at it, even at the place I didn't want to be at anymore. I wonder what I did to deserve this. To be lied to, be betrayed, be told I wasn't apparently enough that she has to look outside for what she wanted. I want to move on, but I'm so tortured by her words. Tortured by the idea that the person who supposedly loves you could do such a thing. That she'd be capable of doing that to others. I can't stop dreaming about her. I try to hang out with people around my college but sometimes I feel so empty. I've recieved a lot of help from strangers, which has opened my eyes. I want to get on with school and my life, but at the moment, I can't stop crying. I feel like a dissapointment, a fool
