My dad is homophobic. Advice needed.

Hi DanielSmith,

Sorry to hear your Dad is such a problem both for the homophobia and racism as well as the physical abuse. First off, I'm very impressed that you are able to stand up to him and make it clear you won't give in. Second, have you thought of reporting him for hitting you? I don't know if you want to tackle that but it might be something you want to think about.

When you say next year I assume you mean Sep. 2017? Are you able to wait that long and you are asking for advice about how to cope? Or are you asking whether it is possible to educate him? From what you say it sounds like he has consciously adopted this homophobic/racist persona in which case he might refuse to even consider what you say. Regarding spending as much time at university that seems like a good idea given the situation you are in - but it won't bring about change with your parents (sorry if that is a bit of a downer but I thought it is worth pointing out).

Sorry if I haven't been very helpful but feel free to correct if I've misunderstood what you are asking for. Obviously there is nothing wrong with you and I'm sure you know this from how much you enjoy spending time with guys - don't doubt yourself.

 

DanielSmith,

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. You also should be proud of yourself for choosing to live in integrity and stand up to him. You're obviously old enough and you have every right to declare who you are and expect to be honored as a human being.

Honestly, your dad sounds a bit irrational, and I can see a few qualities like that in my dad! Homophobia has firm roots in patriarchy and sexism, so your dad's perception of you being "feminized" by being gay could be harder for him than the actual thought of you loving men. Regardless, I think you have limited options as far as his behavior goes, so you need to modify your behavior.

Do you have much longer to go until you move out? Can you support yourself if you were to be thrown out? If you can support yourself and if he hits you regularly, I would report it to law enforcement. I would also inform him that if he does hit you that you will report him. If you cannot support yourself or if you feel that you could not report him, then I would minimize your interaction with him. I agree that as soon as you are away at university you should have a minimal amount of contact with him.

This may sound strange, but sometimes the most hateful homophobe is covering their own sexual insecurity. Your father, if he is closeted in some way, could actually be your very worst enemy. Do not underestimate the physical and emotional threat if you suspect this, and do not take any chances with your safety.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I had a few instances of violence in my home too, and there are no words. I'm so sorry.

*warm hugs*

Patrick
Seattle, WA

 

Perhaps you should describe some of those times.

I started reading your post thinking that perhaps I could suggest you be gentle on your father, giving him some space. However, after finishing I think his behavior is reprehensible, passive-aggressive, and hostile. I think your impression of what's on his mind is fairly clear, and it doesn't appear you're making this up in your head.

Perhaps your mother is caught in the middle of this. I wish I could offer a solution, but distance is a good idea this coming year. It's not hopeless--in time, perhaps he will see he is hurting himself and making a world war out of something rather trivial.

All I can suggest is that you try to live your life proudly. There is some indication that your father isn't completely satisfied with himself. Why not show him what it's like to stand up and be yourself--by your example? I hope it works out for you. I know not having a parent on your side is a serious disadvantage.

 

Hey Daniel Smith: My heart goes out to you ...and I totally can relate to your situation. I have seen posts similar to yours on the forum a lot and I responded to one recently by saying this: My immediate family are all homophobic and it was really strenuous and pressuring to live among them knowing this is how they felt. The thing is ...I had a cousin whom I was really close with who had taken me to my first gay club by the way. She was the one who "outed" me to one of my older brothers who then took that information back to the family. Afterwards...my family tend to look at this as being rumors although they speculated because I never put anything on display for them to see in regards to my sexuality.

However, one of my sisters did believe my cousin and it caused a lot of trouble for me at the house that I stayed away as much as possible to avoid arguments. It wasn't until I had my first boyfriend whom by the way was much older than myself. He had moved me out into his home so that was my saving grace so to speak because once I moved out...I was abandoned from the family unit for a couple of years. A sibling finally reached out to me one day and invited me over to the house for a birthday dinner. I was reluctant to go but she kept insisting that I did. My appearance got the ball rolling so to speak where I was allowed to come around again. Although, I did not come around that often..when I did..my boyfriend would call consistently during my visit as if to check up on me. My mom got really suspicious and since her and I were in the house alone...she confronted me about my sexuality and my connection with him. I told her the truth and she responded that what's been said would stay between her and I and she would not tell any of the other family members. Unfortunately, she told everyone including other relatives. From that point on...I was not welcome around family members and black balled from attending parties, celebrations and holidays for years.

Initially, for quite some time...I was very hurt and had even made attempts to bribe them with money and expensive gifts to win their love for me until I realized that this was a loss cause and I was being used and taken advantage of. I'm sharing this with you to tell you that at the end of the day...you cannot change homophobic people for their feelings towards the gay lifestyle and the more you stand up to them...it will not change their views. Honestly...they are entitled to feel the way they do and I am not saying that its right or fair..but if they are raised to believe that homosexuality is a sin from their parents ...they are just passing down what they were taught from them and so forth. In other words...the morals are getting passed down from generation to generation. So..to conclude...stop wasting your time with this because its not going to accomplish anything but more problems for you with your father. I would suggest that if you live with your family and can afford to move out if it bothers you then move out and get your own space. Otherwise, if you cannot afford to move out then stop discussing this issue with him and try to stay out of his way as much as possible to avoid arguments with him. In the long run..that is his home and he can feel any way he pleases whether its wrong or right. Think about it...JS

 

Sorry about this, but your Dad sounds like a dick and a stubborn asshole (yes you can be both).
I mean how dare he treat his son like that. There's no excuse.
Good to know that you're going away to uni soon.

I sympathize for your mum though. The man doesn't sound like the kind of guy that a wife is free to stand up to, which is sad. I hope when the 2 of you are alone together, that you can both speak and act a little free-er.

 

I wrote a note - it got lost before posted.

in short - your dad projects his own insecurity and self hated onto you

its not you. you are not disgusting


his hate is disgusting



he needs to do serious work on his deep issues

you need to get away from his dysfunction . it will make you sick - stay safe


get away


if he hits you again, i suggest you have him arrested

Some time in jail might wake up him to the fact that he needs help, and cannot live like this. That there IS something wrong with him, that he is NOT OK


take good care of yourself. get your head away from his sick head


visit your mom without him when you can


take care

 

I would say if you like your wider family and they're supportive maybe ally with them. Get outta that house as fast as you can. I know a case in which the parents are super christian and they haven't accepted it since years. Unfortunately the odds that your father will eventually change are not in your favor.

 

Daniel, Be patient until you are able to support yourself. Though I won't be too keen on getting hit...With my dad it was and still, at 82, is verbal. You may have to accept that he will never change. Remember don't ever carry what you have learned from him into your future relationships...Be the best man you can be in life!