Hi All, I've been on and off this site a couple of times over the past few years and the reason I stop coming back is because I'm in denial and tell myself I'm not gay so why am I on this site. I've now managed to alienate myself from everyone who cares about me apart from my close family who I take my frustration out on a regular basis. I'm not looking for sympathy or attention but rather just somewhere to let it all out without anyone knowing who I am. After refusing invites for social events I'm now at the stage where everyone has stopped asking me to go out. Those that stayed in contact are now in families so I don't hear from them. My life has become work and home and the occasion bit of volunteering. I keep telling myself that tomorrow is a new day and a new start but after several years of telling myself that I'm now stuck in a loop. I've thought about getting a girlfriend and start dating but the thought of even going on a dating web site seems like more effort than anything else. Not sure what else to say, other than I'm bored of predicting my day to day life with 99% accuracy.
Well, now that you're here, what sort of goals do you think you have for yourself with the site? Why do you think EC can help? It sounds like you've been doing a lot of avoiding over the years - isolating yourself in this way is probably a way of dodging the need to confront something. Tomorrow is always another day, but you will also have to make different choices to get different results. Case in point - you might have to start reaching out to people and asking if you can attend events or gatherings since they've stopped inviting you after you kept refusing. But, you can absolutely change things if you want to.
OK - well, if your male, how about thinking about getting a boyfriend and going dating with boys? I dunno whats pushing you into denial - but i hope you find your way out. Its way better to be out Have you talked to your family about being out? Are they homophobic.? London is an awesome place to be gay . Perhaps you can tap into some local gay community stuff and feel support and acceptance? Take it easy!!
Hi cd101, I have spent most of my life in denial. From the time I was in my early teens until two years ago, so about 35 years. I am now out to just about everyone and feeling better than I have in I don't know how long. No matter how long you have been in denial, it can change for you. It's not too late because it's never too late. Since you seem to be questioning your sexuality, I'm going to assume that you think you're gay, but are having trouble admitting it to yourself. For me, I knew I was gay by around 12-13 years old. I just couldn't accept that I was gay. I was ashamed and thought I was a bad person for having these feelings. I thought that being gay was a choice, and that I was causing my gay feelings by making the choice to think my gay thoughts. This led me to feel that I had to hide my feelings and force myself to not think about them. As time went on, I did just that. I stopped thinking about my feelings, and that's what brought me to denial and closet-dwelling for so long. We are here for you at EC. But we don't know very much of your story because you haven't shared much detail with us. Could you maybe describe what kinds of things make you think you might be gay? You said you're in denial, so that sounds like you're aware that you're in denial. Do you identify as gay, or do you still feel like you're not sure? There are many things we can talk about that may help you to figure yourself out. No one here can tell you if you are gay because we don't know you or your life, but we can suggest a lot things that may help you to clarify your thoughts and feelings for yourself. But this process works better if we know more about you and can help you better. The fact that you keep coming back here should maybe tell you that this isn't going to go away. Maybe you're not really in denial anymore and that's why you now want some answers for yourself. That's where EC comes in. Just know that you're not alone. We're here for you.
I've never been interested in women so I think that answers the question, I've been on a date with a woman before but I just wasn't interested. I'm very open minded myself and I'm not offended by anyone regardless of their age, sexuality or interests. I don't judge anyone for what they do or how they behave, I don't even judge myself but just cannot comes to terms with anything. I guess I'm just getting depressed from time to time when I see and hear about friends and family falling in love, going on holidays, getting married and having children. I've always wanted to get married (to a woman) and have children and live happily ever after... as the story goes. Yes, I am fully aware that no one lives a perfect life and I'm aware of the struggles they go through. In fact, I know a few people that are struggling with bills and family problems so I know it's not all perfect. At the moment I don't have the motivation or enthusiasm to go anywhere or do anything, just getting up of a morning is a struggle. I don't know anyone who is homophobic but I can think of a couple of points in my life where people have suggested that being gay is wrong but I don't see how that could have impacted on me. So all in all, I don't really know where to go from here or what to think.
cd101, I wonder if you're grieving the loss of what would have been a familiar heterosexual life? I agree that you don't seem particularly homophobic, but that doesn't mean that everything falls into place once you recognize you're gay either. If you are gay and out, your life will be different than had you been straight, and for some people that's a loss. I'm 43, single, gay, and I've been out for 20 years now. I'm out to family, friends, and friends at work. I don't hide it, yet there are times when I feel down. I see straight marriages, kids, soccer practices, halloween costumes, and all the other things that families do - and I wonder how I "lost" these by being gay. So I'm not ashamed to be gay, but there is this kind of grief over losing those things, and having to create my life from scratch. When I see the messy parts of straight life, it reminds me that their world isn't perfect, and that me being straight would not have been a panacea for pain. Sadness and loss can come from a spouse cheating, from kids getting into drugs, from losing a child, or from simply not being happy in a marriage. Lately I've seen straight marriages for what they are, and not the perfect version I had idealized. I'm getting through this grief by not comparing myself to others. It's too easy to see what others want you to see, and to conclude that they "have it all". But they have problems too, and your accomplishments and your great qualities are just as good as theirs. Don't diminish your own self worth by comparing yourself to others. So my apologies that I've just made a number of assumptions about what you may be going through, but the numbness and apathy you describe is not very different from my own at times. My advice is to think of yourself separate from them, special, and unique. You don't need to have what they have to be happy. You do need to celebrate yourself by being you in a way that only you can be. By not conforming to straight norms you have a huge degree of freedom to do the things you want and to be exactly who you want to be. Finally, if you find yourself isolating a lot and dwelling on dark thoughts, please see a therapist. Clinical depression can also cause numbness and apathy, and it's possible that this may challenge your process of acceptance. Do what you must to care for yourself and celebrate who you are. *warm hugs* Patrick Seattle, WA
