Hey guys, sorry for the rant... I usually don't do these, but I think it's important to get it out here since it's hard for me to communicate this to anyone irl right now... Well, you guys know that I am in high school, and it's awesome! I really enjoy my classes, my teachers, my "friends"... I guess I'll call them that, though tbh it's hard for me to just because they're not the sort of "friends" I am used to- I am used to having people fling themselves on me and declaring friendship, and vice versa, so I think I come off really strong around these guys, lol. XD Well, anyway, it's nice overall... I just got back from a club meeting today. We discussed a topic, but I wasn't really paying attention today I'll admit- it was mostly because I was tired and, being me, decided the best person to lay on was the person who asked if I'd sit by them today. Well, for better or worse, I didn't really rest since the position I was in made that difficult, and we just started getting into a conversation. XD So far so good, right? Well, this is where my life gets complicated: First off, a dear friend of mine is gone. He hasn't died, but he basically told me that I'd be better off without him and that he just wants to be completely alone, which he has wanted to be for I think a good year or two now... This really breaks my heart though, since last year he promised me that he wouldn't leave until I became friends with someone I can sort of rely on. I enjoy the people I hang out with, but that hasn't happened yet, so him leaving is definitely the ultimate betrayal, especially since I don't think he's ever broken a promise from another one of his friends. Are we really friends? I don't know at this point. Another issue in my life is, uh, relationships, but not in the average way. You see, I guess I DO like this girl, but the issue is... I think she thinks I'm going to go for her. I'm not. The friend I mentioned in the beginning of this post (the one I sat in the club with) also seems to think that. I'm not, but currently that second friend isn't an issue- the first one is. Her seeing me as "going for her" is an issue mostly because... Well, maybe I'm reading too much into it, but I think she might be getting annoyed with me, more so than if an average but distant friend said the things I said or did the things I did... Of course, there's a very real possibility I'm reading too much into this, since I don't have a way to test this theory and she overall seems extremely kind to me, even if it's clear in some moments she's annoyed. I just figured this would be good to get off of my chest, though I guess this is the biggest thing I need to get off my chest... So... I don't want to date. I mean, I want to, but I also don't want to. It's just... I guess I am just feeling the need to act "innocent" again- To me, my actions surely reflect this, though it's often misread as just a continuation to flirtation, which is far from the truth. It's also definitely not an "age-play" thing. I call my friends different names for family members, like uncle, sister, mommy, etc, but merely as a joke and slightly as a way to assert my friendship-ness onto them, lol. XD As I said, I can sort of come across strongly when trying to make friends, though so far most people have found it to be funny so... ANYWAY, back to the main topic! I don't want to date, mostly because I am afraid. I'm not sure exactly why I'm afraid- sex doesn't scare me, neither do relationships, or any one person... I guess it's just that I see myself as a somewhat evil person, and while that can be fine in day-to-day life, stuff like sex and talking about sex with people who might have even the slightest level of influence over me is a level of trust I just don't have with... I want to say people, but honestly I think it might me myself I don't trust. I think the ideal situation for me would be to just stick to casual romance until I am able to maybe one day trust myself and know everything is fine. Anyway, as I said before, sometimes I desire to act a little childish, just to pretend for a few moments of my life that everything is normal and I am not dark at all. I guess I think that, if I act less corrupt, I might eventually be less corrupt. I'm not sure if it's too late to think like that, but it's at least a way for me to see myself as a bit more human, even though as a person I don't see any good in myself at all- I've done random nice things for people, sometimes doing what people would say is "going out of my way", but really it's because I have almost no social life and am bored. Of course, when I say I desire romance, I really do mean it, at least to some degree. I desire, I guess, a mind-partner. Now, don't get me wrong, I have a REALLY strong libido, but what I really want is someone who I can ask questions and will question me for even just a few minutes every few days. That doesn't sound like traditional romance to most people, I know, but just having someone I can trust in general would be nice... I did have that sort of with the friend who left me, but not really. I wish I could find that sort of relationship again, and people with interesting thoughts and faces definitely attract my attention, but I guess it's just impossible for me to find that sort of person right now, and I'm fine with that. Still, I think this girl I like- quite obviously like- thinks I am pursuing her, and even worse, in "that way". I am not pursuing her in any way except as a friend, but I suspect it may be impossible to convince her of that entirely other than to just continue living the way I do and not changing how I interact with her really. I'm really glad I got this off my chest. I've been under a lot of stress lately, and these things haven't helped, but writing them out has. I am completely calm now, but please share your thoughts and tell me if you think this particular series of choices I've made in life are healthy or not. Thanks!
