Does being single bother you?

Yes...you should be out having fun and exploring the gay scene. I understand why now you feel the way you do considering you never given yourself the opportunity to meet guys and see if there's a possibility of something more. For myself...I've been in several long term relationships and after my last partner passed away unexpectedly..I went into a total seclusion for quite some time. I have met a couple of guys whom had approached me and showed interest of having a relationship with me..but there is always something that occurs about them that saves me from making a huge mistake with them. I have been dating which is fine with me at this time. I've chose to stay single for awhile because I have a very full schedule career wise and socially that includes doing a lot of charity work on weekends and I've grown accustomed to the life that I have now and I'm fine with it. Back to you...the last paragraph where you stated that you need to put yourself in a social setting in order to meet a guy that could turn out to be that special someone. You are correct in that analogy. You are at the prime of your life and you should be out there meeting new people. In regards to pursuing a relationship...I tend to believe in my case that when you do not have your focus on primarily meeting someone for that purpose...more than likely..you will meet the right person as opposed to going for the first thing that looks or smiles at you.

Perhaps you should consider going to your local LGBTQ center for a meeting or an event that would open up the opportunity of meeting new people which could lead to you exploring and learning more about the gay lifestyle. Just a suggestion..Good Luck with whatever you decide to.

 

Your age is not the issue, nor is how long you were in the closet or when you came out. Your words above are the reason you not only are still single, but also the reason it is bothering you. If you stay at home you will not meet anyone, unless, of course, the party is at your house. If you desire a relationship, or just companionship, you MUST get out there because that's where they are at.

As for me, I'm at home right now getting ready to head to a local gay bar. It's Friday night, what are you still doing at home?

 

I'm sure being single bothers me, but I'm in the process of accepting that it's probably how it will be. On one hand, I very much enjoy being affectionate and offering myself to another person... or at least the idea of it. On the other hand, I'm very much a loner, and I have a hard time getting interested in going out and meeting people. I used to have more fervor for that, but after some things that happened, well...

 

Yes and no. I kind of enjoy not dealing with the drama of relationships, but there is the loneliness at times. I also don't have a high sex drive and prefer to wait for relationships, but everyone else only wants sex, so that pisses me off and makes me like being single more. What helps is that I have a best friend who is closer to me than any other friend out there despite it not being romantic.

 

I haven't been single for a long time, but I can say my single years were wonderful. Read over this forum and see the number of people who would give their left arm to be twenty and out and single. Don't waste the amazing opportunity you have. Don't get out there and look for a relationship--get out there and have fun!

It will come when you least expect it, but it will also come when you least need it. Build a life, make awesome friends and have amazing adventures and once you have, once there's barely room for a relationship, you'll find him. At least that's how it worked for me. I remember when I first came out I looked for a relationship. And I found one. We were together for about a year, even moved in together. It was all very cordial--we're still friends some twenty-five years later. Friends is what we always should have been. We were so enamored of the idea of being in a relationship that we didn't even notice that we weren't especially enamored of each other. We broke up very civilly--our relationship wasn't really fiery enough to fall apart any other way.

And then my twenties really started and they were amazing. Five or six nights a week of parties and dancing and dinner dates, weekends away and brunch and always my friends... and so many beautiful, charming young men. Looking back I don't quite know how I had the energy for all of it. I mustn't have slept for five years. Every night I went out fully expecting something amazing to happen and more often than not it did! And you know I still look back on that time with fondness.

And it led me to my husband. We've been together for eighteen years. He's the love of my life and I honestly can say I still love him more with each passing day. But, I am still so glad I did the other first. I think a lot of people on here would look at the framework of my story and say OMG it took you five years to find him, how terrible. But it wasn't--it was glorious! So much so that when I met my husband, and I knew what he was almost immediately, I was vaguely disappointed--not in him but in the timing of it all. I had a sort of St. Augustine moment. You know--give me chastity but not yet. I knew almost immediately when I met him that I was moving on to another stage of my life and I was excited but I was also sad to see my single life come to an end. Looking back I wouldn't trade two years with my husband for anything in the world but at the time I thought couldn't I just have a couple more years of this first.

And that's the thing. I know so many people who hunted for love and then stopped and built a life alone instead and then that's when they found love. It makes sense in a way. If an amazing man is going to want to give up part of his amazing life to share your life it only makes sense that your life would have to be pretty amazing already. Get out there have so much fun that you don't need him any more and then he'll show up...

 

Here is the thing. I do believe that love CAN happen when you are least expecting it. Sometimes someone will pop into your life out of nowhere and things will be magical. However, that isn't the most common way for it to happen, and in fact I would say its pretty rare. Sitting around at home on Friday night isn't the way to meet people and nobody is going to pop into your living room (because thats burglary). I also agree that forcing/being to aggressive can come off as desperate and likely won't lead to a promising relationship either.

What you need is a happy medium; a balance of sorts where you go out and expose yourself to some people with similar hobbies, and meet new people in situations that facilitate getting to know each other. Then, through talking and hanging out and dating, you begin to fall in love with them. I think love at first site is infatuation, and the way you really build a good foundation is to get to know everything about someone. That starts usually with meeting them.

So to summarize. I agree with everything you said and you know what you need to do. If you don't like to go out a lot, I think the stigma of online dating is pretty low these days (even though most people won't admit it still) and that may be a good option even to start forcing yourself to get out and go on dates. As long as you don't become desperate and make good decisions online, that might be a more comfortable place to start.

 

It could have been me writing your post Just change the age to 29 and bingo!

I, too, had that harsh realization that just because I'm out doesn't mean I'm going to find the love of my life right away (I remember feeling "Dear god, why not?! It's about time!"). It didn't seem to "get better". If anything, after coming out I'm even more acutely aware of my "single"-ness on a daily basis because your mind consistently hones on to all the gay couples you see and love stories you hear. Dating apps do not make it easy where everyone seems to be having a blast.

Like anything else it takes time to get used to it. It's still not easy as I've been out for only a year and it's hard not to always be "on the lookout for the one". There is indeed truth in the "love will find you when you least expect it" adage in some way because when you ARE expecting it then that anticipation, that waiting, that anxiety is actually going to have an effect on your persona and behaviour which may paradoxically make you LESS likeable. I know, right?

Think about it. Don't people who always seem to be aggressively "looking for a boyfriend" end up coming across as emotionally incomplete? Think about the people we're attracted to usually. They are confident, calm, and kind. No one has a perfect life, that's true. But neediness and desperation are very transparent and can be turn-offs. Unless someone has a deep-seated rescue complex most of us sub-consciously gravitate towards people who seem, on the whole, stable, balanced, content individuals.

You've already gotten a ton of advice and most of it is saying pretty much the same thing - don't close your options, make the effort to meet people (it could be a gay bar, an online dating website, the hiking group, or the LGBT centre on campus), and strive to become as happy in your singledom as you can. By doing this you'd be making it possible for love to find you but you would gradually see that you don't have to chase after it.

And don't worry - you're not alone. All us single gay guys have the "Why am I not in love already" moments. Sometimes multiple times in a day ;-) But you can only do what's within your control - the rest is destiny

 

No because I would rather be alone and happy then be with the wrong person

 

I started getting bothered when I was 18-23. I was a virgin, and a lot of my mates went on dates, changed partners, I saw them make out in front of me, got laid, had children, etc., and I was there single and it left me wondering how it felt to be with someone. Even though I was happy with my social life(party, drinking, excursions with bestmates), there was always some kind of curiousity, so at times it bothered me, yeah.

 

@hushhh until now you never see to urself na you gonna look for someone special?

 

Being single bothers me sometimes. I like not having to answer to anyone else, but I miss having someone to hold and just spend time with.

 

i used to like it but know i really need a company..someone to love!

 

I've always been single, so I'm used to it...and I've accepted the fact that I will be single for whatever time I have left.
I can still daydream about having a boyfriend, but that is all it ever will be though .lol.

I will also say that I'm more than twice your age...and I wasted my youth just basically sitting around the house. I'm old now and the fact I never dated (guy or girl) doesn't bother me, but in a way I kinda regret that I never went out & had any fun or anything when I was young.

All I can say is don't worry so much about finding someone, but do go out and enjoy life while you still young Don't waste your youth!

 

I used to feel the loneliness. I fully understand this because I've been there. Instead of getting depressed, I engaged myself in different activities like learning latin dance, foreign language, and charity works in my spare time. I also travelled and spent a great deal of time with friends. I met the love of my life in a very unexpected way and place. There were ups and downs during the dating and courtship time but in the end, we've realised that we had to work it out instead of calling it quits. I suggest that given your age, do the things that you haven't done but always desire to do it. Learn new things. Enjoy being single because time will come when you are going to say goodbye to it. Stay positive. Stay happy.

 

I met my last boyfriend while volunteering. I facilitated a weekend workshop, and by the end of it I was crazy from trying to discreetly check him out. I went to ask him out, and he already had his phone number written down for me! What followed was a wonderful 2 year dating relationship.

Volunteering allows you to contribute yourself to something you care about, and it also allows others to see...what you care about! When that becomes something you either have in common or that you can build on, you already have a better start to your relationship than the bars.

It's also true that a person tends to attract what's in their mind and heart. If you go into the world feeling needy and sad because you don't have someone, you will surely attract more sadness, or worse yet - someone to make you sad. If you think of yourself as an explorer, going out to find what's good and exciting about your life, you will come across as alive, together, and energetic. Be someone on the move (in your own way), and you will be that dynamic personality that others are attracted to.

Best of luck!

Patrick
Seattle, WA

 

^^^ I can relate to that!

Occasionally it does but I figure the more I worry about it, the less likely I am to meet someone. That being said, I've been single for 8 years. What would I know?! lol

 

I actually never had a realtionship, so I could say I've been single all my life (however, I almost got together with by best friend, because I thought you had to have a boyfriend and I figured I's rather be together with my best friend, than with someone else xD).

So I would like to meet someone, but it doens't have to be now (I have to focus on other things...) ^^
But yeah, sometimes it does bother me. But on the other hand: I can do what I want

 

It's less the being single and more the complete lack of any intimate experience that makes me restless. I'm pretty sure that if I had had some experience of relationships and sex and now was single I would probably be able to enjoy it a bit more. At the moment I just feel like a sibling toddler.