Turmoil over electricity with a guy at work.

Hi All,

For about 6 months now I've been thinking of someone at work and having what I consider to be odd interactions with them. It started with a lot of eye contact, and then for me it developed into a crush. I don't know what to do.

I noticed him early on, and I put him in that "oh, there's an attractive guy at work" category. It became a pleasant moment in my day when we would pass each other in the corridors. We work on completely different teams so we don't interact, and thus, hadn't met. But I can't put into words how ordinary, and yet exquisitely beautiful, he is.

After a few weeks I noticed that any time we were in the same area we would look at each other. Once I was talking with other members of my team in the cafe area and he passed by - he looked at me and our eyes were locked the entire time, our heads turning. This kind of thing continued for some time - we would automatically find each others' eyes when we were in the same area. I also have noticed that his voice changes when I'm around, and that if we're both talking with other people he'll maneuver to be closer to me but not approach me directly.

After a while I found out his name, and I attempted to have a conversation via instant message. I botched this, because I messaged him while he was offline, and he responded while I was in a meeting. I said the conversation could wait, and I haven't contacted him again since. This was about 3 months ago.

Then at about that same time he apparently became uneasy. He began avoiding my eyes, and we even stopped - mid step - in our paths once so as not to come closer than 15 feet of each other! It was actually comical, except for what it indicated. Whereas others have "personal space" of a few feet, our personal space was much more. The hyper-awareness of each other had turned very awkward.

I was off work for a few days, and then by chance we took the same elevator with a few other people. When he realized I was there he became visibly upset, he was fidgeting, and he was looking all around the floor. I took out my phone to look at email so as to give him some space, and very quickly he got out his phone as well. At the end of the ride he nodded in my direction, eyes on the floor, to let me know he would wait for me to leave first.

A few weeks later we had the same elevator again, but this time we were alone. I would not let this be awkward, or at least not silently awkward. I asked him if he had a good weekend, and then I asked his name. He responded briefly but politely. He seemed a bit nervous as he spoke, and I suspect he's shy. It was a perfect small-talk conversation (that's all) but at least we knew each others' names at this point, and we had at least some outward ease.

After this he began to look in my eyes again whenever we met, but I could see that he was slightly startled seeing me. He once immediately looked away, then looked back, with a slight smile. The last two times we passed in the corridor, much to my sadness, he looked away again. The last time he very deliberately turned his head toward a blank wall - rather than look at me. He obviously was putting a great deal of distance between us.

He wears no ring, but from his online presence I think he's married with 2 kids, and 42 years old, one year younger than me. His Facebook profile doesn't list a relationship status.

I have so many questions. For you guys who are closeted and married, what might be going on with him? He is outwardly the most masculine guy there - he's always wearing football jerseys - but for some reason I really, really irritate him. Is he into me, or am I really just creeping him out? Does he seem conflicted? Would he rather I didn't exist at all?

When I see him I freeze up because a bolt of electricity goes through me. I think of him a lot and it breaks my heart that he's so beautiful. I feel as though I need to tell him that he's beautiful - I feel compelled to do this as surely as water flows downhill. I see a beautiful sunset, or a beautiful forest, and it makes me think of him. Of course a lot of things remind me of him, for better or worse.

If I've kicked a hornets' nest in his life, I could literally be the last person he wants to see. That is so hard for me to accept. He's just about kicked a hornets' nest in my life, and I consider myself pretty stable. I try to remember that if he's struggling, it's with self-acceptance or being in the closet, not that he's angry with me per se. Still, it's no comfort.

Am I seeing a closeted guy who can't stand what he's feeling, or have I simply pissed off a straight guy? Is there an alternate reason for the early eye contact, proximity, and sensitivity?

More broadly, how do you ignore your heart when it so strongly wants you to do the wrong thing? How do you move on and accept that this wonderful feeling is just not meant to find expression? How do you find this spark with someone else who's available? I haven't felt a spark like this in so long.

Should I end this by telling him how I feel? Is there any future at all in this, or am I simply deluded?

Sorry for the long post. If you haven't inferred it by now, this situation has brought me right back to junior high emotionally. My life as a 43 year-old man is perfectly fine and normal, despite this odd distraction. It's hard to describe how I feel, but anyone with a crush can relate, especially if the crush is closeted. I would love any insight, support, or advice you may have.

Thanks,

Patrick

 

Thanks faustian1,

I've already modified my routine so that we don't see each other in the halls, and I don't smile or try to initiate anything if we do meet. It seems I'm giving him as much space as I can while still needing enough space to work there myself.

I do think that he's closeted, and that explains some of the earlier behavior. It would also explain the uneasiness later on. Whatever it is I think there's more going on than the standard kind of Seattle standoffishness.

I need to let this go and examine myself. There is some void in myself that I'm seeing reflected in him, and that's the difficulty I'm having. This needs to be a productive experience for me in some way. Any advice for letting it go? Any lessons learned from your experience?

Thanks,

Patrick

 

Thanks Imgay47,

Actually, if he were to come out to me or acknowledge something, I would hopefully refer him here or offer to be supportive. I don't want to be anyone's dirty little secret or second choice. Unless he were separated or divorced I would not be interested in more. Or at least I tell myself that now.

I'm trying not to second-guess coming out. I was so certain it was the right thing to do back then 20 years ago, but it's been difficult at times and lonely too. Sometimes I wonder if having kids would take that loneliness away. On the other hand, I was so certain I was gay there was no way of justifying a marriage unless I would be willing to lie completely. I don't think I would see my kids quite the same knowing that they were part of a closet door or a bargain with myself. I know what it's like when there's a cloud hanging over a family, and kids can definitely sense it.

I'll forget this crush in time. The real "hornets' nest" for me is this self-doubt, and the realization that I'm trying to fill a void with the wrong thing. After all this time, I'm still not sure if I have figured out being gay. After all, assuming I had figured it out, why would I still be lonely? I have a great circle of friends but I'm missing a basic level of self-acceptance that's preventing me from seeing potential romantic partners. Instead, I fixate on things that are impossible or very bad for me, such as this guy.

Did you have struggles with envy for the other side of the closet door, and have you ever regretted coming out? Do you think you've figured out how to be gay? Have you fully accepted yourself? How do you integrate being gay with your life so that it just "is" without needing to overwhelm every decision you make?

It's really helping me to get this off my chest. Thank you!

Thanks,

Patrick
Seattle, WA