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Has this ever happened to you with a friend...(advice needed).

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by pstar, Oct 26, 2016.

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  1. pstar

    pstar
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    So there's this really good friend of mine, well at least I thought we were good friends, who I need some advice on. We've been friends for a while, and I've always kinda had a crush on him and always thought that he liked me, although he has never come out as gay. However, he has suggested to me, and I just get that feeling, that he is into other men, but that's not really the important part. I began to realize that, although we were very close friends, he began to ignore me when we were around our guy friends. It wasn't like obvious behavior, but I noticed how he wouldn't talk to me when certain people were around and acted as if I we didn't know each other as well as we did, or had any of the intimate experiences that we did (cuddling, skinny dipping, foot rubs, etc). Alone he would act normal, but otherwise as if we were not friends. This pissed me off, but it took me quite a while to realize I didn't want to have a friend who was fake all the time. Eventually I started to ignore him right back, but in a slightly more bitchy way. Then, one night at a party we had a huge argument. Everyone heard and was so worried because we were such good friends. He claimed that I was a bad friend and was ignoring him, didn't care about him anymore etc. I said, "I'm only ignoring you because you're ignoring me" and then the truth came out. He said, "The reason I've been acting this way is because people think we're a couple". I asked him why that mattered, because, although I thought he wasn't straight, I knew that this had never bothered any of my other straight friends. And he said that he just couldn't have people thinking that. We made up, argued once more, and made up again, but he is still doing the same behavior. I've been told to stop being friends with him and I've been told to stay because he may be on the verge of coming out. We are really good friends and I want to always be there for him, but I feel like he doesn't care. It's becoming, and has been, a very unhealthy time for me. I want to know what you guys think, whether you've been on either side the friend being ghosted or the friend ghosting because they don't want people to think they're gay.
     
    #1 pstar, Oct 26, 2016
  2. Lora

    Lora
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    Give him some time. This is defense mechanism kicking in. I understand that this is difficult for you. Talk to him calmly and tell him that you're giving him some space and time off and that he can come back when he's in his right sense. LOL. Kidding aside, let him be what he is right now. Just assure him that you'll be there for him when he's ready. Be patient and just let his behaviour slide without taking it too personal. Spend time with your other friends.
     
    #2 Lora, Oct 26, 2016
  3. Jax12

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    It's interesting how he doesn't view this as "best friends". Many people have that one best friend in particular whom they are very close with. You guys could very well be in that same position.

    Whether he's actually gay or not, it certainly sounds like he's dealing some internal issues about same sex attraction. I can relate, though. I think he's concerned about people labelling him as gay.

    Try your best to talk to him as a friend, but if it stresses you out too much, it's time for you to leave him to his problems. Have you asked him what's wrong with same sex couples?

    Anyone who I've been friends for a while I rarely let go due to an argument. If it gets toxic then they aren't my friend anymore, but if it's an argument between friends, I would stick by them. I would suggest you to do the same.
     
    #3 Jax12, Oct 26, 2016
  4. faustian1

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    pstar, I like the advice you've received here already quite a lot. I think it's important that you remain open, but you should (as you've tried to do) set some boundaries. You should let him know that friends should consider what others think second, instead of first.

    For this purpose I am assuming that you are a young person. At my age (think geezer), I wouldn't advise quite as much accommodation, although it would depend on the circumstances (empathy?). He does deserve some forgiveness at his point in life for struggling with his own self-image.

    I think the key thing is patience....patience, while maintaining your own self respect.
     
    #4 faustian1, Oct 26, 2016
  5. pstar

    pstar
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    Hey,

    So, his deal is that his uncle came out in the 90's and his dad did not take it well at all. Also, his family is religious, even though that shouldn't matter because I am too. Until this past summer he thought being gay was still a sin, even though he'd been friends with me for a while. However, I've talked with him and he even said that he would be with a guy drunk and thought some men were attractive. I've really been able to help him grow because we are so similar, but I am out. I explained to him that God loves everyone. However, since we've gone back to school this fall he's changed into someone I don't recognize. It's an obvious over compinsation for what people think. I'm having a hard time not being mad at him.

    ---------- Post added 26th Oct 2016 at 04:03 PM ----------

    I'm doing my best to give him space. I'm just so mad at him. I don't know how to keep being there and give him space.
     
    #5 pstar, Oct 26, 2016
  6. faustian1

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    OK, I understand your dilemma a little better. Any chance to take a longer-term view? Some of those delusional head trips that many of us go through usually can't be rushed. Maybe you define a careful limit to what "being there" means, to protect yourself, and just wait. Just imagine the kind of turmoil that he might be going through.

    It's a sad loss, when such things derail otherwise pleasant friendships. The connection need not be totally lost, however.
     
    #6 faustian1, Oct 26, 2016
  7. JonSomebody

    JonSomebody
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    In my opinion...I tend to agree with a lot that the other responses that you have been given. I definitely think that he does really likes you but due to his background with his family as well as what he has witnessed with his uncle, he's not only afraid but sounds as if he is struggling with his internal feelings also. If I was in your position and he had revealed to me what he did to you while in the midst of your argument. I would tell him that I am giving him space to deal with whatever he is going through and if he needs some support or someone to talk to...just know that I am always there for you and leave it like that. Otherwise, by you keep approaching him and giving your perspective or better yet point of views...I do feel that you are pulling him away from you as opposed to bringing him closer to you. Its just too much for him to handle right now with all of the other issues with this situation that he is dealing with. Also, you can't be mad at him for reacting the way he is considering what he has shared with you already. Furthermore, there are guys out there in the world who is struggling with their feelings when it comes to having them for guys knowing from what disapproval their family have about the gay lifestyle and where his embarrassment has originated from since h is still in the closet. Just my two cents on the matter. Good Luck!!!
     
    #7 JonSomebody, Oct 26, 2016
  8. pstar

    pstar
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    So kind of an update...Last Thursday I had a Halloween party and got way too drunk and he showed up. I started getting really upset, but was way to drunk to be able say anything or do anything, so 5 of my friends asked him to leave. I really didn't want him there deep down, but wasn't going to make a big deal out of nothing, also I was throwing up so I really did care about any of that at the moment. So of course the next day or so he was really pissed at me. So I went and talked to him about it and said that I never told anyone to kick you out, just that I was really upset about our friendship and they thought its was a good idea for you to go. And he says "Stop making us together" meaning that I guess I make it sound like we we're a couple. And then accused me of telling people we hooked up. Saying that 3 different people told him, even though I have never said that before. I've told some people that I liked him, but never said we had done anything together. I guess it's just over and I'm going to move on.
     
    #8 pstar, Oct 30, 2016
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