Should I be mad at this guy? Feeling shit

WhiteShadows,

It sounds like you're in a stage of coming out where you need to figure out what being gay means to you, and how you want to express being gay.

To me there is a huge difference between sexual experimentation and looking for a relationship. You may be confused whether you want to experiment, or have a relationship with this guy. If it's just experimentation, you can probably let him fool around with anyone he wants and not be hurt by it. But if you feel drawn to him emotionally and if you would like to have an exclusive relationship with him, that's a very different kind of desire.

I would suggest that you determine what you want, and let him know. I also think there's no reason to be upset with him, given that you haven't communicated yet. However, it does sound like he likes to get around and I would consider whether or not he is capable of a relationship in the way you might want.

Patrick

 

Hey WhiteShadows,

I think you laid out your own argument in your post answering your title question.

There is definitely a side of the gay community that is much as you describe as is disturbing. There are a lot of younger guys that primarily just want to party and have sex, but aren’t prepared to enter into real or serious relationships.

You sound like a nice, level-headed young man and you seem to know what you want in a relationship. You might want to consider letting your conscience/gut feelings guide you.

This shouldn’t surprise you since he said up-front that he was in an open relationship – and it’s not with you.

What does this describe to you? How does he actually think of you if he treats you this way? Could you just be a trophy FWB to him?

He may be a charismatic person and really cute, as you describe him, but a “nice” person? Actions speak louder than words. Are his actions consistent with how you identify a “nice” person? A person that you want to be in a relationship with?

I would argue that you are not being critical enough. If his values do not reflect your own, is he someone that you want to be intimate with? If you are fine with him sleeping around and knowing that he isn’t actually committed to you, then that’s your choice. I’m not passing judgment here, I’m just asking questions and trying to use your own words to show you that you seem to have a decision about how to feel about this already in your mind.

And I agree with Patrick7269 that this is more about you figuring out what you want for yourself and not really being mad at him. Just understand him for who he is and figure out if he is really the type of person that you want to be with or maybe just hang out with or maybe even not really be around.

I hope that helps a little.

 

In all honesty...the only thing you can do at this point is to move on. In a way you kind of have no one to really blame for the situation you're in but yourself. From what I've understood from reading your post and please correct me if I'm wrong but you did mentioned that you found out that he got a boyfriend during the time he was flirting with you. To me..that was your first sign to back away from this situation. Unfortunately, again from what I've read...you took things further by opening yourself up to mess around with him despite the red flags that was presented to you. The fact that you've got intimate with him on one occasion and then you mentioned how bad you felt afterwards but turn around and did it again where you even took it to another level so to speak. All in all...what I gathered from your story is that you really liked this guy a lot and I would even go so far as to assume that although you knew he chose to get involved with someone while being very flirty with you...you chose to push this aside and kept yourself open for more of his charming ways in hopes that things would developed or better yet..that he would eventually begin to develop feelings for you as you have for him...but at the end of the day...that did not happen. Unfortunately, this guy may be a nice person but as you have mentioned..he is very promiscuous to say the least. To make matters worst...it appears that he is now taking advantage of you.

In my opinion...you deserve better than what is given to you by this guy because I can tell you right now that you will never have him the way you would like to and from what you are saying in your post which puts me in mind of an old Aretha Franklin hit song that mentions ..."I'm just a link to your chain...". Dude...don't play yourself cheap like this...he is not worth it. Another thing...if he is such a nice guy...he would not straddle you along in the manner that he is doing right now. However, I can't really put a lot of blame on him because he is putting everything basically out in the open but you seem to be ignoring the signs so to speak. Just read my response and think about what I am trying to tell you. Hopefully, you can understand where I am coming from and trying to convey to you. Good Luck!!!!!

 

Hi WhiteShadows,

Sorry to hear about the trouble you having. It seems to me that you have strong feelings for him, you don't just see him as someone to experiment without any emotional attachment. If that is the case then I think some distance will be good but you are right that you need to speak to him. If he cannot commit to one person - and it seems that he cannot at this stage in his life - then you will not be able to be happy with him on an emotional level if you want exclusivity from him.

While you could easily be friends it doesn't sound like anything more than that is feasible given his behaviour. Like Quantumreality said, this is not a judgemental statement - rather the point is that you and he seem to expect completely different things from your relationships (that is you expect commitment and exclusivity, he doesn't). I think that if you decide to explore things further with him then you will need to clearly communicate what you would want from him and see if he is prepared to provide that.

Just a thought, hope it helps. I think you are right to give yourself some space and I hope you work things out

P.S. I don't think you are to blame for your emotions, we cannot control to whom we are attracted - we can only control how we respond to that emotional impulse.

 

It's totally your choice, WhiteShadows, whether or not to give him some space. But I would suggest that you do what is best for you and not worry about him too much right now. If you still want to be friends - and ONLY friends - with him, then you need to distance yourself emotionally from him. That will normally take time and space. It's great that you want to be there for him, but first and foremost you have to look after yourself or you could potentially be dragged into situations that will once again make you uncomfortable and frustrated.

Just some thoughts.

Best of luck!