Hi, I'm new here but I have heard of this website and so I thought I could post my story here. It's very painful to me but I think it will hurt less if I speak out, at least anonymously. So Im just gonna give a general background info about me before proceeding to the story. It gonna be kinda disorganized XD. I always knew I felt something for guys but like I never fell in love, I could find someone attractive but I found myself impossible to like them like in a relationship untill now. I used to act very affeminate when I was way younger, but now I'm like sort of straight acting guy, sort of muscular but more chubby I guess. I have never had a girlfirend, I dont even know why since I dont think of myself as being hiddeous but the opposite...not THAT handsome but Im tall I have a bit of muscle,and I have a sort of goodlooking face? hazle eyes, etc I dont know why I dont seem to attract girls, not even guys?? I dont undertand but oh well. I guess my personality throw off ppl since Im kinda quiteand shy? Anyway, this is the story. Back when I was in highschool, I meet this guy and we had only 1 class in common, we never spoke that year, we were just classmates, but never said a word. We became real close friends the following year, since we shared 2 classes at that time, I was new at the school since I came from another country, and he basically became my only friend close friend at the time. If you look at him you would never think of him doing anything gay, since he seems to be always staring girls butts, he even has straight porn in his phone (info i know from other close friends of him, and a bit of myself)hes a fan of sport, etc, hes like me tall muscular, tanned skin (except im sort of pale XD), soft hair, like straight acting. We shared a lot in common, or so I thought because now im not so sure. Things started to get confused to me when he started being flirty. Deep down when I met him I fantasized with him being something more than friends, I could even picture making out, but I would have never acted on it because I thought he wasnt gay or bi, and I sort of felt wrong for no reason. The first sign I got from him was in the math class, we sat in seats that were 2 rows apart and I caught him staring at me for like 30 sec when I suddenly returned the look and he suddenly turned his look away. That same day we exchanged #s and texted for like 5 hours till like very late and talked about life and all this philosophical stuff and how ppl are not what they appear, and critizing teachers and mates, etc, I felt truly connected to him because it felt like the only person that truly understood me, we shared the same thoughts. After that we started doing a physics project together and he would always isolate himself from ppl, (i kinda do but hes more extreme, he seemed very lonely to me most of the time, despite having some fake freinds around), and I went towards him and asked him if hes okay and he said yes and winked at me, and I told him we can work just the 2 of us if he doesnt like the other classmates, he agreed. After that I heard from my English teacher, who teased me a lot in his class, that "Gareth" said I was his fav international student and friend in his class. Curious thing is that he would only talk to me in class and in texts but when he was with his buds, he ignored me completely even tho we sat in the same table with the same circle of friends at lunch. One time while playing videogames in steam, he said thro his mic I was very goodlooking, better than "Grethel" (a beautiful girl at school who is kinda like a bit***) and that I have a better personality, at first I didnt understand what that meant, and I was silent, but after 6 sec he said he was jk. Anyways, i this point I was already having feelings, but never said a thing. And then something happend. We stood at a friends house for a sleepover with pizza videogames chittchat etc. When it was time to sleep, my friend asked me where did I want to sleep, and "Gareth" said that I was gonna sleep next to him in the L shaped sofa, and so I did of course. I tried to talk to him, i told my story of how im a child of divorsed parents, etc but he never oppened to me so I told him that I dont want to pressure him and that Ill always be there for him if he ever wants to share or needs help (i kinda knew his story anyways, but it would have been nice to hear it from himself) we added each other in fb and then I said GoodNight, he didnt :bang:. 30 mins passed and i was about to passout, i had my eyes closed, so I guess Gareth thought I was asleep and he (i dont know how he managed to not make noise or move the couch) kissed my right cheek. It was sort of sudden, but I felt like if that kiss had some sentimental meaning behind it, I mean why would a guys kiss another one while asleep?, my heart went so fast that I almost litterally have a heart attack. And so I pretended to move my hand like asleep close to him and he hugged it. I slowly moved toward him and put my head in his belly and he rubbed my face, I guess he thought I was asleep the whole time and that I moved unintentionally, but I did it to kinda test him. At that point I thought we felt the same towards each other, so I asked him out to the movies and he said yes, but turned me down hours before the date. I kept insisting in going out but he would make an excuse everytime, not very convincent ones, but I was like "okay". I was feling kinda bad cuz it seemed like I was being needy and desperate, and i didnt want to give him that impression (which was tru). Afterwards he said very flirty things to me, even when I went on vacation away for a month and we would play chess online every time, and type winky faces in chat and he would ask me when would I get back (we barely hanged out so I always wondered why would he ask me that if he wasnt in love). Well, we started going to college together when I came back, the same school. I would share my food with him and he would do it with me at the cafeteria, a thing I know he has never done for anyone (he had never had gf ,like me. he would send me sexual and flirty memes with winky faces but I would reply with lol or lmao, he would do the same when I started sending memes. We almost holded hands like, everytime we walked our hands would slitghly touch like wanted to grab each other. One time we were talking about how he has bigger hands than me , cuz i play tennis and he plays football (he was saying tennis is for gays and is not a real sport XD), and he said he would like to compare, so he put his hands open in the air and I put mine in return (like in the Tarzan movie) but I quickly put it back because it was in public and i kinda felt embarrased. At that point I was planning on letting him know I loved him, so I looked for love memes and love stuff like I LOVE U memes etc, and downloaded it and put it in my phone, so the next day (his bday) i intentionally left my phone unlocked, with the screen clean (no finrgerprints) and went to the restroom so he could look thru it, and he did. when I got back he smiled a lot, so I thought he was in love too, i even gave him money for his bday so he could do whatever. 3 days after I messaged him thru the chess game that I loved him and he said he was not gay and that he never kissed me and that I needed to lose any notion of being something more than friends that he was "a strickly lady's man":tears::tears::tears::icon_sad::help::eusa_liar. He clearly lied to me, because I know what I felt and saw, and he still denied it, which devastated me, it depressed me so much that even my grades for my second midterms went down, like I passed with Bs + and a C+, when I have always got As. Curious thing tho, we never spoke after that, but we remainded friends in social media, i told him I wanted to be friends, he said yes but never talked. 3 weeks after my confesion I started making friends because i was feeling like crap and I decided I needed ppl to talk, and I became friends with this guy in my english class, and we went to the cafeteria to get breakfast and I think Gareth saw me with him (im not inlove with this new guy, hes just a friend, for a group project), afterwards he posted in snapchat "When you dead inside so you game all day" and then posted a song called Over and Over by Nelly, which kinda related to the situation (i think he felt jaelous, but why if he said he didnt love me?). I made the mistake of taking a screenshot of his snap so he unfollowed me, ut didnt unfriend me. I was upset, sad, depressed so I deleted everything that was connected to him, mementos, social media, teh chess game, everything literally, so I could forget about him. I dedicated so much time to him to get nothing in return, I even missed the opportinity to join tennis team and get an on campus job in order to spend more time with him since I had a much flexible schedule and I could be with him in his hours in between classes so he wouldnt be alone. I would like some advice on how to deal with this because Im going insanely mad, like I cant forget him, I lock myself in the bath just to cry for hours. I have recently been able to stop crying but from time to time I get depresses its like evrything around triggers me and remember me of him. Honestly I misss talking to him, and being his bud, but I guess we had nothing in common? Im so confused. I cant even focus on other ppl, and I dont even find myself liking anyone else, neither girl or guys its like I wake up this day and I like this and I wake up the other one and I like this other thing. This is chaotic. Any advices plz???
First off, I'm sorry to hear how shitty things turned out to be When you've developed such strong feelings for someone and you wind up with nothing in the end it's a really tough thing to deal with and it's natural to miss that person. You're off to a good start by getting rid of anything associated with him bur the truth of the matter is time is the only thing that will help you truly get over him. I don't know if you've tried it, but back when I went through some similar stuff and my own issues something I turned to was keeping a journal. at first it didn't do shit for me but after a while getting everything out of my system and onto paper helped to lessen my troubles. Trying to socialize with other people (I know it seems hard, trust me I've been there before) is another step that you eventually will have to take. Isolating yourself leaves you to dwell on your feelings and can make it all the harder to overcome them. It's going to take some time, but once you work your way back up to being social with other people it'll put you in a better state of mind. I'm not saying you have to strike up a conversation with everyone you meet, but start small with maybe a friend or classmate and as you feel more comfortable, start socializing for longer periods of time/with more people. Hope some of what I said might help you out. Either way, good luck and please update with your progress
Thank you so much for understanding and for your advise. Im sorry you got to hear the whole corny thing, it was very disorganized but I hope you understand I was feeling aweful at the time when I wrote it. Im currently feeling a bit better since I posted this, and I told a very close friend of mine (who is a friend of him too, but me and him are closer, and I know he wont tell him) what happend, hes very liberal so he perfectly understood. It felt good lettting it out. I tried to do what you told me 'bout writting, and surprisngly it works, just that I had to flush what I wrote down the toilette since I have a very invasive sibling who likes to go thru other ppls stuff n_n. Im trying to put myself out there to meet ppl but its so hard, I try so hard but its like ppl dont take interst in my despite my best efforts, I guess im not intersting/attractive enough? :/. The bad thing about this tho is that the guy I grieve for and me go the same college, and I had the misfortune to see him today going thru the hallway on his way to class (he didnt see me); I could not help feeling like crap, and mad at him. I know by the end of the year he might be transfering to a business school, a thing he told me before the drama happend, but how many month will I have to endure l his prescence at school? Its just bad, it hurts. The friend I told the story (who has known this guy for 3 years or more) told me that he probably did feel something for me, it kinda really made me feel good because at least I know all this ddnt just happend in my head, because ths way he so codly denied about the kiss almost convinced me that it was just my imagination. But in all honesty, with all the details Ihave given in my story do you think so? And why would he just make me feels special to end up turning me down like this? Is he struggling with his sexualty? I dont want to fall into the blaming game since we are both equally guilty (me for not confronting him soon enough and allowing that kiss to happend, amd him for seducing me and kissing me), but he now made me go into an area of my sexuality that i think has no return. Before I was able to control myself, to not find guy attractive the whole time, and focus more on girls, but now im just so desperate that I feel like welcoming the first one to come.to my life, either guy or girl. I feel sort of confortable with my sexuality, but sometimes I wake up and I kinda just feel for guys, and then the next its just girls, at least I'm sure I kinda fall in love for personality than just gender (although, I dont feel attraction for trans or effeminate guys, no offence, its weird from my own saying that I know). Anyway, I felt like he was the one that I wont be able to find another person like him :tears::tears:. But I'm trying to move on. I have no mementos of him whatsoever (a pic he took of me with his phone and mine at the same time which is now gone, sometimes I wonder.if he still has it), we are not even friends in social media cuz I deleted him, but it feels so bad not looking back to see if thing could have ever turned out any differeng:tears::tears:. I even apologized to him (for no reason at all, and if there anyone who owns me one, in my oppinion is him, but these are the kind of thing we do when u fall in love, you get rid of any pride you have left just for the other person) with no results. I guess I'll just allow time to do its magic, although im not a bery patient person, but what choice I have left anyways. Thank you again for listening to me, it feels nice having ppl to talk bout this.
First off, glad to hear that you're feeling a little bit better I get that running into him brought about some negative emotions in you, try not to let such things discourage you and make you feel like you're not making progress emotionally. Given that such an occurrence is out of your control from a realistic standpoint, maybe just walk a different way to class until you feel like seeing him won't trigger as strong a response???? The best you can do is that, should this happen again, try to keep your feelings from seeping out and ignore him. The issue regarding his sexuality is a huge grey area, he clearly has some sort of issues of his own to be so adamantly in denial about something that happened, but the best thing for you to do (again, easier said than done ) is to keep it out of your mind and just focus on getting back to a better emotional state of mind. As for the stuff about your attractions, it could be that these events stirred up some aspects of your attraction/sexuality that you were just never aware of before. It's clear you're dealing with quite a bit emotionally though, so I'd recommend just trying to get over your situation at hand involving this guy and then address your attraction/sexuality thing when you're in a better state of mind. I know it's pretty shitty what you have to deal with and I know what it's like having no patience at all, but in situations like this time really is your best friend. On another note, glad my journaling suggestion helped Feel better soon and don't hesitate to post again for updates or if you just need to vent (*hug*)
I wish you the best in overcoming this. Take an afternoon off and read through the previous posts on this site. It is amazingly filled with tons of advice from what appear to be some really good people. I read 57 pages worth of threads before I even posted my first one. I learned a lot and it really opened my eyes. You are not alone in what you're going through now or in what you're going through discovering yourself. As a cop, I've always told people sometimes it's easier to talk to someone you don't see all the time...then people open up to me. It's kind of the same thing here. You WILL get past this. The pain WILL die down. You never truly forget but it does get easier!
Thank you both for listening and for your support. It's going slow but I'm doing everything withing realism to move on. I actually started to do some excercise and I have been feeling better (curious thing I have always hated excercise n_n). I started going to my university's gym to take care of my body because I have been overeating too much and honestly I also want to meet new ppl so I thought what better place than a gym. Its a bit cruel the fact that I might not be able to forget this entirely, it makes me even sad that there is not possibility to even remain friends or fix this with him at all, I guess I'll pretend he never existed. Its just so sad that a person I used to be so font off and talk so much wont be part of my life anymore, its like he died and I know you cant bring back dead to life (if that makes any sence). I from time to time wonder If in a future, things will ever be normal. I guess this are the kind of thoughts that are toxic to me, but I cant help it. On the plus side at least my midterms are going up! I got a 46 out of 50 in my psychology test, so I guess this is a start. I might have some question regarding sexuality if that isnt too much to ask for later, right now I want to focus in overcomming this. Thank you so much n_n
Congrats on your psychology test! Exercising is a great outlet, makes your body release endorphins (fancy word for brain chemicals that make you feel good). And like you said, it gives you the chance to meet some new people. I'm happy to see you're willing to try and socialize with some new people. It's okay to feel that you won't be able to forget things. You never really forget some of the shit people have done to you, you just learn to deal with it and get to the point where it doesn't really bother you all that much. Just keep doing what you're doing
Hi killswith0029. First of all thank you for asking. Its not going great. There are days that I wake up and my self-steem is on point and I feel confident that I can find someone good but most of the time I'm just a cadaver. I saw him today again despite avoiding him, after all we have class in the same building, I just pretended I didnt see him. But it hurts knowing hes avoiding me as well, and Im afraid that he meant a permanent end to us in every aspect for good with his attitude. It seems like he doesnt care or doesnt hurt him? Its sad I feel for such a heartless person...its just lame that this is all I can think of. As you know I have been going to tje gym everyday since my last update but I havent met anyone, and it makes me sad. Im struggling internally too, because its just weird how somedays I comfortable with myself being gay/bi, but some days it feels aweful. I just dont want to carry this negative stigma of being gay and stuff with me. And when I see someone I like I cant help wondering if ill end up falling then for the other gender, and viceversa, like if it was not going to be stable. It scares me...like I feel im not going to be able to have a normal life, or kids in a future, like if Im not destinated to be happy or with someone. I just really want to be with someone i like and love in the same way I did with that guy, bcuz I have never been in a relationship. But I know its hard meeting and dating other ppl like me who are...well in the closet. I really dont want to come out, it doesnt feel like and option, although sometimes I whish I could be me but there is again this bad thing about being gsy/bi/trsns etc, its disencouraging. To make things worst I'm having family issues. My mom gets angry at me for playing too much videogames (i play videogames to relax and forget all this crap) and not getting job. I just need my time Im overwhelmed with all of this, Im sinking in depression. We had a major argument and she said things I whish I had not heard that made me feel bad, before I would hsve not care but lately I hsve been too sensible and I cant tske insults as I used too. Shes being so uncomprehensive but I cant blame her since she doesnt know. She took wifi off so now I cant do homework and I got a 0 in one assignment and that reslly upset me. Theres is more going on with fsmily but it would take forever to write.I keep getting crap from everyone in my surroundings, or is it just me that im a stuck up person? Just when I,thought i was finally starting to move on I get more sh*t again (sorry for the word). Im just in my last straw. I really whish I could pass away while sleeping. ---------- Post added 11th Nov 2016 at 11:33 PM ---------- I saw you message on my wall but I couldnt respond there cause I dont have enough privileges as a member to post there because I need to post more in the forum. Thats how come I made an update now. Thank you n_n ---------- Post added 11th Nov 2016 at 11:36 PM ---------- I saw you message in my wall but since I dont have enough privileges I cant respond there. So I made this update. Thank you for your concerns n_n ---------- Post added 11th Nov 2016 at 11:38 PM ---------- Im sorry for the repeated message, im doing this thru my phone
Hey brok3n, sorry for not responding sooner. I've been a little flaky keeping up to date with EC lately. I get a lot of what you're going through. While my experience isn't exactly the same as yours, I know what it's like to have all of that emotional baggage weighing you down. Having to see him is going to make it harder to heal, but I remember you mentioned he's transferring to another school, so keep in mind this dilemma of trying to avoid him won't be an issue forever. I know what it's like to have that clinging hope that things can go back to before even if that person did some fucked up shit to you (love is totally irrational in that way) but you need to do what's right for you at the end of the day, which is to get better and do your best to move on. It's a sloooooow process. Congrats on spending time at the gym, working out helps your body pump out endorphins (aka. the feel-good chemicals) but don't feel discouraged if you haven't met anyone yet. To delve a bit into my own past, when my first serious gf dumped me (back before my sexuality was questioned) I tried to focus on meeting other girls, which failed miserably. Think of it this way: you're walking down the street, fall, and gash open your shoulder. It's a deep cut and instead of going to the doctor to stitch it up, you just slap a band-aid on and go about your day. To relate that to the topic at hand, trying to find someone is like the band-aid; it's a quick fix that's not going to address the issues in the proper way. I know what it's like to emotionally feel lonely, but you have to fix your emotions and be able to be content before you can focus on another person. As for your sexuality, like I said before, deal with getting over this guy trouble first, deal with your sexuality after. Going back to what I said before, now isn't a time to try and find someone to fill that void, you gotta do you first and get to a better place emotionally. After that, you can put time into looking at your sexuality, you'll be in a clearer state of mind. As for the family issues, I don't really know much just off what you posted and I don't really know how your family members are as people (don't feel pressured to post more if you don't feel comfortable). all I can really say is try to coexist. Be able to walk by them in the house, maybe do a chore or two once a day, speak to them once or twice a day, small stuff. I know that seems very unlikely (I butted heads with my parents constantly back during my depressive bouts and shit got really ugly) but do know that once you begin to feel a bit better about yourself, your relationship with your family will have room to get better. I hope I've given you some stuff to think about. I know some of it may not seem like good advice given the place your in right now (trust me bro, I was there once and it's downright shitty) but I do want you to know that it will get better. Please try to update and I'll do my best to try and give you some support (*hug*)
