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Thinking about ending it

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by HunterRaven, Oct 31, 2016.

  1. HunterRaven

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    Hi guys, I'm going through a pretty confusing set of emotions at the moment. I've been dating a guy for the past seven months, and it's been great, he's lovely but I've been having some second thoughts about continuing our relationship. I feel, and have for a little while now felt, that his feelings for me are much stronger than mine are for him. I enjoy spending time with him, and I care about him a lot, and I know that usually in a relationship one partner is bound to have stronger feelings than the other at some point but this feels different. He's very attached, has told me I'm perfect, he even called me the love of his life a week or two back, and that he'd feel broken if I left him.

    That scares me. I'm not at that level. Right now, I am no where near it, and I worry that my feelings won't grow to match the intensity of his. He's trans and gay, and I think that I'm the first relationship he's had since he came to terms with both his sexuality and his gender identity, which I fear may have been one reason he's attached himself to me so firmly and quickly. I don't want to waste his time, I know that if my feelings don't develop then I will only end up hurting him more later down the line. I just don't know whether I should wait a bit and see how I feel or if I should pull the plug now.

    Things are further complicated by the fact that we're both in our first year at college, and a lot of our social circle know us as a couple. If I do choose to break up, I know I'll feel massively guilty and it will be difficult to both avoid him, and to avoid the potential judgements of our friends. I just don't want to end up stringing him along for the sake of not hurting him, because ultimately I know it's selfish of me not to allow him to move on and thus find someone who feels the same way he does.

    I'd be grateful for any advice, and thank you all in advance.
     
  2. Spartan 117

    Admin Team Full Member

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    Hmm, I'm sorry that you're going through this. It's a tough situation to be in. It's also a hard one to advise on, because you know your own feelings better than any of us can. I've been in a situation similar to yours, and I thought that given time my feelings would become stronger - but they never really did. It reached the point that it became obvious, and my partner used to regularly say things like "you don't like me as much as I like you, do you?" and it made me feel very guilty.

    I wouldn't worry about your social circle too much - people do adjust to the new situation, even if it is a little weird at first. Just because you've split up doesn't necessarily mean you have to avoid him, just be willing to give each other space when needs be.

    Only you can say, from your past experience, if this is a bump in the road or if you're mismatched. One solution - even if it's a terrifying one, is to have an open and honest conversation with him about your concerns. It may be upsetting, but it may also help make up your mind.

    Go with your heart, and if you think it's worth some extra time to see if things change, that's fine. But please don't stay in a relationship for the sake of someone else. Yes, it's not fair on him - but it's also not fair on you! You both deserve to be in a relationship with equal respect and love. (*hug*)
     
  3. SkyWinter

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    I think you've got it right that there is some association between coming out and falling for you. It sounds similar to a patient falling for their therapist because they have divulged all of this personal stuff that no one had ever heard before.

    I think that is how you need to approach it. That these feelings they have for you are not quite what they think they are, and that you don't share them. That won't be easy for either of you in the short run, but long term it will be better for both of you.
     
  4. HunterRaven

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    Thank you both for your advice. I think I feel that I do need to end it but it's been difficult to find the time and space to talk to him about it. I keep guilting myself about how much it will hurt him. The other day he was complaining about he wished he could go one day without seeing one of his exes around the college, which made me cringe internally, thinking about how I'm feeling and then today he dropped a suggestion of what he'd like for Christmas. It would probably be easier if I had the conversation with him on the phone or via messaging but that feels insensitive. I'm trying to get over myself, and just get on with it, but it's been difficult :frowning2: