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Friendship concerns, guilt, and love confessions.

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Canterpiece, Nov 5, 2016.

  1. Canterpiece

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    So, I have this friend (let’s call him Zac) and well… I should probably explain the situation. Now Zac and I haven’t been friends for that long, only a few months actually. However, despite this I know him quite well and we tend to share quite personal concerns with each other.

    I came out to him about a month or so ago. I was telling him about another friend of mine (let’s call them Toby) and when he jokingly asked if I was into Toby, I replied with “funny thing is, we’re both gay lol” (Toby and I that is).

    Zac replied with something like “ha ha, well I guess that ruins my chances with you then, I’ll try not to sound too broken hearted about it” I thought he was joking and just trying to create some friendly banter at the time, but due to recent developments- it turns out I was wrong.

    A few days after I had come out to him, Zac asked me if I was gay or bisexual. I thought this was a bit odd considering I’d previously said that I was gay. So, I told him again that I considered myself to be gay. He came out with the typical “but if you’ve never been with a guy properly, how do you know?”, but he soon shut up when I replied with “if you’ve never been with a guy, how do you know you’re straight?”. So, he dropped the topic fairly quickly after that.

    Over various conversations, he kept telling me that he thought that I was bi and that I didn’t act gay. I passed this off as just ignorance, but he kept saying some well.... iffy things. It was starting to get to the point where I couldn’t tell if he was complimenting me on things, or flirting with me.

    He seemed to be fine with it, me being gay that is, and sometimes we’d talk about girls together. He hasn’t had the best of experiences with girls to say the least, and he’s been hurt pretty badly before. Something doesn’t seem to add up though, he told me about this girl that he liked, and how he saw her kiss another girl at a party, however I know a close friend of this girl and she says that this girl has never kissed anyone before. She also says that although the girls were dating, their date was at the cinema, not at a party- and that the girl wasn’t even at a party.

    So, that brings up a lot of questions. The girl herself said that she went to the cinema, even though I didn’t directly ask her about it. Regardless, I dropped it and decided it wasn’t any of my business anyway.

    Now Zac doesn’t have the best of track records when it comes to mental health, and when we started discussing and sharing experiences of secondary school (he went to a different school to me) he told me about his depression, and how he was even suicidal at one point- even going as far as attempting it a few times, much to the dismay of his friends and family. Thankfully he was stopped, and he’s now in therapy. Zac has made a lot of progress, and is no longer suicidal and doesn’t self-harm anymore.

    I do have to wonder why he has such a collection of sharp weapons, I get that they’re for nerdy collection purposes, but with his history…I’m surprised he has such access. I understand that if he wasn’t allowed that would suggest he can’t be trusted and that he’d take that in a bad way, and that being overly-protective can be bad too but still…. I get that he’s ok now but…. hmm….

    Along with the depression, he also has social anxiety. He’s supposed to go to a therapist to help him through his anxiety, but he’s been avoiding sessions because, fittingly enough, he’s too anxious to go.

    Lately I’ve been acting somewhat as a therapist to him, which isn’t that uncommon as I often play an advisory role in my friend groups, not always- but usually I have. However, there’s only so much I can do, for obvious reasons. He seems to look up to me for advice, and I’m worried that he might be putting me on an unrealistic pedestal that is unfair on the both of us.

    The other day, he admitted that he had feelings for me. I let him down gently, making sure not to hurt him too much. I understand that the last thing he needs is yet another girl rejecting him (that wasn’t what caused the attempted suicide though, it was a lot more complicated than that and involved a lot of rumours and misunderstandings, but I’m not going to go into that right now), but I don’t think it would be fair on him either if I pretended to like him when I don’t.

    So now comes the question of what I should do now. I tried to make it somewhat humorous, and at one point I said I was flattered and I joked about how I was surprised because I thought I was terrible. He then went on to say how he thinks I’m perfect, and despite me trying to break this overly-romantised and idealistic version he holds of me, he’s still adamant that I’m this perfect being even when I tell him about my flaws. The implication here being that he thinks he’s less than me, and I wish he didn’t think like that.

    This tendency of his to hold other people to higher expectations is troubling to me. I wish there was a way I could show him that he does have worth, but I’m no therapist. I wish I could do more, and I don’t know how I can convince him to go to his therapy sessions. I don’t suppose there is anything I can do at this point.

    I don’t want him to think that anything has changed between us, and I want him to know that he can still come to me for help and advice, but that I am only human and have flaws myself, and that I’m not a qualified specialist and that there’s only so much I can do. I don’t have much life experience myself, and I’m not great at comforting others- it doesn’t come to me easily all of the time, and I think in general people think I’m more useful when it comes to this stuff than I actually am.

    Sure, my advice can sometimes help others- but there’s only so much I can do and that’s what gets to me.

    …I just needed to get this out.
     
    #1 Canterpiece, Nov 5, 2016
    Last edited: Nov 5, 2016
  2. Canterpiece

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    Update: He's still acting kind of flirty towards me, and has started buy gifts for me. Nothing major, but still. However, I think he is starting to get it and hopefully with time he will desist.
     
  3. mattni

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    I think your friend might be in denial that you're gay, as it sounds that way. From what I heard it's a normal part of the path of acceptance when you come out to certain people. Hopefully he understands soon. :slight_smile:
     
  4. Civiel

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    That is truly a tricky situation you are in. But I can assure you that the best thing to do is to make it completely clear that you do not want a relationship, ever. you should sit Down with him and talk properly. Tell him that he is amazing but that unfortunately you are gay and couldn't ever see him in that way. If you don't tell him straight on he will continue to hope, and believe me, that is the worst thing you can do to someone that has a crush on you. It's better for him to get sad now and then get over it. But of course, I think you should try to be there for him nevertheless, because he is your friend. But try to keep your distance. Right now he is probably desperately trying to look for clues that you like him romantically, so don't give him any reason to think so.

    But also remember, if something were to happen to him it would not be your fault. You are not responsible for his mental health, you can try to help yes, but it's never your fault if it doesn't work.
     
  5. Canterpiece

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    I feel like an update is in order. We have still kept in touch and talk from time to time, and things have pretty much gone back to normal between us. He isn't as flirty as he used to be, and it hasn't been brought up since. He thanked me for being there for him. We don't get to talk as much due to assignment work stacking up, but we seem to be on good terms now.

    :thumbsup:
     
  6. Patrick7269

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    I think you handled this just super! Great job!

    To second what's been said before, you can be clear with someone and you can be considerate of their needs, but you are not responsible for their actions or mental health. I think you did just the right things here.

    What Zac may see in time is that when someone identifies a certain way it is their *right* to do so. If I say I'm gay and someone else says "but aren't you just a little bi?" that's really an affront to my dignity. In this case I don't think Zac knowingly meant to disregard you, but it was a way of objectifying you.

    Ironically, you became at the same time this idealized paragon of his adoration, and yet still an object. As wonderful as YOU are, he was still infatuated with an idealized sense of you that he had created. I don't think there's anything wrong with a crush, but the heartbreaking this is that usually someone has fallen in love with a fantasy that they have generated themselves.

    This looks like it's resolved but my only advice would be to keep an eye on him for his mental health. When you can, build him up and help him see his own beauty. He doesn't need to hunger for a beauty outside himself that he already has.

    Crushes - probably one of the best and worst experiences of life - all in one! Hint: I'm rambling on from my own experience. ;-)

    *warm hugs*

    Patrick
    Seattle, WA
     
  7. Creativemind

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    Sounds like he just needed some space. Unfortunately, a lot of men act like this when they are rejected. My advice for next time is to stop talking to whoever has feelings for you until they have time to clear their head. It's not even a straight guy thing. I had feelings for a friend who didn't like girls, so we had to discontinue conversation for a few months. Went back to normal soon afterward though.
     
  8. Canterpiece

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    ....And he's back to flirting with me again. :eusa_doh:
     
  9. Dorothea

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    Take it from me, this will happen approximately 5 zillion more times during your life.

    I used to feel really bad every time it happened, until my mother pointed out that some men don't take the hint with straight girls either. Some guys need it laid out with no tact whatsoever before they can move on.

    So handle the flirting the same way a straight girl would - tell him flat out you're not interested and that the flirting is getting in the way of your friendship.

    And I know this sounds harsh, but if you really want to help him, you need to focus on yourself a bit more and him a bit less. If you are such a great friend, trying to help him through his low self-esteem, he is just going to put you on even more of a pedestal and feel even more strongly about you. Nothing makes you seem more magical than you telling him that you’re just a flawed human being like everyone else – not only are you perfect, but you’re modest, too! You're telling him that there are other great girls in the world, some of whom will even be into him, but you're acting like the perfect, albeit non-sexual, girlfriend, always putting his feelings first. That doesn't give him much of a reason to go find a real girlfriend.

    As for telling you that you're bi, of course you can tell him that it's disrespectful to you not to accept that you know your own identity. Just because you dress or act a certain way, or because you enjoy hanging out with male friends, it doesn't make you bi.

    And remember that this guy has shown he has difficulty accepting your boundaries. You're telling him what you want and who you are, and he's ignoring that because he's sure he knows better. Whatever wonderful qualities this man has, that particular problem is not one to be taken lightly. You will be doing both of you a favour if you tell him absolutely clearly that he has overstepped.

    Good luck!
     
    #9 Dorothea, Feb 16, 2017
    Last edited: Feb 16, 2017