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Is being out to someone inconveniencing?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Dalmatian, Nov 6, 2016.

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  1. Dalmatian

    Dalmatian
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    I need a second opinion.
    A good friend just told me that I should come out to his new girlfriend. The reason: it would surface eventually anyway and at that point it would be awkward for him not to have told her earlier.

    I was surprised and hurt by that. It seemed disproportionate and wrong-sided; belittling and ignorant of my feelings and pains. But have I been ignorant of the pains of the secret keeping side of the deal?

    Am I overreacting?.. I am not fishing for "what a jerk". He's honestly a great guy. I just don't know anymore where self pity ends and people's coldness starts.


    To give the basic background; I was reading a book yesterday ("Dante and Aristotle.." - beautifully sweet). And today his girlfriend asked me what I'd been reading. I said "oh, it was just some gay book" (my fault.. I could have dealt with this in any number of ways). To which she said in mild to disapproving surprise: "Gay?". She's a no-missing-church Catholic. Then I said "Well, actually, it's a YA sort of a book" and that's where we ended the topic.
    Later, when I was alone with my friend, I retold him the same four-line conversation, so that if she asks, he doesn't need to worry about what and how she knows and whether he can say anything. That's when he said I should tell her; and that it would otherwise be awkward for him. So, I was hurt.. I did, however, say that if he feels weird, I don't mind him telling her, if it would make him feel better.
     
    #1 Dalmatian, Nov 6, 2016
  2. Quantumreality

    Quantumreality
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    Hey Dalmatian,

    That’s an interesting situation. First, ONLY you can determine who you want to Come Out to and when. Your friend should respect that. At least he is consulting you and says it would be awkward for him to tell his girlfriend, so I’m guessing that he won’t outright tell her if you say not to. Also, if you tell her can you trust HER to keep your information private? If you don’t want it spread around, that is potentially a serious consideration for you.

    It is wrong for him to pressure you to tell anyone about what is your personal and private information – especially someone whom you think won’t be accepting.

    Having said all of that, in my case, when I Came Out to each of my straight friends, I told them that they could tell their wife/girlfriend if the subject came up because I, personally, don’t think it’s worth asking them to keep my secret from their significant other – and trust is a key foundation stone in any relationship.

    So, again, I would say it is your personal choice. Whether you tell her or not, you should probably reiterate to your friend that it is your decision and yours alone whom you want to tell.

    Just my thoughts.

    Take Care.:slight_smile:
     
    #2 Quantumreality, Nov 6, 2016
    Last edited: Nov 6, 2016
  3. CharacterStudy

    CharacterStudy
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    It's your decision, and your friend should respect that. I do get where he's coming from though, it's very hard to keep secret from your other half. Think how hard it is for you to keep it secret, and remember how motivated you are to keep it quiet. He on the other hand may be worrying that without a background fear of exposure to motivate him to remember, he might accidentally out you.
     
    #3 CharacterStudy, Nov 21, 2016
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