I've got a huge problem nowadays and that problem is that I've been crushing on my coworker for a few months now. I live in a country where someone even finding this out would most likely lead to me being killed in a flash mob, so the idea of telling him is somewhat redundant. And I know for sure he's liberal on a few things, but pretty sure not on this, in fact, I've heard many of my colleagues discuss how gay people should be killed, etc, etc, and they deserve hell, which is kind of creepy and they ask for my views on it, and I just try to change the topic at times, but can't at others because then they might get suspicious why I don't condemn gay people and suspect, and it's so scary. But yeah, I'm starting to feel resentful towards the people I have a crush on. Now I know it's not their fault I like, and this resentment is highest against this coworker, and I feel so angry about how I like him and he'd probably have me killed if he knew, or maybe even do it himself, though I'm probably being dramatic because generally he's pretty harmless, but some of the stuff that's been discussed in office that he agrees with is... scary, to put it mildly. And scary, because why are they discussing it? And even though it's always come up in context to something else, I always wonder if they know and they're telling me, but I know they don't know, but still.. it's just weird, you know? And to top it all of, I just hate myself now. Hate myself for liking him, why do I like someone who wants me dead? Why do I have to be be like this and shit, it's not my fault, and it's NOT WRONG to be what I am, I know this, but I hate myself for falling in love and why, oh why do I even fall in love with people who most likely hate me? And then I want to hurt myself for liking someone or for being so helpless and it just hurts so much. And I want to find a psychiatrist but I can't trust one here. I just can't, and I know this is possibly leaving a lasting effect that will never ever end and will I ever trust someone even away from here? I don't know, and it's so weird. I don't even know why I'm posting this now, it's not like something posted here can dramatically change life, but it's so weird. I'm just hoping to get an year or two of experience before applying for Master's and because my dad is sick, so I don't want to leave him and mom here alone, but then I think of their views and they'd want me gone if they ever knew what I was, and I wonder, who am I waiting for? Why do I care? And I want to cry because life is so unfair because I'll have to choose someday right? Someday, I'll have to leave my friends and family here behind in hopes of actually finding love someday, someplace where I can me myself Sorry for the rant, but I just feel so broken everyday. What should I do?
If I were you I'd try to go somewhere else where you can be accepted and safe. Also, try not to hate yourself for having a crush, I've felt the same way on a smaller scale. You can't control your emotions otherwise you wouldn't like him anymore and there is no use in hating yourself. The most important thing, is to remember that it's always ok to be yourself and there will always be someone supporting you. I hope I was able to help in someway and I really hope things will get better for you.
I am planning on doing so, but the only route I see is educational. If I go that route, I need to apply with one year's work experience and really prepare for IELTS, GRE, etc, because I have very limited scholarship options, as the easier ones would require me to return back for 5 years which I am very unwilling to do. I also can not have anyone find out I'm gay, even abroad, as my family here would still suffer from the stigma. While they would probably disown me for being gay and have talked about how if I were so theoretically, they would put me in a madhouse (Apparently it's a disease), still family, I'd rather they not suffer. I do try to remember everyday, but it's hard.
