My brother and I have always been closer to our mom compared to our dad. However, as we have both gotten older the gap has become much larger. My mom was always the one to take us to practice, go to our teacher conferences, takes us to the doctor/dentist appointments, and shopping. I don't know why my dad never really did any of that but clearly it had an effect on us. My brother and I always went to our mom for advise and comfort. Dad was just kind of there. Well now that my parents are separated you can bet that my brother and I both unknowingly took my mom's side. We love our dad but he's just not the best, at least not compared to our mom. I've been away to college for over 4 months now and I can count on 1 hand the amount of times my dad has called or texted me to see how I was doing. Where as I can't go a day without calling my mom, either to vent or to just talk. We've tried family therapy but that didn't really work. I want to be close to my dad but he just feel like a stranger.
I know how you feel, my dad is the same. My parents are still together but its like me and my dad are strangers to each other, we might not see each other for two weeks(we live 10 mins apart) and when we meet we never have anything to talk about. We don't have a lot in common and just don't relate well, it's been like this since I was a young kid. My brother and I are way closer to our mom, she did all the things with us while growing up, our dad always had a job and provided for us but he wasn't really there for us emotionally, he has always been distant. Sorry I don't have any advice really but I understand.
Is it possible your dad is depressed? Depression makes it hard for people to form connections. It may seem like it's been going on too long to be the depression, but I'm 19 and my dad has been depressed and suicidal for as long as I've been alive. It could also be that your dad just doesn't know how to be a dad and form relationships. (Like my dad and biological mother.) Usually, this is due to how they were raised themselves. Have you tried texting him to ask how he's doing?
I do feel that depression has something to do with it. The biggest change was after he lost his job a few years back. I suppose he felt that by providing half of the income he was at least contributing to the family a little. He also grew up not having a relationship with his biological dad and having an alcoholic step dad. But the thing is my mom also grew up with a suicidal alcoholic for a father.
Hey all you youngins - I'd like to give you a father's perspective on this thread. Of course, I'm not your dad and my experience as a father may not be similar to his. I have a good relationship to my 2 kids, both boys. During my depression, however, I definitely backed away and lost interest in a lot of things, including what was going on in my kids' lives. That's not a good excuse, but it is the truth, and I'm all about truth here on EC. I failed my kids in certain ways because my depression took away my desire to care any more about anything. I have worked hard to repair those issues after my depression lifted, and it's been helpful. I can also imagine that your dad may think he's blown it and has given up. Or perhaps he's just an uncaring jerk who selfishly only cares about his own needs and desires. I don't know because I don't know him. Have you ever told him how you felt about this?
I can give you a (formerly) unemployed person's perspective: it hurts. It's terrible. Depression doesn't go far enough to describe it. That might help you to cut him some slack... or just to talk to him.
I also feel like I have picked up on some of my mom's anger towards him. Since she was always the one carting us around, we were usually who she vented to about him. Now that im older I see that that was not good for us as kids. I now carry this weight of anger towards my dad because I've seen how he frustrates my mom. I don't know how to let all that go.
I can kind of relate to your post because I was the opposite. I was close to my dad as opposed to my mom. My dad had been the one whom I could talk to or go to for advice and he would take me along with him whenever he went out because he wanted me to hang out with him. Therefore, I felt more of a connection with him as opposed to my mom. Now my mom on the other hand was very controlling and somewhat domineering. She loved to be catered to. All in all...it was like "my way or the highway" with her. She really never took an interest in anything that I may had been going through and if she did show a little interest ... it was because I had given her some money or bought her a really nice gift. In other words, it was like if she got something out of it...then she will give me a little attention. However, her relationship with the other siblings was really different. What I wanted from her ...she gave to them and she also was able to control them in a lot of ways and they allowed it. In regards to the second part of your post where you made attempts to repair your relationship with your dad. Well...I went through the same ordeal with my mom on many occasions but it was like I was fighting a losing battle because no matter how many attempts I would make...it did not have a lasting effect and therefore, I just came to the point of giving up altogether. If she needed anything from me..I would obliged by doing it only out of the respect that she was my mom and I felt she deserved that gratitude from me no matter how strained our relationship was over the years. So..like some others on the forum had mentioned..perhaps you should just have a honest talk with him and lay your cards on the table so to speak and see where that goes. I wish you the best...JS
Hey, same here. Don't get me wrong, I love my Dad, but I'm definitely closer to my Mum. I haven't even officially told my Dad that I'm bi yet... I feel pretty bad about that sometimes. In my case, depression probably does have something to do with it - except that my Dad hasn't always been depressed, he's only started having symptoms within the last couple of months. And I'm depressed myself, so I know exactly how it is. I'm not as distant from my Dad as you seem to be, though, and I still live with my parents, but if I were you I'd try reaching out to him. Nothing big if you don't want to, just casual conversations about things you both have in common are better than nothing.
