What do you guys think?

What would you guys do in the case that I have. Kent basically acts like he always has but he says he needs space and he knows about he said that I need to trust him about us being together for life and when I was offering and asked him since his best friend gave him a special gift that he still has I told him I can give you something also but he said no I don't have to. I asked why and he said remember about the space I need and then that's why I said about your said you are different from others not like my ex's and he knows. So I' am confused. I asked is everything the same and he says yes and I said at end of call I love you and he said "you too" like always so I' am confused here.


What do you guys think what's he thinking? Kind of confusing to me.

---------- Post added 13th Nov 2016 at 06:54 PM ----------

Maybe I posted this on wrong forum if so please move it to right area if it's not the right spot to ask this question. Thank you

 

I think I saw your last thread and just didn't get the chance to respond.

I'll be honest, I'm confused as well. It could just be how he acts in general, in terms of not being very affectionate. It might not be something just for you. But at this point in your relationship (two years, right?), there really shouldn't be this many confusing little moments. There's a problem if you feel like you can't ask him for clarification on what he means sometimes, or if you're forced to hyper-analyze every thing he says.

 

Well I actually don't quite understand what you are saying it sounds confusing. Are you saying that he still is my boyfriend just how he does things is different? He did say that he wants space to think things out and I know that there are couples that have done this even they are married according Kent and my therapist said but is there nothing to worry and that he still is my boyfriend and for sure loves me the same as before? Since I ask him is everything the same and he says yes and I said ok I love you very much and he said "you too" then I said I promise to marry you and he says yup bye.

So I guess this might be the most interesting relationship that no one ever had apparently but I needed help on this to understand if he really is going to be with me forever like he says or not. He did say that his not like my ex and I should never think he is 7 months ago so I been trusting him the whole time. I even recently said that others said the same thing what he says and agrees and he said "see I told you" so I assumed that he is going to keep his promises and be with me forever like he said 7 months ago.

When I did say I was willing to get him something special gift like his best friend did he said no you don't have to and I said why? Then he said "do you remember that I need space?" Then that was when I said "you told me that you are different from my ex's right" Then he said "why are we talking about this?" Then I just said "Oh nothing I just thought you said that so I know you are still with me like you promised 7 months ago.

I guess if you guys read from all my topics about this you would know more details about everything and how it started. I started this from the finger size matter topic and it says about what happened from then.


As I said my whole point is this is something not to worry about and just trust what he said 7 months ago and he will always be my boyfriend like he promised for sure?

---------- Post added 13th Nov 2016 at 10:02 PM ----------

Ya he was saying "why are we talking about this" Is because we talked about this 5 days ago about him needing space and I was just bringing it up about him saying that I need to trust people more and not think what happened to your ex's will happen again.

---------- Post added 13th Nov 2016 at 10:06 PM ----------

Also I might be thinking to much since I have OCD but maybe everything is fine and he is still my boyfriend and everything is normal. I know I do get overboard on things with OCD but just wanted to know what your guys think and agree it's my OCD and his still really with me now?

 

Maybe this kind of thing has never happened to any gay guys here or has never happened to anyone and is different so no one knows the answer. But I really do need the help to understand better and know if for sure Kent is committed to be with me forever like he said 7 months ago. That's the whole point I need to know from everything I explained on what's going on so far about him and I.

 

I can't know what he's thinking. Wanting space can mean many things. It could be related to depression, it could be him trying to work out some things (which may or may not have anything to do with you), or he could be stringing you along because he's worried about hurting you and feeling bad about doing so. Or maybe none of those things.

Have you had an in depth discussion by what he means by wanting space? Does he want no contact? Does he want a one sided relationship in which you cater to him but he doesn't have to worry about meeting any of your needs? What kind of arrangement is he looking for specifically? If you haven't had this discussion yet, you should. And has he tried to explain his reasons as to why at all? This is clearly bothering you, and you should seek an honest discussion about what is going on. It may not be necessary for him to give all the details if it's about something he's uncomfortable with sharing yet, but to not give you any idea is a bit of a crappy thing to do, especially if he does want to be with you forever. Relationships should ideally be built on trust with honest, open, and respectful communication.

If you've already tried that route and only end up more confused or if you try it and it doesn't help ease your mind at all, the next step is to stop wondering what's going on with him and asking yourself what you're willing to put up with and what your deal breakers are. You may love him, but a relationship needs more than that. If you find yourself worrying constantly and it seems never ending, and you don't feel he is giving any sincere attempt at making you feel more comfortable, and that overall this relationship is giving you far more pain than anything else, you may want to spend some time with yourself and figure out if it's worth it to you.

It's a difficult position to be in, but I would personally either drop him or set up clear boundaries and expectations. That's not to say you should give ultimatums. I know sometimes it can be a struggle to explain your own wants and needs without it coming across as one, but best to try to avoid doing so as best as possible.

Basically, try to focus on yourself and what you want, because if he's not willing to put in the effort to help you understand what is going on, you're only going to continue worrying about something you can't possibly know.

 

Well he is for sure in depression because the place he lives at. Also he said about he has to sort things out about his life and what he wants to do like his career for example. All I know is that in the past he kept changing what he wanted to be and I thought it was strange since once he said he wants to move to California and be a make up artist and once he said he would want to have a business in Omaha of some sort and one he wants to be a baker since his good at that or work in the culinary field and all of these things he likes but he doesn't know what he wants for sure. Also once he said he wanted to someday to Europe when his around 36 or older. All I all he keeps changing what he said and there are other things he said also he wanted to do. It seems like he is confused on a lot of things about himself and that's why he said he wanted to sort things out by putting everything in the middle and he tried to do that while he said we were boyfriends but he wasn't able to so a month ago he wanted to just have me as best friends until he sort things out he said but wasn't able to say it since it's hard for him to tell his feelings to people. His had trouble with that in the past.

Apparently he doesn't know himself enough he says but he knows his gay since he was 12 so that's no problem but other things about his life he wants to get to know himself more and needs to put everything in the middle.

But do you guys think realistically he didn't put me as a best loyal friend and he is still my boyfriend? All I know he still acts the same and says he loves me back at end of calls as I said before in my posts.

After all he said 7 months ago that he is different from other guys I was with as I said before and to not think him as them. He even agreed about what you guys said about I need to trust people more and not think about the past.

---------- Post added 14th Nov 2016 at 01:43 AM ----------

He says some people have this problems about not knowing them self's and some don't and he just said he needs to get to know himself so needs space to think and put everything in neutral. We actually talked over the phone for 3 hours that day he said this.

---------- Post added 14th Nov 2016 at 01:54 AM ----------

All I know he said that I been really his number best reliable person and that can count on and he says I am like a big brother that gives him guidance to life and he said if the worst case worst comes out that we can't be boyfriends he will always be my best number 1 friend for life period he said if you need anything I will be there for you. You can call me like at 2 in the morning if you need help. He has said that what normally friends would not do he would do to do whatever I need.

He did say that because I am like a big brother doesn't mean that we can't be boyfriends. I did say this on my original topic 5 days ago. He really admires me that's for sure since I been so helpful in his life

---------- Post added 14th Nov 2016 at 01:58 AM ----------

I don't know if this will help you guys more out what you think if we are still boyfriends or is he really just a best friend now until he sorts things out? Also will he for sure be back with me if he really isn't my boyfriend now?

He doesn't mind me at all saying I love you or anything and he really does love me too but right now as a loyal friend he says.

I just feel that really he does love me as boyfriends since all in all that's what it sounds like to me. Just that he needs space to sort things out.

Do you guys agree that he still loves me as a boyfriend and is still my boyfriend?

 

He did also say that if I help him move on Feb,13 if weather is good that day that would likely help him decide to be boyfriends with me more also. But not necessary that I have to do it to make it work but it would probably help since it's one big thing in his life that would make a difference he said since his been really depressed and stressed living where his at for a year and half.

---------- Post added 14th Nov 2016 at 02:12 AM ----------

I would like to know what you guys think overall now and that if he really is still with me as lovers. If you have more questions I will try to answer them best I can about him.

 

So the first part I can relate to a lot. I can't say what he's thinking and going through is the same, but I can give you an experience I had where I asked for space in a relationship. At the time I was very depressed and dealing a lot with my own mental health issues. I moved out for a short time because I wanted to sort things out and I did honestly consider ending the relationship completely, but it had nothing to do with them. More like I didn't want to be a burden. I did end up going back though and it last four more years. Split for different reasons so don't want you to take that as a sign. So based on my own experience, it is possible it has nothing to do with you. If anything he might see himself as a burden to you and feel uncomfortable with that. But you never know either.

I also have a lot of trouble talking about my feelings to people. One thing that helps a bit is instead of speaking directly, writing back and forth through email or something like that. Not sure if it's something you two already do, but if not, I would recommend suggesting something like that to him. It can still be hard so it's possible he wouldn't, but letting him know that it's an option is a good idea.

As for the rest, a part of me wants to say it sounds likely that things will eventually get back to normal but another part of me wants to say it sounds like he's confused. He probably does love you, but if he still thinks of it as a romantic relationship or will end up wanting to go back to a romantic relationship, that I can't answer and won't be able to.

 

You do sound like him actually about you wanted to sort things out but really it will take FOUR years? Although he did say it could take few weeks to few months or years but my questions is there anything I can do to help? I bet you are right it's not me since he did say it's not me at all in the past. But so that means that he really isn't with me right now and should I wait for like 4 years if it does take that long?

Also once he moves out of that place in Feb 13 will this change since he will have freedom to what he wants instead of being kind of like locked up and can't do anything and no one respecting him where his been living at for a year and half?

 

Well if anyone else can add help on this I would totally appreciate it also.

So far Olle knows the most looks like with his experience and I do totally appreciate him
Thank you very much

 

I think you may not be getting the responses you are looking for because you are perhaps asking the wrong questions here. We don't know you or your boyfriend. We cannot possibly know whether or not he will stay with you forever. So, asking us that question leaves me with not wanting to venture an opinion on that question because I can't know the answer.

I would like to try to help you, though.

I'm confused about a couple of things. First, I don't understand what you mean by "special gift." Are we talking about like a birthday present, or is "special gift" a euphemism for something and I'm just not getting it. If we're talking about just a present that his best friend got him and your boyfriend is saying you don't need to get him a gift, then I would say you should buy your boyfriend a gift when you feel like buying him a gift - regardless of what anyone else gives him. No one should need permission to buy someone a gift, especially for your boyfriend.

Second, your last few posts seem to suggest that your boyfriend isn't exactly your boyfriend. You said,

This confuses me. If you help him move that would help him decide to be boyfriends with you?

Overall, it seems like the two of you are not in a place of mutual understanding. You don't seem to agree on the status of your relationship, and it's clear from your side that you have worries that he isn't into this relationship as much as you are.

I'm not sure where you go from here, except that misunderstandings and hurt feelings most often come from a lack of communication. I would start there. Talk to him more.

Take care. ride:

 

Well like today he acts like he always has says he loves me but I just don't know if he really feels like we are together or not. Also he says about still keeping his promises so maybe he is still with me. I did buy him a video game and he said thank you a lot so I' am happy he is happy and I still said I will promise to help you on the move and getting the class ring he really loved that he lost in just one week years ago and he is very happy. All in all especially the ring and the $100 for moving help really means a lot to him I know for a fact. I really trust his going to even admire me more than before. He has already thank me soo much for what I have done in the past.

Now for the special gift was one of his best friend he knew before me gave him a necktie and he still has it and showed him that he still has it on Facebook. He said normally people don't give gifts that was for him to another friend as a gift since most will keep it if it was a gift so it was special for Kent. I said I can do the same for you also then that's why he said you don't have to. But then today I thought about giving him a gift and I remember he really loved that class ring his been talking about many times in the past so I thought I will save up and get him that same ring and he will be in cloud nine. He did get excited when I said this so he is happy.

But you maybe right that you guys will never figure out about us since I' am the only one knows about him the most and you guys won't be able to help and tell me what's going to happen.

He did say though that since I helped him so much for sure when he gets a job and has money he will buy me a nice computer around $500 range since he knows I love using computers and playing games on it. But as of now his in a tight budget in his lifetime since he lives off SSI plus Crossroads control his money he makes even he works so he can never save anything. He did say he applied for K-Mart and got a interview last week I think it was and so hopefully he will work there and he said he will send me the checks directly to me and not to Crossroads since he doesn't trust them. Too bad him working at Goodwill he can't save his checks anymore since it's set to go automatically to his checking account that Crossroads made for him so he won't be able to send them to me. So when he gets the new job he will quit the Goodwill and give the checks to me since he totally trusts me. I' am really happy he trusts me this much since I can say my ex boyfriend I was with for 8 years didn't trust me this much even I was such a great guy for him. Kent really admires me for sure.

---------- Post added 14th Nov 2016 at 02:32 PM ----------

But I guess just wanted to know what you guys think and if he really still is with me and nothing to worry about and just be happy with him. I hope I gave better details on my last post if not let me know. Thank you

 

Ok, based upon your posts so far, I would say that you are feeling insecure about your relationship with him. You seem to need constant validation and reassurance from him that he is still with you and intends to stay with you.

Dating someone who has a constant need for reassurance gets annoying after a while. Look at it from his perspective. If you constantly question your relationship and ask him all the time to "prove" his love for you and state over and over again that he's still with you, why wouldn't he see that as a sign that you don't trust him?

Based upon your post it looks like you're doing just fine in your relationship. But if you still feel insecure, that really says more about you than about him. Why do you think you're so insecure? Is it because of your ex?

If you keep dragging your past issues through your relationship, and continually check your relationship status with him, that will just put too many burdens on this relationship. I know you've been hurt in the past. However, if you keep this up, you're only going to taint your current relationship with the baggage from the past.

Real, lasting relationships require you to be vulnerable. I know that's hard to do. But you won't be truly open to this relationship until you open yourself to that vulnerability. That means letting go of your fears and really open yourself to him fully. That doesn't mean your relationship will last forever, but it does mean you don't have any chance of sustaining a relationship while you are so closed off from him.

Take care. ride:

 

Ok now I clearly found out that at the moment he really isn't my boyfriend and is just best friends. He clearly states that since he needs to clear things out in his mind. I thought that since he said "you too" after I said I love you he still really loves me but really he did end the relationship and he said that yes if I helped him on stuff he can then take in consideration and but no promises. So he might be back with me he might not he said it's a challenge you can do if you want like any relationships. But he needs to sort things out before he decides anything. I guess he is confused. I can say I told him that I will promise for the moving help and ring and that might help but no guarantee.

Do you think what I am thinking to do will be the best idea? Since after all we know each other for 2 years you know.


What do you guys think? Thank you

---------- Post added 14th Nov 2016 at 04:45 PM ----------

When I said ring it's the class ring not wedding ring. I did talk about the before though.

---------- Post added 14th Nov 2016 at 05:05 PM ----------

Just wanted to know if you guys agree that anything will help to make him decide to be with me again like he said or should I just not help him at all and have his other friends help like his moving? I told him I don't backstab people and I keep my promises so I believe I need to help him like I promised. I know I can trust him and his not going do something like if I got him something he will never pay back. He really commits to what he says. His always paid me back if he has the money. So he is WAY better than Adam I was with for 8 years back from 2004 to 2012 that's when I met and broke up with Adam.

 

Although if you have any questions or disagree about me willing to do my best to make us go back together let me know. Or have better ideas to help I would truly appreciate it.


Thank you for your support so far.

 

I guess should I just not call him as much anymore? Or not treat him like I use to meaning like saying I love you at end of calls? Or did I confuse you guys even more. Or do I need to decide what to do since I know the most about him? Basically you guys are out of ideas about this case.

 

Hi, sorry I couldn't get back to you until this morning.

I was afraid that your boyfriend wasn't really your boyfriend anymore, and it seemed like you really knew it too, but were maybe hoping it wasn't really over with him. I think you're still hoping.

I think you need to move on. That doesn't mean you can't be friends, or that you can't help him move. That's what friends do for each other. The only question is for you, can you remain friends with him even though you no longer have a bf relationship?

You asked a lot of questions in the last few posts, so here's my thoughts:

"Do you think what I am thinking to do will be the best idea?" You can help him move only if it's not going to cause you pain to be around him for that. If not, you aren't obligated no matter what.

"I guess should I just not call him as much anymore?" Again, will that cause you pain to keep in contact or can you remain friends? Only you can know that.

"Or not treat him like I use to meaning like saying I love you at end of calls?" I know you still love him, but it won't help you to keep saying it to him. You need to move on.

"What do you guys think?" Overall, I think that your relationship is over. It seems like he's trying to end the relationship without hurting you, so he's doing it in baby steps. That's not really helpful though because it keeps you on a string and unable to let go.

 

Well my therapist did say that he really still loves you but it's because of the place he lives at made him like this. Also he made a joke today since he was in a good mood and I really know that when he does that means he really will want me back in the future. I said I prey that you will be back with me and we were talking about a lot of other things but when I say that part he said "No" "Just kidding" So I know he really still loves me and it serious about going back but just has to sort things out. He needs to be on meds also since his ADHD is really bad my therapist said she said his untreated and it's really bad. But all I all I hope he will be back with me again and I am actually going to meet my therapist in person tomorrow again she just called me on the phone today and told me about this. She does believe he loves me and can tell. She knows I love him too.

But I will let you guys know what she fully says after I meet her in person again and talk more about Kent. She's known about Kent since the day I met him and been talking about Kent to her ever since then on whatever we did and his done.

 

I did talk to Rita and she did end up saying that in real she can't answer yes or no about when Kent and I go back together and we will be happy together for life since she doesn't know Kent and never met him or so. She just doesn't want to say yes and make me excited and if something happens then I get upset. But from the time I started to talk to her about Kent she does think he does love me but a lot of couples go through this she said meaning it's not just Kent and him living where his at has some impact but it could be just him in general. Also since Kent grew up with not the best parents he could just be selfish on something's but doesn't mean his totally bad a selfish. Just he never had a great mother like me. But she can see Kent is loyal about caring for me and worrying about me but just kind of hard to explain. I told her that Kent did always worry about me if I' am sick or not feeling well or if something bad happens he does worry about me.

Also she said normally to really know the person well enough to know if his the right guy takes 3 years she use to say 5 years but it does take 3 years to really find out. Other thing is that she first said that it could be possible that when Kent moves out and meets new friends he could just not want to be with me or even friends with me since he will be finally free from the place when his in Omaha.

This is all possibilities that could happen so doesn't mean it will happen. I told her that when I first met Kent in person when he lived alone he was really great loyal guy and I can tell that in the few 3 weeks before he moved so she said that's good. Also even the first few months in Crossroads before he got so depressed he was great and loyal the same way.

I guess all in all she hopes everything works out but don't put 300% on him that he will be my all time lover for life since if and only IF something happens I would be devastated.

So I guess I will just have to do what I been doing and do my best to show I love him and hopefully he will decide to be with me again and after all Kent did say he will be with me again since when he joked two times like when I said I prey that you would be back with me he said "No" Just Kidding" that's usually a sign that he will be back with me. Or whatever we are talking about and if he says something like that it has been true. He does like to joke a lot and I can say I don't take jokes well but getting better at it. I got it all from my mom since she never jokes. There are still jokes that he makes today that I take it serious and he says "Just kidding" Then I say "Oh ok that's good".

He still treats me like he really loves me by heart even now he says love me back at end of calls but just haven't decided to be back with me yet since as I said he just needs to take time and sort things out about his life and needs space. He even says he wants to spend so much time with me when his in Omaha. I know he wants sex too but I don't know if we should or not. I am horny too but if we have sex then it isn't really just friends. It will be like friends with benefits. But as I said before he said it could be anytime he would want me back it could take few weeks to few months just don't know. Maybe even once he moves out and is free and no more stress he would want me right away.

I can say if Kent really doesn't care much or love me he would of totally forgotten about me and moved on but he didn't.


This next part I am going to say is before he made the joke about being with me again so it isn't the latest information but is still true as of now since we are best loyal friends until he decides to go back with me.


Also I actually yesterday afternoon was going to forget about him and I even unfriend him on Facebook and deleted his pics on Facebook but he got really depressed when I did that and wanted me to re add him. I told him that I think we should just move on and not be friends or anything anymore since it's getting me too stressed and seems you aren't serious about me but he said that doesn't mean we can't be friends by the way when he says friends he means loyal special friend. I said I deleted your pics from my Facebook and he says that doesn't means we can't be friends. Then I said do you really admire me that much? and he said Yes as a friend and he means as a special loyal friend and I did confirm that what he means when he says friend.


As I said this part above is before he told me the joke. The joke where I said "I prey that you would be with me again" and he answered "No" "Just kidding"



What do you guys think overall? Feel free to tell me what you think about what I said and Rita my therapist said.


Thank you very much!

 

I will be meeting Rita my therapist this Monday and Wednesday again so I will talk more about this. But until I meet Rita again I can see how Kent and I work things out and see if there are any updates about Kent and what he says and if anything changes I will let Rita know. I known Rita for almost 13 years so I fully trust her.

But it's always good to have other peoples feedbacks too so I can tell her what you guys think and if she agrees with your guys ideas and maybe think of better ideas. Sometimes getting ideas from others make better ideas so I really hope you guys will continue to help and support me. I do really appreciate you guys been helping me so far.


Thank You again