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How to get over someone and other things...

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by rch1, Nov 14, 2016.

  1. rch1

    Regular Member

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    Location:
    USA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Hey guys,

    It's been almost two months since I told my best friend I loved him. We've been best friends for 4 years and I fell for him almost right away. The last 4 years have been miserable and made me really depressed because of this secret that was crushing me. You can read the whole long, depressing story in my first post if you really want too.

    Anyway, I guess I expected things to get better after I told him. He's straight and has a girlfriend and I know that we're never gonna be together. He took it pretty well when I told him I loved him, I think he was a little freaked out at first but by the end of the conversation he apologized for not being gay and said he wanted to stay friends. I thought this would give me some closure and I'd be able to move on with my life... but I still think about him constantly it's like he owns part of my brain. I've become really anti-social and I'm starting to think it's because he's the only person I care about which is really fucked up. I just want to move on from him... I want to meet other people, have another romantic interest, things like that. It's been two months and the only thing that's changed is that now I don't think about telling him or how to tell him anymore. Other than that I still think about him just as much. Do I need to give it more time? Do I need to cut myself off completely from him? I really don't want to do that he's my best friend and that wouldn't be fair to him. Plus even if I wasn't crazily attracted to him we'd still be best friends I love who he is as a person... and I couldn't imagine never seeing him again.

    I know it probably sounds like I'm insanely obsessed with him... and I guess I kind of am I don't know. He pretty much single handedly ruined my life... not his fault of course. I feel kinda ashamed to be so depressed because of him. I read these depression forums and shit and people are having family members die and getting raped and all these terrible things and all that happened to me was I fell in love with someone who doesn't feel the same. I guess I struggle to accept my sexuality too he's the only person who even knows I'm gay but I feel like I shouldn't be so depressed for the situation that I'm in. I just want to move on from him somehow and try and get my life back on track.

    I read something the other day that said a person will only truly fall in love on average twice in their life. What if I never find anyone as good as him. He's literally perfect in my eyes.... I've never even been in a relationship at 20 years old, I guess somewhat because of him, but what if every relationship I try to get into I end up comparing that person to him and then determine that they aren't good enough. What if I never love someone as much as him... the crazy thing is I've never even done anything sexual with him. I'm head over heals in love and we've never even kissed. I thought that would make it easier to move on but instead I continue to imagine what it would be like to sleep with him... it might be even worse I don't know.

    I don't know I'm just kind of rambling on now but putting all these thoughts that crowd my head out here like this helps me a little I think. If anyone had any tips on how to move on from someone or on anything in general that I wrote about I would really appreciate it. Thanks guys.
     
  2. killswitch0029

    Full Member

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    How much time do you spend with this person? While the most effective way to get over someone is no contact at all, looking at it logically I see he's important to you and I get that it's a shitty situation to be in. Trying to spend less time (not cut him out, just lessen the time around him) and focus on yourself is a good route to take.

    Depending on your insurance, you might be able to get a hold of a good therapist to speak with and help you out. If your insurance can't cover it, there are some therapists/foundation that in lieu of payment you do x amount of community service time for x amount of time spent on therapy.

    I know it seems like you'll never be able to have genuine feelings for someone because of how much you love your friend, but until you feel at ease with yourself you'll be stuck in this mind frame and won't be able to feel at ease with other people emotionally. Just try to distance yourself a bit and focus on yourself.
     
  3. CameOutSwinging

    Full Member

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    Don't get too hung up on "you only really fall in love twice" or anything like that. There's tons of sayings like that - heck, I went to see a musical last night and one of the numbers is about how you get three great loves in your life! And then there's the people who have been married 5 times...yeah, I don't think we have a maximum number.

    I think you're doing the right thing. You told him, so it's no longer this secret you have. And you're working to keep your friendship because you do still love him platonically. These things do just take time. If you need to spend a little less time talking to and seeing him, that's okay. If you're best friends, your relationship isn't going to fundamentally change because you see him once a week instead of four times, for example.

    I've gone through this a bit myself, though my friend actually is gay and we were even FWBs for over a year. I had much deeper feelings for him, and I could have decided to just walk away when it was over. But he's still one of my best friends, and maintaining that relationship is important to me. But believe me, I see and talk to him way less now. And that's a good thing.