1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Dating someone in the closet, living together soon?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by need4coffee, Nov 15, 2016.

  1. need4coffee

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 20, 2015
    Messages:
    7
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Saskatchewan
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    A few people
    So I've been dating this guy for well over a year. Were both in our early twenties. About 15 months or so. We have been talking about living together for about 8 months, and I even went as far as buying a house 2 or so months ago (not soley because of him, I wanted to buy a house before our relationship). But us living together keeps getting pushed off because hes not out of the closet yet. His parents finaly found out because he was tagged in a picture holding hands with me, and they happened to stumble upon it. I've met his parents once now!

    We go to parties and suppers and stuff with my friends all the time, and hes excited to come along, but then he goes to see his friends by himself, and I even drive him to his parties. But then I go home and cry, and im up all night and can't sleep. And hes always talking about his friends, and it just reminds me that im still stuck in the back of his closet. Or when something happens, and he changes a plan we had to accomodate a plan with his friends, then I just get really upset, and Im upset the whole time hes with his friends.

    I just feel like I'm inbetween a rock and a hard place. I've put so much into this relationship, to get this far, and I came out to my family and friends for him. But I feel like he hasn't put that effort in and had those awkward conversations for me.


    I just don't know what to do. Im tired of being whiney and upset, but I know I can't force him out.
     
  2. JonSomebody

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Nov 29, 2012
    Messages:
    1,073
    Likes Received:
    27
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    I too was in a relationship with someone who was not out of the closet. He was very well known and was in the media a lot and his notoriety caused a lot of stress for me and the relationship. If we went out to public events...I had to sit in the back of the auditorium or back stage and he was presented to be a ladies man. In fact, he had "beards" who portrayed as being a love interest when that was not the case in private. Like yourself...there was a picture that went out a few years later within the relationship of us together and he was holding my hand. He was met with a lot of scrutiny for that picture and it led to us breaking up for awhile in order for him to clear his image.

    I was heartbroken at that time but was ready to move forward until he kept trying to contact me and sending flowers, gifts, etc. in order to win me back. We did have a home together when we first became a couple. However, he would come around late at night and leave in the early morning hours as to not have anyone notice him being around. It was just too much for me to deal with at that time and when he decided to end the relationship after that photo incident...I kind of welcomed it once I thought things out rationally because I was out as a gay man and I would have been able to have that freedom that I wished for in our relationship but I try to be understanding and supportive due to his profession and sacrificed a lot to make that relationship work as long as it did.

    I can only speak for myself since I was in a similar situation as yourself and eventually the breakup was a good thing for me because he was not ready to come out and I respect that. Like yourself...I came out to family and friends on behalf of him and yet...no effort was met on his part which was expected.

    Throughout the years...I would hear from him from time to time and from what I've gathered he still has not came out of the closet and yet..he did make attempts to get back together with me but everytime he did ....I declined.

    Again...I can't advise or suggest what you should do because you may think differently than I did. Although I loved him very much but I could not stay in that relationship because I was not able to go out a lot and I was not able to have gay friends around me and so whenever he was not around...I was alone a lot if he did not ask me to travel with him to different events but those events had a lot of restrictions that at the end of the day...you just wanted to run away than deal with it all. To conclude...I wish you the best with whatever your decision may be and I just decided to respond to your OP because it took me back to that time when I read it and I wanted you to know some of my experiences with this guy and how much I can relate to what you are going through at this time.
     
  3. NicoC123

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jan 24, 2016
    Messages:
    46
    Likes Received:
    9
    Location:
    Visalia
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    This is not fair to you at all, and I am so sorry that you have to go through this. Clearly you love him a lot and he is lucky to have you. It might be beneficial to just sit down and have a long talk with him. It is his choice to stay in the closet and nobody should infringe on that, but he is making you make too many sacrifices for it. All of the actions you listed above aren't just related to staying in the closet he is forcing you to watch from the outside of his life, and that isn't okay. In any relationship there has to be give and take, but he isn't giving much. A good talk might help you two especially with all of the effort you are putting in. If not I would say maybe take a break and let him figure himself out before he hurts you more. If he loves you enough he will be willing to sacrifice time with his friends for you. He doesn't need to come out for it to be a healthy relationship he just needs to be fair to you.
     
  4. CameOutSwinging

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Aug 19, 2015
    Messages:
    735
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    New York City
    So I've never been in this position exactly, but when I started dating my now ex-fiancee, she didn't want to tell her family or friends about it because we were childhood friends. I felt like some kind of secret. I felt like something she was ashamed of. Generally it made me feel pretty bad, and I told her about it a few times before she finally started to tell everyone. So in that sense, I can relate. Feeling like someone's dirty little secret is not very good. It's something I consider when dating guys, because I'd never want them to feel the way she made me feel during that period.

    You can't force him out of the closet, but I think if he's not ready to be out, then perhaps he's not ready to be in a serious relationship. Also you have to think of what is best for you, and it sounds like feeling like a secret isn't it.
     
  5. need4coffee

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 20, 2015
    Messages:
    7
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Saskatchewan
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Thanks everybody for your input. We talked again last night, and I explained how I felt. And he just kind of said that he was sorry, and he knows its not fair to me, and he dosen't know what he would do without me.....

    I feel alot bettet now, but if nothing changes, ill just get upset again. And when I do I think I'll just have to give him an ultimatum. I feel horrible about that, and its not really my style. But I'm like if the relationship is making me miserable, theres no point in having one.

    It just sucks because everything else about our relationship is awesome. We sleep together every night, we cook supper together when our work schedules line up, we have some travel goals, etc. I'm not going to give up yet, we will hopefully talk more tonight about it, and I'll make a few more things clear.