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My parents/The social consequences

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Guff, Nov 15, 2016.

  1. Guff

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    Here's my life and the important parts shrunken down quickly as possible
    I live in a religious conservative family. I'm homeschooled. The ONLY times I EVER get outside my house (minus going to hang out or whatnot) is for 3 different things. 1 is a homeschooler co-op where I volunteer as a assistant teacher for kindergartners. (I'll call this co-op) Than thing 2 is a homeschooler elective course which is basically my hole entire "social life". And than the 3rd is a soccer team. The soccer team is the electives team and both programs are ran by the same people. LOL So yeah, that's my life. Okay so as I should add, my mom is the "head" of the co-op and is in charge of it. Took leadership recently after the old leaders kid aged out. My 3 young siblings all go to this co-op and take classes.
    My dad has recently become the head coach of the soccer team. My brother Tom (not his real name) also plays on the soccer team with me and goes to electives with me. LOL All three of these programs are deeply religious/conservative.
    Okay now throwing in even more details I started feeling really depressed and I started cutting myself (I know, stupid), so now I have scars. If the co-op knew about the scars I'd be kicked out. Which I'd hate to happen I love helping the kids there.
    Okay so moving on, I called a suicide hotline, decided I wanted to die, hung up on the hotline, had the hotline trace the call to my and had a cop force me to go to a mental hospital after stopping me from killing myself.
    Which again, if the co-op knew I was in a "mental hospital" they wouldn't let me volunteer anymore. So than I got out of the hospital, for like 6 days. LOL Yeah I got sent back and well I was in there the 2nd time I told my parents that I'm gay.
    If the co-op knew I'd be kicked out from volunteering.
    The soccer team actually has a "no gay" rule. And electives has a rule if you're kicked out of 1 elective program you're out of them all. Which means I'd get kicked out of both electives and soccer.
    Dang this post is long, that's just the what you need to know here's what I'm posting about
    So since coming out to my parents we've had talks about changing me, talks about supporting me, talks about what "gay" even is and whatnot. But tonight we discussed social consequence. My parents forbid me from telling anyone I'm gay in my families "social bubble". Because if people knew A I'd get kicked out of everything and it'd be embarrassing as fuck lol but B is that my mom would lose her position leading the co-op. My dad would lose being the coach. And my little siblings though probably would still go to co-op, wouldn't get invited anywhere anymore.. No familes would let their kids socialize and hang out with the family with a gay, especially the gay who got kicked out.
    My parents told me when I move out I'm free to come out and they'll love me and help me. (My mom isn't to happy but whatever..) They told me that when I move out if I come out, I'll need to get a new facebook/social media because even if I'm gone it would still have negative effects on my family. They said if I ever brought a boyfriend home (but lets be realistic with my scars, ain't happening LOL) Both him and I would have to agree to tell everyone in that "social bubble" we're just friends. My parents also so very kindly told me all about the people I got to worry about well my coming out. (As if I didn't realize it presented problems)

    This all just happened and it's so much to think about. And my parents telling me about how I'll have to change my social media and I'll have to lie even as an adult well I'm in this area and hearing them confirming the seriousness in me facing the legitimate possibility of the humiliation of getting kicked out for being gay from a group(s). And than there's people in all 3 groups who do other ones as well so even if 1 place knew they'd all find out.
    The soccer team has found out about my scars and spread it to electives, I'm very fearful of the co-op finding out through mutual members and me getting kicked out.. I just feel EXTREMELY alone and it's so much to think about..
     
  2. johndeere3020

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    Guff, I think your parents are just thinking about themselves too much when their focus should be on their hurting son. I think I read somewhere you are 16 or 17? I applied for full member status a couple of weeks ago. When it happens will you tell me the name of your CO-OP? All your mom is doing by screaming at you is hurting you. I feel your pain...
     
  3. Totesgaybrah

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    I'm so sorry you are going through this Guff, it certainly seems like your parents care more about their own social bubble than they care about your suffering. Is it possible that they don't understand how much you are hurting?

    Don't worry, if you want one you will get a boyfriend no problem, you are young and those scars will fade.

    I'm sorry that you live in a place that people would abandon you and your family just for being gay/having a gay family member, are you sure this is not just non rationalized fear from your parents?

    I wish I could help, please keep us updated and please take care of yourself.
     
  4. Quantumreality

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    Hey Guff,

    There is actually a lot of positive in what you wrote, albeit it largely depends on your perspective. You’re absolutely right that this is a lot for you to think about and you don’t have anyone other than your counselor to talk to about this stuff IRL. Keep writing about it here. At least you can get support from people here on EC that understand you situation and it can help you to organize your thoughts. And definitely see if you can get in to see your counselor more often, at least for the near future.

    This is a time of massive change and transition in your life. You are going through changes dealing with being a teenager and becoming a man. You are in an environment that is openly hostile to your sexual orientation. You have depression and have been suicidal. You have/had other health issues recently. Your mom has been extremely unsupportive.

    It’s terrible that your parents are making this more about themselves than you at this point. I think you can understand their concerns – you’ve shared some of those same concerns in your threads here. But, of course, the way they went about it was very disappointing. It should have been a discussion between you and them, not a directive from them to you. This is really all about YOU, not THEM!

    Some thoughts:
    (1) Your parents told you that they love you and will support you. When you posted threads before Coming Out, one of the biggest concerns was that they might disown you. They didn’t! AND your Dad has been very supportive (even if he needs education on what it means for you to be homosexual).
    (2) Clearly things are changing between you and your parents – and generally for the better. I know you are frustrated and just want things to be ‘settled’ (you might even have thought from time to time recently that it might just have been better if they had disowned you and thrown you out on the street), but progress is being made. Your parents are still trying to understand and accept this new reality for themselves. The fact that they are talking to you about this is definitely a positive. But it will take time. This won’t suddenly be resolved overnight. Take the small victories day to day and move forward.
    (3) See if you can get your parents (yes, both of them now) into some counseling with you. At this point, it looks like it might help to have a third-party adult supporting your position so that your parents actually listen to YOUR concerns.
    (4) The fact that, according to your parents, they have as much to ‘lose’ as you do if you Come Out to the community, sounds like you have an advantage over them. You’ll have to be careful about playing that card, but I bet that in situations where they frustrate you to an extreme – when you feel like you’re hitting a wall, you could tell them something like “I’m just so frustrated that you won’t listen to what I’m saying. This seems to be going nowhere. Maybe I should just Come Out to the community.” (Or words to that effect.) I bet that THAT would get their attention.
    (5) Do you have any relatives somewhere else that you can go and live with? It sounds like your parents might actually support getting you out of that community now. I don’t know if that’s a real option for you or how comfortable you would be with the idea, but just getting you out of that toxic environment could be a very good thing for you.
    (6) When your parents say that they will support after you leave home, does that mean that they will help pay for your college? How would you feel about working with them (or at least your Dad) on finding a college and a possible field of study that you may be interested in pursuing?
    (7) Changing your social media may not be that big a thing. After all, it sounds like you won’t have anyone in the community that you will really want to stay in close contact with after you leave.
    (8) Self-harm scars aren’t going to stop someone from loving you. Scars also fade with time and can be diminished in other ways. I have a friend who had really bad scars on his face and neck from a terrible vehicle accident when he was a kid in which his parents died. He had no trouble finding a wife and having a half-dozen kids. There is also internal scarring – that too can heal with time. Don't assume your scars are going to keep you from finding happiness in your life.
    (9) If you left the soccer team for health reasons, that wouldn’t affect your other electives, would it? I mean, if you told your Dad (honestly) that you don’t want to play anymore because of your allergies to the artificial turf, that wouldn’t affect your other electives, would it?

    Keep taking it day by day, Guff. We’re here for you!

    Stay strong, my friend!:slight_smile:
     
    #4 Quantumreality, Nov 16, 2016
    Last edited: Nov 16, 2016
  5. DAFriend

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    Sounds all too familiar except, at 17 I left home fore similar reasons. I also have a good friend that left home at 13 for similar reasons.

    I'd be saving money, getting a part time job, making plans to get out ASAP and, if that means quitting electives and the volunteer teaching, so be it. Honestly, those things won't matter in a few years anyway.

    What will matter is the scars hiding and lying about who you are leave and, the mentality that something is wrong with you because you are gay. NOTHING is wrong about being gay, it's just how you are.

    Be selfish, do what is good for you on a personal level.
     
  6. Barbatus

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    Hi Guff,

    From some of the other threads here it seems pretty common for parents to worry about the social impact on their children of coming out, specifically bullying seems to come up. In your case, there seems to be a lot more of social impact for you and your family because of the conservative environment you are in. While I agree with the others that your parents are thinking about the impact on themselves and your siblings, they probably think they are protecting your family as a whole (including you) from being ostracised by your community. So I'm definitely not saying they are right or doing something good but just trying to point out how they might see it. If you think this might be how they are looking things you could point out that this 'protection' is not going be helpful in the long run and talk to them about what will help you.

    I think Quantumreality's suggestion about seeing what support they would give you to go to university. That is probably the best and easiest way to get out of your community. His point about getting counseling with your parents is also a good one, it might help them see things more from your perspective.

    Don't worry about the scars, not only will they fade but most gay people will totally understand that you've had to go through a lot, not just coming to terms with your sexuality to yourself but doing so in a hostile environment.

    Finally, it may not seem it but it is progress. When you put up your previous posts you didn't think you would be able to even talk to your parents about being gay, let alone have their support (even if it is qualified) so it's a big step. Now you can talk to them about it and you know they are trying to support you. You might just need to give them some guidance about how things affect you and how you see things from your perspective. Anyway, hope you are well and feeling more in control of things. :slight_smile: