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Complicated relationships? Need some advice

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Alder, Nov 20, 2016.

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  1. Alder

    Alder
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    I have a close friend Heather. I think I might have a little crush on her, but we can ignore that for now. At some point not long ago Heather mentioned to me and a few of her friends that she likes this other girl.

    I also have a friend named Lily, who's not as close to me. Lily basically called me and told me that she has had feelings for Heather for a long time now and asked me what she should do.

    Well, I couldn't tell her that I think I might be having a little crush on Heather too (not anything serious enough to get in the way, it's just inconvenient). I also didn't want to automatically tell Lily that Heather likes someone else because a) I'm not 100% sure if Heather still does and whether she'll continue doing so, and b) I'm also not sure if Heather wants me telling anyone about it, and she's a close friend and I don't want to break that trust.

    So I basically told Lily that she needs to talk to Heather. Many of my experiences of never telling anyone if I have feelings for them just hasn't turned out well. Lily was really hesitant and she kept telling me that she just wants to wait and see how things work out and not say anything, but part of me is not sure if there's a chance of Heather liking Lily back. So I kept insisting to Lily that she needs to tell Heather and have an honest to god open conversation about how she feels and how it could work from there on out.

    My dilemma here is that I don't know if that's the best advice. I don't feel right telling Lily that she has little chance and that Heather probably likes someone else. I don't feel right telling Heather that Lily likes her because that might make a bigger mess - plus I'm 100% sure Lily wouldn't appreciate that. And it's not like Heather can do much if Lily doesn't bring it up.

    I don't know what else I can do. I did my best to try and convince Lily to be honest about it because I think that's the healthiest way to go, but I'm not sure if she's going to follow any of my advice. I just feel guilty because I'm withholding information from both parties even though it might make a bigger mess otherwise. What else can I do? Did I do the right thing?
     
    #1 Alder, Nov 20, 2016
  2. Cinis

    Cinis Guest

    I think you did right in trying to be a good friend to both of them and not breaking their trust.

    Maybe you could ask Heather how things are going with that other girl that's not something unusual to ask. If she says that things are going well I'd tell Lily that she probably shouldn't try now. You don't have to tell her that Heather is into someone else bit it could be helpful to let her know. If Heather's crush is over or things are going badly I think it'd be ok for Lily to confess.

    Either way even if Lily confesses and Heather still gets together with another girl things probably won't end as badly as you think they will.
    Also: Whatever happens it's not your fault. You didn't create this mess and you've tried your best to help.
     
    #2 Cinis, Nov 20, 2016
  3. DAFriend

    DAFriend
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    I agree, you did the right thing. I learned long ago to keep my nose out of other peoples' relationships unless they directly and, bluntly ask me to intervene for some reason.

    Now that is an exception with my BFF but, we tell each other everything. Yes mutual crush thing going on but, it isn't going beyond that and we know it, though we do joke around worse than most couples do with flirting and innuendo and such. We are also the other's biggest cheerleader for a good date or talking to the new attractive person either of us has found, etc.... and we point out people we meet or see that we know would be attractive to the other. That's just the kind of friendship we have, totally open, totally honest and, totally able to be ourselves with each other.

    That's a rare friendship to have and, it takes a lot to build that kind of trust with another person when you know it's never going beyond friendship. You were right not to violate any trust with either, that's how you build good friendships.

    As far as liking Heather goes, if you think your friendship would be safe, even admitting a crush, then go for it but, I don't think a crush is worth losing a friend over.
     
    #3 DAFriend, Nov 20, 2016
  4. Alder

    Alder
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    Thank you to both of you :slight_smile: It's pretty much resolved now but your advice helped. Cheers.
     
    #4 Alder, Nov 22, 2016
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