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How long is too long to get texted back?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by zeroth, Nov 20, 2016.

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  1. zeroth

    zeroth
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    If you text someone and don't hear back from them in a "reasonable" amount of time, can you assume you're just not a high priority in their life?

    My situation: a guy I've gotten to know online first, then irl, is getting less and less reliable on getting back to me. Before, we texted just about every day even if just a little bit. But now his response time might be a few minutes later, a day later, 3 days later.

    We were hanging out recently and he got a text from someone he didn't want to be bothered by at that moment. He commented that he'd get back to them later, kind of putting that person in their place by not responding right away. I thought it was to show me that our time was important, that he wouldn't let someone else interrupt us hanging out. I was kinda touched. But now with his recent delays I can't help but feel that I'm being put in my place too.

    I'm not expecting instant response here, but if I text him "Hey, how's your day been?" in the afternoon and he doesn't respond for 2 days, and then with some vague "I was busy, I was tired" or no explanation at all... It even sometimes seems like he's not reading them until that moment of response, which is kind of worse actually.

    Texts are instant these days, and to say you're too busy or tired seems like a lame excuse for "I really didn't want to bother with reading your message and texting you back because the 2 minutes it would have taken was too much."

    My philosophy is if someone is important enough to you, you make the time and effort. Even at my busiest I can't imagine not responding to him for more than a day because I'm literally not so busy that I can't get back to my friends. Even when I don't feel like responding I might take an hour to get back to someone. But not days.

    He's all I got, though. My only gay friend really. I'm working on getting out there more but I'm a pretty solitary person, mostly closeted. I can get along with just about anyone but connecting, really connecting, easy flow of conversation, that kinda thing, is really rare for me. When we do hang out it seems like I'm important to him (or at least I like to think so). But then... days to respond. So now I'm starting to mute notification from him because I'd rather have to check to see if he wrote than know for sure right away that he didn't. I hate it but I do it.

    Sorry for the ramble. I know what the signs are pointing to, but if anyone has any thoughts or stories about this kinda thing I'd appreciate it.
     
    #1 zeroth, Nov 20, 2016
  2. DAFriend

    DAFriend
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    Some people cannot use thier phones at work except on break and, that is only for a few minutes. If you aren't in a relationship with him, then he may only have time to answer a few messages at a time and, that's just where yours is on the list.

    He may also go out with other people and then, yeah, he should ignore text until he is free. it's rude to be out with one person or group and texting other people in a lot of people's minds.

    I do agree that beyond 24 hours is a bit too long, even if it's just a "I hear you, need to think about this." sort of reply. Of course I do have a couple of people that get ASAP replies and, one that gets instant replies no matter what I'm doing or the time of day or night but, there are reasons that one needs to be on the instant list. Most I get back to within 24 hours, that's reasonable to me.
     
    #2 DAFriend, Nov 20, 2016
  3. aeva

    aeva
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    I'm like that too. My best friend is my absolute favorite person on the planet and I adore talking to her. And quite often, she'll text me and I forget to respond for several days. Has no correlation how much she means to me.
     
    #3 aeva, Nov 21, 2016
  4. richr

    richr
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    My personal view is that if someone does care about you, like you and place you at a certain level of priority, they wouldn't take that long to respond. This is simply because they care and actually want/like to communicate with you, unless they have some pressing issues to deal with at the time. It doesn't sound like your friend is having issues though...

    I feel that 2-3 days once or twice is stretching it but still sorta understandable -- people can get really busy sometimes -- but beyond that it just comes across like they can't be bothered but feel obliged somehow, so they leave it to the point where they feel pretty bad if they don't respond. This is just like how people procrastinate when they have to do something they don't wanna do/dislike doing.

    When people treat me like this, and I struggle to find any excuse for them, I just push them towards the back of the queue in my life/just forget them. I even do the same thing to them -- if they take 7 days to text me back I'll take 7 days or more to text them back or not respond at all. If they can't be bothered then the friendship/relationship just isn't going to last anyway, so what's the point of investing any more time and energy into it?
     
    #4 richr, Dec 19, 2016
  5. resu

    resu
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    Just ask him what's happening, and don't rely on texts for important conversations. If he can't schedule time for real meetings, then texting is not the main issue.
     
    #5 resu, Dec 19, 2016
  6. Creativemind

    Creativemind
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    There could be some other reasons behind this:

    - He could be at work or at a family meeting where texting is not allowed.

    - He could be driving, so answering immediately would be too dangerous.

    - He could be introverted. Introverts like me sometimes can't stand talking to people every day, even our most loved ones. I sometimes take 1-2 days off from responding to people just so I can recharge.

    - He could be forgetting to answer. He might not even hear the texts going off, sometimes my phone doesn't notify me so I have to respond late.

    - He might dislike texting as communication and prefer to talk on the phone or in person. I personally hate texting as a real convo and will only text people for important stuff (like hey, can you pick this up at the store?). I will reply to be polite, but I find that people asking me how I am via text every day is annoying as hell and I wish they would just call me if they want to talk that badly. I don't like having to spend all that time waiting for texts when I'm trying to do my own thing.

    Or as you said....

    - He could have lost interest in you but is too polite to say so.

    Just ask him and figure out what's going on. Not replying to texts frequently isn't automatically a red flag unless they refuse to call and hang out as well.
     
    #6 Creativemind, Dec 20, 2016
  7. Poppy43

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    Sorry hes not interested, you need to move on.
     
    #7 Poppy43, Dec 20, 2016
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