This is kind of a complicated situation, so I already know I'm going to get really wordy and rambly in an attempt to explain it. I apologize for that in advanced. I have this one friend who is "straight" (I'll explain the quotation marks later). I met her about a year ago, and I had a pretty big crush on her for a time... but since she had a boyfriend, claimed to be straight, and I wasn't out to anyone IRL at this point, I tried really hard to move past it. It was difficult at first, especially since I got the vibe that she might feel the same way. I mean, nothing major happened between us during that time span... It was mostly small things that I was over-analyzing. But eventually, after several months, my crush on her faded. Something worth noting is that she was really curious about my sexuality before I came out to her. She would ask my friends about it, and asked me about it once too, but I dodged the question because I wasn't ready to tell her. A couple of months ago, I came out to her. I was extremely scared when I did this, because she is "straight", and up until then I had only come out to gay people. When I did, she explained that she is not entirely sure about her sexuality, and that she thinks she would kiss a girl if the moment ever arose. Originally, I was afraid that coming out to her would result in distance between us. Oddly enough, the reverse happened; she started complimenting me more, touching me more, etc. This is relevant because recently something kind of strange happened. I was over her house and we were both laying down watching a movie, when suddenly she reached out and pulled me closer to her. This came totally out of the blue. She didn't really say much, she just extended her arms and brought me towards her chest to cuddle me. I was kind of shocked by this, so I just let it happen. My head was on her chest, and I could hear her heart... I'm still shocked by how fast it was beating. She ran her fingers through my hair and made some not-very-platonic comments (stuff about my pretty / cute, me smelling good, my hair being soft, etc.) but I was so confused about how I was feeling that I really couldn't reciprocate. We were facing each other, laying down, and she started to brush my hair out of my eyes. She looked at me kind of meaningfully, but I shied away from eye contact. You may be wondering why I was so non-reciprocative. Well firstly, I'd like to be clear that she wasn't violating consent or anything. She would ask, "yes or no?" before doing certain things (like as she put her hands through my hair, on my neck, on my back, etc). So she was being really considerate of my boundaries. But still, I did nothing in return. There are two reasons for this: A. She has a boyfriend! I swear, it felt like if I did anything to her back, we were going to kiss. It was such an intense situation that I felt like if I did anything that even implied reciprocation, she would have taken things a step farther, and I was scared about what that step would entail because I don't want to damage her relationship with her boyfriend. B. I don't understand how I feel about her. I don't have a crush on her anymore... at least not the same way I used to. I recognize now that if we dated, we probably would not last, because although we get along really well as friends, we also have a lot of differences (different senses of humor, different tastes in entertainment, slightly different socio-political view, stuff like that) and so I don't think we'd do well together. But I do feel a sort of attraction to her... like I'm not averse to the idea of cuddling her or even kissing her if that were to happen. So I guess it's mostly physical? That's why I never tried to stop her during the cuddling thing. When I left for the night, she kissed my cheek. She has never done that before in the year that I've known her. And I'm scared of this happening again, because I don't know what I want. A part of me doesn't want anything to happen between us, because of her boyfriend and the fact that a relationship between us would probably fail. But part of me kind of does. So if I get into another situation with her like that, I don't know what I should do! It feels like either way, there will be regrets on my part. I'm sorry if this all seems childish, haha. I am still young, and I've never kissed anyone before. This was also my first time being this close physically with another girl, so it's left a pretty big impression on me. It feels like I'm having a gay awakening all over again, hahaha. Thank you for reading all of this. I just needed to get it off my chest. If you have advice to share or anything to say, please do!
When somebody tells you they like the way you smell, while running their fingers through your hair, they are into you! Most of the rest of the signs add up to that too. At your young age (not to be patronizing) of course you question your first-reactions... you don't have any other experiences to compare them to. That's why you come here. Now, except for the existing boyfriend, the coast would be clear for you to reciprocate more. Because either she just plain crushes on you (the simplest explanation) or she is a very devious person toying with you (let's hope not!). Give her points too, for asking yes/no as things progress. She sounds like a considerate person. And you sound like a responsible person for thinking I'd kiss her but what about her boyfriend? I can only recommend something that is so simple but so hard: asking straight out in plain English. Something like "It was very romantic/exciting/emotional holding you the other day. I wanted what I think you wanted too -- to go farther. But what about <insert name here>?" If you wait until the next similar situation (arms wrapped around each other, temperatures rising) it will be very hard not to just get swept along. Of course that's what we all want, but talking about it beforehand really doesn't ruin the excitement, if it happens. And if it shouldn't happen... well you should know. Hope this helps somewhat. Reading your story my heart goes "yes! yes!" so I can just imagine how yours felt. But our heads need their say too.
Thank you for your response! I've been thinking about this a lot, and I think you're right... I think she really does like me, and I'm only doubting my perceptions because I've never had something like this happen to me before. I didn't even realize this until you said <insert name here>, but I don't even know her boyfriend's name! I feel like this is telling of her relationship with him... she never talks about him with me or any of our mutual friends. One of the only things I remember her saying about him is that he is boring, and that their relationship is also boring. She also hooked up with someone else earlier this year who was not her boyfriend. She was really remorseful about that and told him immediately, and he forgave her, but all of this makes me believe that she is unhappy with him and is just reluctant to acknowledge that. The whole thing that happened between her and that guy (not her bf, the other one) also makes me worried about anything happening between she and I. What if she is only interested in me because she is frustrated with her actual relationship and is looking for ways to escape it? What if she's not interested in me, but the idea of me? The idea of not being in the relationship she is already in? As you can see, I have a lot of fears. I guess, in the end, all I can do is try my best to manage and overcome them. I'm still not even sure if I really want anything to happen between us. I think I am still just shocked and overwhelmed since that whole incident happened like three days ago. I'm still grappling with my feelings and trying to understand what I really want out of my relationship with her. I think once I figure that out it may be easier to go forward from here. Thank you again for responding. I really needed to tell someone about this. Your response has definitely soothed me a bit. For the first time since then I feel like I will be able to sleep tonight
