First up, I'm not really asking for advice here because I know what's going on. I thought I'd make this thread to put the topic out there and perhaps get some sort of discussion going. My aunty called my mum today exasperated and upset over the behaviour of one of her friends. I know the daughter of this person and I thought we all got along really well. However, the mother kept asking my aunty questions she felt were private, such as why I don't like going out or why I don't have a girlfriend, somewhat insinuating that she thought I was gay. My aunty doesn't know I'm gay* but she felt the questions were simply inappropriate and nosey. I've had to deal with this sort of behaviour a lot though. Coming from a European background, and with most of the family friends also being of a similar background, it seems that socialising and having a relationship are really important values and the moment someone just happens not to like them people get suspicious. I don't really get how people seem to think that not liking those sorts of things could mean someone is gay. I mean, I definitely think one having to deal with accepting their sexuality can be an isolating experience, but ultimately going out clubbing and being active in that way comes down to personal preference. My immediate family have even been guilty - from the moment I turned 18 I kept getting encouraged to go out and get a girlfriend, despite me not being interested. A small reason for my decision to come out to them was indeed to stop all the nagging, and subsequently it has. I kind of hate that, in my case, being gay could be seen as the explanation. It's even worse with the extended family. I really wish people understood that there aren't really any significant behaviours consistent with being gay: there might be gay people who don't conform to some gay stereotype, and there might be straight people to whom that stereotype does apply. I feel like the younger members of the extended family understand this, but when they happen to meet the cultural expectations I guess many of them don't feel the need to question the status quo. Ultimately, I'm comfortable enough in my own skin to do whatever I want and I don't care too much about what other people think, especially if they're not close to me. It used to upset me more but now I kind of feel the problem has been palmed off to my immediate family, who might be receiving these sorts of questions. Can anyone relate to this? If you want, I'd love to hear your stories. * Spoiler NB: If you're curious as to why my aunty doesn't know I'm gay, it's because my immediate family and I made the decision not to tell extended family unless I found myself in a long term relationship. The extended family won't accept me simply because they don't have to, and it's going to lead to my whole immediate family being disconnected. I kind of feel that it's not necessary to cause this sort of hostility just yet, and them not knowing I'm gay essentially has negligible impact on my day to day life because we're not very close with them. As it is we're not really getting along with them and we might just naturally grow apart further. Howvever, my immediate family will support my decision if I change my mind. With all that said though, this aunty of mine would probably be the most supportive person in the family (initially she would've even beaten my immediate family) and if we were closer and the circumstances were different, I would've come out to her first.
I know exactly what you're talking about. My parents were SO SURE I would be a lesbian, but they insisted on asking me if I fancied any boys. I fancied some, sure, but my gender prevented me from pursing them. I needed to get that sorted out first, but they thought it was sexuality I was figuring out. Even after I came out as trans, my mom asked me if it meant ''I loved girls now''. Mom... First, I never talked to you about my sexuality, and second, boys can like boys. Now, I'm mostly stuck with my family ALWAYS asking me when I'll get a boyfriend/girlfriend. I don't think they understand how hard it is.
One thing I've noticed once I achieved acceptance from my immediate family was that my mother started nagging me again, although it was about having a boyfriend. While I feel very fulfilled and happy single, and would like others to know that, I felt my mother's behaviour was a positive step forward because she wasn't treating me differently based on my sexuality. I guess it also helps that I would love to try being in a relationship, if things happen to go that way.
Yeah I totally understand that. My experience was somewhat different in that I basically moved states, came out to myself then one of those apps which led to some interesting experiences and lots of driving. Then I came out to my ex gf and finally only in the last couple of months wrote a letter to my immediate family about who I am. They all treat me differently now but I was always getting hassled by people family and people who I worked with about why you don't have a girlfriend. You should always date blah? Or "you like vegetarian food you should date an indian girl" Always real blatant pigeonholing. I am actually annoyed with myself that I am gay as I always wanted to be the straight guy that liked musicals so as to not conform to the stereotype..Sigh.. I don't know if that helps at all.
I can understand being annoyed with yourself for being gay, in that respect. As I said in my opening post, I kind of hate how me being gay validated their warped perception of my behaviour. Like, the fact that I'm gay actually has very little to do with why I'm like this.
