My first opportunity

I usually don't do this but I highly suggest you read this.

http://emptyclosets.com/forum/famil...king-relationship-simpler-than-you-think.html

I'm halfway through it right now and it is immensely helpful. I think it would cater very well to your situation too. It talks about approaching strangers in public, how to ask if they're gay and all the way to asking them out on a date. It's very detailed and it's super insightful.

 

Hey Astrocyte,

In the particular situation you described, that is a good indicator that he liked you. The two of you making eye contact (especially if it was extended eye contact) and smiling at each other - especially multiple times - would be a good sign that you should have introduced yourself to him. He was probably inviting you to do so, but when you didn't he probably figured you weren't interested.

Could you have gotten up the nerve to introduce yourself? If he responded positively, could you have asked if he'd like to go get coffee (or something simple like that) with you?

Just some thoughts.

 

Well, if you’re going to meet other guys in situations similar to that, one of the two of you has to be somewhat forward.

But if you are both making serious eye contact and smiling at each other, that’s generally a signal. In a gay club or bar it would absolutely be a signal for interaction. In the general public, guys generally don’t go around making long, direct eye contact with other guys and smiling, so it’s still a strong indicator – although he could have just been a very friendly, outgoing guy. Multiple eye contacts and smiling like you describe indicates that he likes you, but until you talk to him you won’t know if that is just as a friend or potentially something more.

Like I asked before, could you have gotten up the nerve to introduce yourself? If you could do that, you could gauge what to do next based on his reaction. If he smiles and introduces himself, in turn, you can move on with the conversation. If he looks shocked that you approached him like that or doesn’t even bother to return the introduction, you can just walk away. No need to feel embarrassed.

 

I hear that loud and clear. But, as a rule, that type of person doesn't invite anyone else to approach them by looking them in the eye and smiling. They generally acts standoffish from the start.

Worst case, if he acts shocked or unwelcoming to a simple introduction, you could look confused and say something like "oh, I'm sorry. I thought you were a friend of my brother's/sister's/roommate's/etc. You looked a lot like him from over where I was standing." And then just wander off away from him.

You could have a line like that prepped just in case. Would that work for you?

 

Sure, that could work, too. Do whatever is comfortable for you. But, like I said, people that would react violently to being approached even by someone wanting to introduce themselves aren't at all likely to be sending you friendly signals to begin with.

Bottom line is: nothing ventured, nothing gained. And a few moments of conversation that could lead somewhere or end up with a little awkwardness would seem to be a small price to pay, wouldn't you?

I've had great random conversations with people on trains. Often it leads nowhere, other than passing some time and enjoying the conversation. But I've never regretted taking the initiative.

 

Astrocyte,

I also think there's an element of gay culture here that may be worth noting - cruising etiquette. You are young enough that you've always had mobile apps and social networking to help connect, but before these existed the kind of eye contact and interaction you are describing was "an essential skill" to meet other gay men. When gay men were less "out" and before technology allowed easy connection, we had to cruise just to find each other.

This was at the same time both thrilling and dangerous. You would have the thrill of possibly meeting someone, but at the risk of gay bashing or other form of harm. Today, I don't believe harm is as much a factor, but the thrill is still there! Even with modern technology it's a great idea to know how to break the ice when you see someone.

What I'm trying to say is this - be observant of potential interest in you, and know how to signal interest in others. I think prolonged eye contact is a very reliable sign. Another is looking back at someone after you pass them. If he looks back at you, you very likely have a connection!

As for breaking the ice, I would have a simple plan. You might do one of these:

- Say hello and give them your name.
- Ask them how their trip is going (say, if you're on a train or plane).
- Ask them how their day is going.
- Compliment their jacket or something about how they look. Be careful with this one so you don't seem too forward or creepy.

These are all "open" questions that don't typically get a yes or no answer. Because they're open questions, they invite more conversation and follow-up.

Basically, I would break the ice by asking them something about the experience you share (such as the train ride) or asking them something very pedestrian about themselves. Everyone likes genuine interest.

I'm not sure I wrote that very clearly; I hope you get the gist. You'll get more comfortable as you do this.

Warmly,

Patrick

 

Patrick makes some excellent points!

I'm even more old-school than he is. LOL! I don't use modern apps, so I have just learned to 'know' and read certain signals between individuals such as we have talked about on this thread.

Personally, I was never worried, one-on-one about personal violence because I am trained to put more harm on someone than they can generally do to me. But I've never actually ever even had to physically defend myself in actual practice when simply approaching anyone. I'm not generally an aggressive person nor do I seem outwardly aggressive - unless you really get me riled up. LOL!

But Patrick laid out a very clear, classic approach that is both generally unoffensive and also getting to the point if the guy might be interested in you 'that way.'

 

No I don't think there is any assumption that you are just looking for a hookup. With an encounter like this, you're just looking primarily to make a new friend and see where ti goes from there. Maybe you make a new friend. Maybe there is bf potential. Maybe you have a pleasant conversation and never see him again.

If the other guy is looking to just hookup, I think you'll see some obvious signs from him and you can decide whether or not to pursue that or to just break off the contact if it becomes uncomfortable for you.

 

Quantumreality makes a good point - by the signs you see from him, you should be able to infer what he's interested in. By the same token, be mindful of the signs you give him. If you break the ice by complementing his appearance you may signal one thing, but if you ask how his commute is going that's a very different icebreaker. Where your eyes are and the length of your eye contact will be another signal to him as well.

To me, there's no reason not to signal physical interest if that's what you want, but there's a fine line to being tacky. On the other hand, you need to be fairly forward to signal any kind of interest and get past the usual personal space that people keep, especially in public.

Patrick