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Dumped for not coming out to my family

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Troubled man, Nov 27, 2016.

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  1. Troubled man

    Troubled man
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    I need advice because I'm heartbroken.

    Background: I'm 23, my family is ultra conservative and religious (dad works for church) and everyone in my family, even my extended family, has openly talked down upon gays (calling them fags, being repulsed, wishing death). I've always known I was gay and have always been hurt by what they say, but I never dared to speak up because i love them and am scared of losing them or being disowned/hurt by them.

    I came out to my friends on the day marriage equality was passed in the US and now all of them know I'm gay and love me all the same.

    About 6 months ago I started dating a guy and everything felt perfect, I was truly happy. We got along really well and he knew I was closeted from my family but didn't mind at the time.

    Now fast forward to last night ---he was upset because he feels like he's a secret. I told him all my friends love him and there's no reason my family should be that important right now. I said that coming out to them is a personal choice, and it's more about me than it is about him. He sees it as me being ashamed of him when really I'm just ashamed of how my family will see me if I were to come out. I told him id come out when I feel like a successful human and can prove to my parents that being gay doesnt make me a screw up. But he saw it as empty words.

    In the end things got heated and he dumped me cus I said he was overreacting. Now I'm heartbroken. I want to be with him but if my parents are a deal breaker I don't see how I can have him take me back without coming out, and forever changing the way my parents treat/see me.

    Am I being insensitive to his feelings?
    Or is he overreacting?
     
    #1 Troubled man, Nov 27, 2016
  2. oboe

    oboe
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    Was it a very heated argument lasting just a few minutes or was it something that was bothering him for a while? If you guys were truly happy and loved each other, then I do believe he definitely did overreact. But don't accuse him of overreacting.

    Give him some space and strike up a conversation with him again. People make irrational decisions when they're angry. Try to find the root of the problem and why he is so pissed instead of putting the blame on him.
     
    #2 oboe, Nov 27, 2016
  3. resu

    resu
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    I think he was too stubborn. You have known him for only 6 months, and he should understand that it's a big deal to come out to homophobic family members you've known your entire life.

    He should know it has nothing to do with being ashamed of him, and you should tell him what you told us. However, you have to understand that people who are out (IMO, coming out is a continual process) will find it hard to go back into the closet for anyone. Some will be more tolerant and willing to wait, but not everyone.
     
    #3 resu, Nov 27, 2016
  4. Astrocyte

    Astrocyte
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    I think this is an important point to raise. Some people might feel that love means you would do anything in the world for someone, and it's a bit difficult to feel that way when one member is still closeted (even if their reasons for being so are genuine, such as yours). I don't know enough of the backstory here but if you're after a relationship there's going to have to be some compromise: you'll either need to work on your situation to make sure you can offer to be the best boyfriend you can be, or ideally, find someone who is at the same stage as yourself (that way you could offer each other mutual support). Otherwise, your boyfriend will need to be supportive of your circumstances, but if this is something they've dealt with before and are just over it, they're not obligated to help you out (even though it would be nice).
     
    #4 Astrocyte, Nov 27, 2016
  5. OGS

    OGS
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    I hate to say it but my gut instinct after reading the post was to say that he shouldn't have dated you to begin with. I don't mean that in any harsh way but just in the sense that others have mentioned where it's hard for someone who is fully out to date someone who isn't. I for one have never dated anyone who was closeted and never would. It's just not compatible with my vision of myself to be someone's dirty little secret--and I know that is how I would feel. And you really don't get to decide how someone else feels. My guess is that he thought he would be alright with it and found that he wasn't. It sounds to me like when he realized that he tried to discuss it with you and, even having only seen your side, it does seem to me like you were pretty dismissive of his concerns (in particular I really hope that you didn't actually tell him that it wasn't about him). I'm really sorry you're having a hard time of it but I can't honestly say that it doesn't seem likely that it will be an issue again when a relationship starts to get serious...
     
    #5 OGS, Nov 28, 2016
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