Reassurance I'm not a complete jerk

Hi everyone, this is a warning that the post is going to be EXTREMELY long, but I could use your opinions because I have been left uneasy for the past week.

About a month ago I was on a dating app and I typically have my age preference set for 19-25 year olds. However though, I got "curious" and then put the age preference up to some ridiculous age just to see what men were on the app. I was swiping left for basically everyone until I came across a very good looking 44 year-old (lets call him Bob). His profile intrigued me and I was definitely physically attracted to him... so I said, "why not" and swiped right for him. Of course, we matched. I then decided, "Ok, I'm not going to message him first." Not too long after, he messages me first.
Side note: When it comes to a long-term relationship, I am interested in men my age typically. I am certainly not seeking older men and am very attracted to men my age, but I will admit I am also attracted to some men much older than me.

Anyways, we end up chatting, clicking on many levels, and I was interested in getting to know him better. We set up a date for that weekend (about 5 days after communication started) and it did happen. We went for sushi and he showed me a few gay bars in the area. Things went well, I enjoyed spending time with him, and I was happy I went on the date. Well the night was winding down and he invited me back to his apartment. He showed me around, introduced me to his roommate, and we talked for a little. Once the conversation got dry, I knew either two things were going to happen: 1.) we were going to do something sexual or 2.) I was going to go home. Well, the first one happened. We ended up having sex that night.

Another side note: I thought we may be having sex that night, but it certainly was not definite. Even after dinner, I did say to him "You don't have to invite me back to your apartment" because he did mention he was going to show me it when we were texting a few nights prior. He joked around and said, "Who said I was going to?" I just want to make it clear sex was never a definite.

So after that night, I really felt a connection. I went home and sent him a text along the lines "Thanks for tonight, I had a lot of fun." He responded nicely and I didn't know where things would go. Well, for 5 days after the date / sex, he basically ignored me. I would text him first everyday and wait around for a reply. I'd be lucky if I got a response hours later and the responses would be very curt. I didn't understand what I did wrong and why I felt this connection anyways.
Well, it may make sense that I had a connection because it was only my second time having sex. But after 5 days of him giving me no attention or time, I hit my boiling point. He did not respond to me for hours, but I saw he was online on a gay sex app. I sent a long text, told him I'm done, deleted his number and our messages, and attempted to move on. His response to that all was "We only went on one date" and he asked "Why I was pushing him away?"

So, I gave up and decided I'm never going to message him first again. I kid you not, one day after I was done with his crap, a 20 year old guy (we can call him John) I met before Bob messaged me (John and I had not talked since I met Bob). John was really sweet, we could chat for hours, and he is a really good guy. So now, John and I are reconnecting. Well, one day after John texts me, Bob starts messaging me first everyday. He shows interest in me, says he cares about me, etc... This is all after a week where he did not give me the time of day.

So now, I am chatting with both John and Bob (which I already feel guilty about even though I'm not in anything committed). Bob (44 year old) now talks about trying to make things more serious and for some time, I consider it. But then I realize the age difference is not going to work for me and it also WILL CERTAINLY NOT work for my extremely overprotective parents. Yes, I am 21 but they still have a very tight grip over me. One night, I am forced to tell Bob I cannot pursue anything serious. He is sad and annoyed and I assume we are done.
But then days after, he continues texting me saying he wishes that was not the last time we met up.

And (this is where I was wrong) I told him I felt the same way. I do care for him and I do have feelings for him (I tell him this), but I also tell him I cannot provide him with a relationship that he is looking for. So, we decide on no strings attached / friends with benefits. We talk about having sex again, etc.
Yes, I am dumb because I still bring up feelings and how I care about him, but I thought we understood this was not going to work and we would seek elsewhere. The feelings stuff is true - I did feel a connection, a relationship just wouldn't work though.

John (20 year old) and I end up going a date last weekend and it goes well. The date ends with us making out (nothing further) and I want to see where things go with John. So, now after talking with Bob the day before about having sex again, I feel I should tell him about John.

Well, I tell Bob and he flips out. He gets mad, tells me to delete his number, says I am a liar talking about "my feelings" and how I care about him. We exchange texts defending ourselves and he escalates this to the point where:
- He calls me a f***ing whore
- He warns me to stay away from the area he lives.
(I call him out on this threat and he replies with... "Stop being dramatic. You're not hot enough to go for jail for.") <--- That is quite a sadistic comment if you ask me

Yes, the texts were hostile. I never called him a name or anything. Honestly, I was hurt by the name-calling and I was really annoyed / mad with him. I think this was all a big miscommunication. I understand I was wrong to continue talking about feelings and telling him "You're one of the hottest guys I have seen." All the stuff I said, I meant. I did (do?) have feelings for him and I think he is one of the hottest guys I ever met. But I still was wrong to say that stuff.
However, does this give him a right to attack me like this?

After a while I stop responding to him (this all happened last Sunday). Monday hit and I felt awful. I didn't know exactly what I did wrong (other than the feelings thing), but I still felt awful. I figured we were not in a committed relationship and I had the right to pursue other people, just as he did. Apparently to him though, I was cheating.

Things with John (20 year old) and I never went anywhere. A few days after this whole debacle I ended things with John because this was all too much for me to handle. I needed a fresh start and unfortunately John was now intertwined with Bob in my thoughts... if I thought of John, I also thought of Bob. I texted John a few days ago saying "I'm sorry, but I cannot see us as more than friends." John never found out about Bob and I also didn't want to put him in danger. John seemed to be really hurt because he really liked me after the date.

Bob lives in a highly gay-populated area of a large city. Many gay bars are in the area and it's basically the "gay mecca" of the city he lives in. Yesterday was actually my first time in his part of the city since this argument with Bob over the phone. I legitimately was in fear at points I would run into him - I don't know if it was fear, but I was definitely nervous. I don't think Bob would actually do anything physical, but I fear him doing something mean-spirited such as having one of his friends hit on me as a joke.


Okay, so, sorry for the long post. But I want to know: What do you think of this whole thing? I know I did many things wrong, but he is also at fault right? The day after our argument (this past Monday) I sent him a long apology and he said he did not accept my apology. I never responded to that message and we have not talked since.



Another side note: There were warning signs of him not maybe being the nicest. At the restaurant, which I know he frequents, he was somewhat rude to the waiters because they tend to linger too much. Still, I find it rude. He took his phone out 3 times and texted during our date - I find that plain rude and he gave no explanation why.
Also, he has had relationship problems in the past. Men have cheated on him in the past and he opened up about this to me, so that is why I think he was so hurt by me.
He also knew I am not experienced whatsoever so I think he never expected to get hurt by me. But I must repeat, I thought I was not hurting him. I know that sounds naive, but I figured we were not in something committed.

Last side note, he was in a 7 year relationship with a guy 10 years younger than him; I think that ended about a year ago. However, his last boyfriend before me was an 18 year-old guy.
I have read many things on here saying that men going for someone that young [when he is that old] is definitely unordinary and a little worrisome. I of course ignored all your great guidance and got myself caught in this sticky situation. I did notice after all this that Bob made me feel like a child often - it was as if he was better than me because he was older than me.

The craziest thing about this all: I still think about him often. It's only been a week since the whole thing and I WOULD NOT return to any form of friendship or anything with him, but I still seem to think about him even after all the crap he put me through. I really can't explain it.

Anyways, thanks for reading this novel and I look forward to hearing what some of you have to say. This was enough drama for me for years (especially because I NEVER have drama in my life) and I decided I am going to take an extended break from dating after this all. I am definitely not in a state to be dating or seeking anything at the moment honestly.

 

Hey everyone, I understand the post is long (probably too long). But if you have time, I would appreciate you reading the situation I was in and giving me some opinions. Thanks!

 

Well firstly, thank you everyone for the responses. I talked to friends who all sided with me, but I needed some impartial individuals to hear the situation and help me evaluate it. You all have many questions and I hopefully answer them all. I am glad to know though Bob's response to this all was out of control.

Zeroth, I am happy to say I am done with him. I deleted his number, deleted our messages, and have no intention to be in contact with him again. I overthink everything and have thought about "What would I do if he messaged me?" I have decided I would just ignore it and not respond. While Bob was sweet 50% of the time, he was also a jerk 50% of the time and I definitely do not need or deserve that in my life. Your post was absolutely worth it and helped me. You being tough on me is what I need. If I ever attempted something with him again, I would be foolish... actually, stupid.

Truna, when he first told me about dating an 18 year-old, I was caught off guard, but for some reason I did not think much of it. After discussing it with a few friends, him consistently going after younger guys is worrisome and as I said, he made sure I knew he was older - he basically made me feel like a child. I was often called "passive aggressive" and he would often get mad at me for my overprotective parents.
Additionally, I understand I did fall too hard for him. I am now starting to realize I think my "feelings" were actually just an attraction. I thought about this a lot and if I met someone with Bob's personality who was not good looking, I would not like this person. This means I didn't have feelings for Bob. I was extremely attracted to him and having sex on the first date (and it only being my second time having sex) caused me to feel a connection to him [that was probably never there in the first place].
Also,I do think you are right about me being a "rebound." Thinking about it now (I just realized this), he did say to me at one point that I reminded him of his 18 year-old boyfriend. The 18 year-old broke up with him and maybe he was never really over him and I was just a rebound.

AlmostBlue, you hit it right on the head. After I told Bob I could not give him a relationship, I stayed for his attractiveness which I now know was not right on my part. But you are right that I told him I could not give him a relationship and we explicitly said "no strings attached." He obviously still saw it differently and then this is why he got mad at me.
I also didn't mention (because I got so tired of typing - lol) that Bob got jealous and started messaging me again (after originally not showing interest) when he saw me on the gay sex app he was also on. This is where I believe he is manipulative and a hypocrite; he was not happy to see me on the app even though he was on it. Looking back, his mindset really does not make sense to me.

Why couldn't I get in a relationship with Bob? The problem was my familial situation. As I mentioned in my original post, my parents have a very tight grip over me. I live in their house so even though I am 21, I do not go out often and this is likely why I have little experience. Bob had problems with the 18 year-old because his parents did not approve (and the 18 year-old told his parents Bob was 23! Imagine he said 44!). I considered talking to my parents, but I was not ready to strain my relationship with them for a 44 year-old guy that I do not know too well. So, I explained to him that I could not give him a relationship - it would be unfair to him and I could not give the serious relationship he was looking for. This is when he texted me the next day and brought up "friends with benefits."


Now, to answer ALL of you: There are reasons why it did not work out with John. As I said, John is an awesome guy and the date went great. However, we did have differences that I felt would not work in a relationship. I will not go into detail about them, but after the date I had a feeling I could only see him as a friend and nothing more.
I will admit the whole situation stressed me out, but I feel John and I would not work even if Bob was not in the picture.
And unfortunately, I have to consider at this rate, that any boy I'm with would be in a little danger in Bob's part of the city. As I said, that is gay hub in this area as all the gay bars are located there. I am not going to avoid the area, but I do not want to put a guy in danger because he is hanging out with me. Call me overdramatic, but I would rather be safe than sorry.

Thanks again for the posts everyone. You all helped me realize I truly did dodge a bullet.