It's so confusing. Last few years went by so fast I couldn't even feel how I became nearly an adult. I'd been through a lot. Loss of a parent, abuse, self acceptance, work. I came out to my family and lost my virginity... But all of that seems like a flash now. Everything seems to be developing so fast. Seeing all of my classmates changing over the years and becoming responsible and mature people, chilling out with their friends and succeeding in life. Unlike me - alone, doing nothing but wasting my time playing games and avoiding reality. I can't keep in touch with anything, I'm stuck in my comfort zone. Coping with life and processing what's going on around me just drains all of my strength. I got fat, my grades dropped. I feel worthless. I'm ugly, nearly friendless, my will is weak, I'm lazy... I started getting suicidal. And still am. Why was I even born? To suffer and go through all of those hardships? I don't really share these thoughts with my mom, I don't want to worry her with myself. She might think I'm just oversensitive and spoiled. In public, I might appear calm and collected but on the inside, I'm a complete mess. Trying to make friends and be like the mass but miserably failing and feeling like a complete awkward idiot. And I find it hard to explain all of the stuff that's going on in my head and that's why I keep it all to myself. So many thoughts about things I cannot change or questions I can't answer. I'm imagining myself maturing, having a job, finding the one. But in reality, I'm completely stuck. I'm still the one I was several years ago. I haven't progressed much since then. But time doesn't care. It keeps going. And I'm slowly losing all my sanity while witnessing the inevitable change. I don't know if I stated my question but... I'm dying on the inside. How can I cope with the change, how can I change myself, how can I stop thinking about stuff that I can't change? I know all of that sounds pretty messed up but I can't put it in a clear way because this is how I feel in my mind. Messy, all over the place, confused, sad.... stuck
