I've got this friend that I really like. We went to different colleges but we've kept in touch. Not seeing each other in person, we've become less and less good friends. Last time she wrote to me was in October but she wrote to me today when I asked about how her life was going. She told me that she quit school and that she was on antidepressants. That was the least thing I would have expected. I told her that when we'll see each other, I would be all ears and that I really miss her but I don't know what else to tell her. I thought that she would prefer to talk about her hard situation in person so I didn't bring the subject directly. I don't have a huge knowledge about depression. If she's on antidepressants, does that mean that she's going through depression? What can I tell her to help and support her? The thing is that I don't want to question her so that she feels offended but I've thousands of questions in my mind. She went to another town so I can't go and see her whenever I want. I plan to see her during the Christmas break.
As someone who has had depression I can tell you that it's nearly impossible to help. You need to battle the black dog yourself and no one can join this fight. The problem is: Telling to fight or useful advice will be seen as offending. Most of ideas that are actually good will be ignored for being "too hard". Yes, fighting is very much harder than lying on the ground and get torn apart but it's the only way out. Maybe figure out what she likes (ex a certain band) and drag her to that concert.
This is from experience also...depression meds can take a couple of months to work. Sometimes it takes some time to find one that works for you. The first one my doc put me on just made me cry, the second one worked. Still have a few down days no and then but nothing like when the demons visited daily. Let her know you are there for her and anthracite said take her to lunch/movie/concert ect. and when you don't see her in person call/email more often... Take care Dean
In my opinion, doing something fun with her would be a good thing to do. If she doesn't want to, it helps if you persuade her because we sometimes need a little nudge (or a kick in the ass) to do something. If she wants to talk, don't give any advice because you aren't qualified enough and don't know what depression feels like. Just listen, tell her that you're there for her and that she should tell you if you can do anything for her. That way you don't push and offend her but you show her that you care. Sometimes a hug or having someone who just listens can help already to make you feel better. Or just a bit of distraction. Yesterday my friend and I went shopping and it just helped to go outside and do something with someone nice. We didn't avoid the topic, but it was casual like you would talk about a broken leg and we had a lot of fun. I also finally bought something I wanted to buy months ago but never had the motivation to buy. So just by being a friend and doing stuff with someone, you can already help a lot! As a person who was recently diagnosed with depression and is on antidepressants, I can only tell you what helps me and you have to remember that everyone is different. But I'm sure she'd appreciate distraction.
I simply don't agree that you cannot help somebody with depression, because it's a lonely fight against the "black dog". In actual fact, you can help a lot by simply listening and being kind, warm and supportive. In many cases people who are depressed don't feel as though they are listened to or accepted at all and that's one of the root causes of their problems. Listening doesn't mean being completely passive and saying nothing, but it does mean being attentive and responding to what you are hearing and not being afraid to ask questions to help you understand. It also means resisting the urge to offer quick fixes or talk about yourself. By all means go out and do something nice with your friend, if she is willing and able, but don't use it as an excuse to avoid the topic of the depression. It's true that antidepressants take time to work and in most cases they only take the edge off the worst symptoms. Talking/therapy is, without doubt, the best way of treating depression and as a friend you can facilitate that process by just being there. Most importantly, look after yourself. If you are the sort of person who takes other people's worries and concerns on board very easily, you may need to practice some self care too.
Patrick has it right. Chronic depression is biochemical, so someone can't just 'think their way out of it' any more than they can 'think' their way out of diarrhea. The good news is thatif tends to be cyclic,andmost episodes don't last over 6-9 months. The best thing you can do, which, over time, helps to change the biochemistry that causes the depression, is be there with empathy. Go down in the hole with your friend, tell your friend that you want to be there, and even though you have no solution, you want to listen and support and help any way you can.
I definitely agree with Patrick as well. I have clinical depression and while I chose not to take antidepressants, I can understand a bit of what your friend may be going through. The main thing I would say to you, if you want to help her, is this. Be there. So much of the pain of depression is the feeling that you are totally alone. Not only this, but there is exhaustion in nearly every area of one's life. This often prevents people from wanting to "talk about it," because it is possible they think no one understands them or cares enough to notice. Try to learn more about what brings her enjoyment and do those things. Even something as simple as having coffee, taking a scenic walk, or seeing a film. This would show consideration and care on your part. I think it admirable that you are going to such lengths to understand your friend's situation. You seem to be a compassionate person, and a good friend.
