I've recently started seeing this guy that I met on a dating app. Our first date was amazing, and I raved about how great he was to all my friends afterwards. There was totally some sort of connection between us: we sat on a bench on the park and he put his arm around me and I got a little, uhh, excited (if you catch my drift). We saw each other several times after and everything was fine. This was my first real date(s) with a guy, so it was a big deal for me. BUT. (You knew there was gonna be a BUT; this was going too smoothly). I am now finding myself pushing him away and trying to avoid him and dodging my friends when they ask about him. They don't understand why I'm acting so distant when they saw how good we were getting along before. I get really anxious whenever I think about it now to the point of just diving into a spiral of depression. I've done this before to another guy who was into me (pushed him away, ignored him until he gave up on me). I don't think I'm afraid of commitment -- that's what I want. I want a steady boyfriend to be my ride or die. I believe my problem lies in sex -- and that's what I need you guys' feedback on. I am very insecure about my body/looks, low confidence, low self-esteem, etc. I feel so unlovable because I don't love myself and I won't let anyone else love me. Part of the reason I'm still a virgin is because of this. I think as our relationship is budding and the expectation for sex increases, I become more distant as a protective mechanism. I'm really starting to believe the whole "you can't love someone else until you love yourself" because I am becoming a living example of that and it hurts like hell. Imagine wanting something so badly and you finally start to get it but at the last minute you sabotage yourself. I can't tell if I'm just not that into him anymore or if it's just my anxiety playing a trick on me trying to protect me. He's cute, smart, caring, funny, etc, and I STILL can't get over my anxiety. I'm starting to feel like this is how I always will be (liking people until they like me back then pushing them away) and that makes me lose hope for my future. I don't want to spend the rest of my life missing out on basic human connections that come with having a partner. Anyway, sorry for the long rant. If anyone has some advice or insight into my situation, please reply. I'm quickly losing hope in myself.
Can't you at least be honest with your date about this before you push him away completely? He deserves to know what's going on before you ghost him You sound like you're being too hard on yourself. I don't know what you look like, but there's a type out there for everyone.
I agree with Creativemind. Can you be honest with him about what's going on? If you really like him and there is sexual chemistry going on, then he needs to know that he's your first. To me this would be all the more special and would make me want to take extra care loving someone, not drive me away. I think if you "come out" to him as a virgin, you'll find that he understands. As for your body, sex and love wouldn't be as special if everyone had the same type of body. Whatever he sees in you he can't get anywhere else, and that has everything to do with who you are physically as well as emotionally. It sounds like he's into the whole package not just one thing or another. Try to let him appreciate you and trust that his appreciation is genuine. Patrick
I've already told him I'm a virgin and that he's my first. My biggest fear is not being good enough for him both sexually and just in general because of my lack of experience and being rejected over it
Hey As Patrick and Creativemind have said, you have to have open, two-way communication with him. Sex is only a small part of any real, long-term relationship. If you love him and he loves you, sex can come at whatever pace you are comfortable with. But you have to talk to him about it and be straightforward and honest about your concerns and desires. That can strengthen your relationship. If for some reason he doesn't return your feelings as strongly as you feel about him, you'll probably find out in a relatively short timeframe, but if you want to have a long-term relationship with ANYONE, open communication between the two of you is a key to establishing such a relationship. Just some thoughts...
I'd like to echo everyone else above. What you should communicate to him isn't only that you are a virgin, but the second sentence of your response: How you feel vulnerable and insecure about not being able to please him. This feeling is both natural and unnecessary when with the right person, and maybe he can show you that you are worrying unnecessarily. To reject him based on your low self-esteem is not only hurting you but him. It's in a sense disrespectful to him to assume that he will not find you attractive or that he will be bored with you. That is for him to decide and not for you to prejudge.
As others suggest, be honest that you have a anxiety about your sexual inexperience so he isn't confused. Likewise, don't assume you know what he's thinking. You have to start somewhere, and it's far easier with someone you trust. Also, do what you're comfortable with at the time so you gradually gain experience.
Another thought comes to mind - If you're comfortable, make your virginity part of the relationship and ask him to help you experiment to find out what you like. When a curious or inexperienced guy wants to experiment that's a huge, huge turn-on for me! Within the context of your relationship, it would be a milestone of growth and trust. If you trust him, ask him to help you find out what you like. Communicate openly during sex too so that he knows your boundaries and what you like. *feels like Dr. Ruth* Patrick