Hi I guess this is a pretty common problem, but I need to type it out and would be really grateful for your advice. There's that girl I do voluntary work with. I haven't known her for a very long time, but we have already developed a wonderful friendship. My problem is that for me, it's growing into more than a friendship. I like her a lot and by now have a full-blown crush on her. I have a few reasons to suspect that she might be lesbian/bi as well and even like me back. However, it's nothing obvious. It might as well just all be in my head. I am afraid that the way she treats me will change if I come out to her. Things are even more difficult, because I haven't come out to anyone yet. Anyway, here's the clues I have picked up: 1. She once mentioned that she thinks gay relationships are more present in the media /art than lesbian relationships. 2. During a group discussion about an lgbt+ related topic, she got suspiciously quiet, through she normally is a very outgoing person. 3. It seems like she is very comfortable spending time with me (which might just be a friend thing) and when we get to see, we usually spend a lot of time with each other. 4. When we spend time together we tend to have a lot of body contact (e.g. resting our heads on the others shoulders/legs, sitting close to each other, just casually touching more than necessary). We both initiate it equally. However, I don't know if that is something she does with all of her friends. It's especially difficult to judge because the group we are normally in, is quiet touchy-feely in general. However, she told me that she normally does not like body contact that much and that the group we hang out with has "infected her". What do you think? Does she like me back as more than a friend? Should I come out to her as pan and see what happens? What would be the best way to do so?
In my opinion: It is impossible to know for sure until you do something about it. Being simple: You can think about "what if she likes me? What if i ask her out?" or you can get past the "what if..." and see what happens. Have you considered asking her out for a coffee, maybe? Or peraphs you want to be more direct and come out to her first, and then ask her out? Of course, it is never easy to do things like this, and they not always work. However, you never know what will happen until you try it.
I know it's a bit selfish to talk about one's own problems in discussing somebody else's. But... this (quoted) is the mistake I have made more than any in my romantic life. And the source of (too) many regrets. I think the fear is understandable but an overreaction. Of course there are two steps here: coming out to her and coming on to her. And you're right, those have to be navigated with care. But my overall advice on this is to remember the Gretzky rule "You miss 100% of the shots you don't take."
Try to overcome your fear of coming out. Homophobia is the real lifestyle choice, and chances are that your friend has a personality that would not be hateful. Coming out is also a way of signaling you might like her.
