Strange Relationship

I'm going to try and be brief here. Basically, I met someone I really liked and initiated a friendship. Few months later, I realize I am in love with this person.

This is where it gets strange. We accidently ran into each other one night, and ended up talking. They kept "teasing" me about why we met that night. I said that maybe I just needed some company, but whatever answer I gave was "no, that's not it." Until I finally confessed that I loved them. When I knew, that they did not care.

Was I just totally played? Why would this person even care to know about my feelings, when they had already told me how they felt about any relationships?

It is hard for me to maintain a friendship now with this out in the open. I wasn't going to say anything because it just adds another level to things. And makes me super frustrated!! I want to see them and I don't want to see them because it hurts.

Any advice? :help:

 

Hi Quantumreality,

Once I confessed, they told me they knew I liked them from the moment I asked them to hang out (true enough...I just didn't realize the depth of my feelings until later). I just felt odd that they were so adamant to know my real feelings, when they told me before in conversation that they aren't interested. Which they reiterated after said confession.

I guess a better word would have been "led on" not played. They made me think they were interested by their initial behavior, then slam me with "I don't want any relationships." I told them if they weren't interested in any, and knew I liked them, they could never have started talking to me in the first place! And yet, I can't help thinking that they might have some feelings, just by the way they act around me. Maybe they are just confused? I don't know.

I still see this person. They have a weird schedule, so we don't get to meet often. It is always on their terms or by accident. I love being with them, but it just crushes my heart.

 

Hi Quantumreality,

They treat me the same. And I still do want to be their friend.

The truth is they claim to be indifferent to everybody. They told me they don't care whether they have friends or not. They say they don't have feelings. Yet, they respond to my writing to them fairly promptly (they RARELY write of their own accord) and will spend time with me when they can/want to. They even treated me to a casual meal (post confession). In the past they often initiated longer "hang out" times by prolonging conversations.

I am just really confused. One minute we are having a good time and I'm getting a "gut" feeling that there might be something more here, the next minute everything is like a door getting slammed in my face. :bang:

I'm just trying to understand them better, but they don't seem to want to let me in. They never even ask about my life, and if I mention something personal in conversation it doesn't seem like they are listening half the time. It is always esoteric topics/questions...and I'm the one asking them!

 

Thanks Quantumreality.

It is good to get someone else's opinion on this. It'll take some more serious thinking on my part. I just wish I could get some sort of blaring sign that would clear this mess up! Wouldn't that be lovely?

Until then,

Thank you very much.

 

Oh, the signal was just a moment of wishful thinking! I'm not holding my breath.

The thought of mental illness related issues has indeed crossed my mind, as I am pretty aware of those sorts of things/behaviors. So, I go by their "rules" as to what they will/won't do (for example, they hate it when I suggest going anywhere together, so I let them do the inviting. I figure that way they are in their comfort zone.)

I think I will just try to reign my emotional self in, and see where things go from here.

Cheers!

 

I am sooo frustrated!

We were e-mailing again, and I just can't seem to get anywhere. It is like Q & A, except I'm always the Q. Always. When I say I can't think of any more questions I get told to "think harder" or "ask the right questions." I can't keep this up. Any relationship is a give and take, right? Sometimes in person I can trick them into talking more about themselves, but this only lasts so long before they start the "ask me questions bit." And a lot of times I dead end there too, because they do not have an opinion on the subject/won't delve into any possibilities, etc. And then as any good listener, I end up paraphrasing what they said to make sure I understand. They can get impatient quickly, and do not like to repeat themselves.

So, I deleted all the messages I have accrued over the months and am not going to initiate any contact. I'm worn out. I feel like I am throwing all my energy and love into a giant void. This is not what I want, even though I really care about this person. And if I stay around them, I'm not going to be able to move on.

Such a mess. I find myself beating myself up for even trying to start a relationship with this person. That in itself is hard for me, as I am socially anxious. I really am not the type to initiate any human contact.

Anyway, this whole thing is taking a toll on my health. I realized all this is making me feel physically sick. I need to create distance, even if part of me still wants to hang on.

*Sigh* I'm so miserable.

 

Thanks again Quantumreality.

I've been very confused, and your feedback has been so helpful to me in getting a clear perspective.

You're my emotional champion right now! :lol:

 

Ok, so I realized I may have to run into this person soon. I have a standing appt at the place where they work...and I am kind of freaking out! I am trying to think of excuses to try and go somewhere else. Should I just face them, or run away? There is no guarantee I would have to speak to them, but I would see them. I am trying an "emotional vacation." So maybe seeing them so soon would be bad.

Yesterday was great, but today thoughts of them keep slipping into my head. I tell myself no, and try to move on. Then I find myself scanning cars as I go for a walk! Needless to say my day is full of a lot of no's and headshaking. I remind myself that they said they have no need to understand me, and that I don't think I mean anything to them at all.:icon_sad:

 

Poppy, Anthemic...

Thanks for your responses. It is the kick in the butt I need. By all standards I shouldn't want to be with this person at all...they are horrible. And I am realizing that. I don't know why I put up with them at all! I admit they can be quite charming when they want to be...but that is just a tad psycho right? What with everything else...

I'm through. It is hard. But I am through. I just feel emotionally used. And I agree with you Anthemic. I think they are just getting an ego high.
And I AM NOT A TOY. I want a real relationship, not someone who is going to play with me at their whim. It is just extra rough because it was the first time I thought I had a chance with someone...

Well, I'm done whining. I am going to pull up my bootstraps and move forward. There is bound to be someone better out there who will appreciate me for who I am.

Thanks again to everyone who has helped me on this thread. As the Black Veil Brides song goes "Goodbye Agony!"

Cheers,

Sebby45

 

[/QUOTE]
You are very welcome! I'm sorry you're going through this. I didn't know if this was a proper assumption to make, but this person honestly sounds a bit like a psychopath. I know that's such a harsh word, but they show a lot of the signs. (I'm not saying they definitely are, because I'm not a doctor. It's just an opinion.)
- This person told you they don't care whether or not they have friends or not, which makes me think they are antisocial.
- You said that they only half-listen to you when you talk about yourself, which makes me think that they are self-centered.
- They appeared charming at first, which is a big sign. People like that are extremely good at being charming, because they have their eye on a prize. They use their charm to reel you in. In this case, this person is probably using your feelings as a prize for their own ego boost. I mean, what normal person tells someone to ask them questions? To me, that seems narcissistic; like they have some sort of pompous self-worth.

Has this person ever taken money or materialistic items from you? Not as in stealing, but easily accepting gifts?[/QUOTE]

I did give them a small present once. I had to ask them to come to my place to get it, because I didn't want to bother them at work. They were suspicious until I told them it was just to give them a gift. Then they agreed to come over. And later on they gave me a small something as well. But, I am really starting to think that I got reeled in by a "psychopath." And frankly I am a little bit nervous about that. Especially since we live relatively close to one another.

When I'd visit their workplace they would listen in on my conversations and even join in occasionally. They gave me several compliments and seemed like an interesting person. Even the first time we hung out they were very enthusiastic. They gave me all the signs of being interested. After I learned more about them I tried to break off the friendship, but then I felt like it was my fault and crawled back again. :icon_redf That was a stupid mistake. I should have listened to my instinct before I got more involved.

I mean, they have only ever called me by my name twice! And that was on the same day I asked them if they would like to hang out sometime. Never a hello, never a goodbye. It is as if I really don't exist, unless I am feeding their narcissistic ego. I can't believe I was such a sucker.

---------- Post added 14th Dec 2016 at 05:07 PM ----------

Hmmm...quote went wonky. Sorry.