Disowned by my Parents

The first thing you should do is recognise how far you have come despite them. When people are rejected in the way you have been rejected it can have such a detrimental impact that all relationships become impossible, but that hasn't happened in your case. You are a strong person -- stronger than you perhaps realise, and you have succeeded in meeting someone special, making a home with that person and holding down a good job. More than that, you have married the person you love because the elected lawmakers in your country (the representatives of society) recognise your sexuality and relationship as valid and important, even if your narrow minded family doesn't. You haven't buckled or retreated into a lonely, shame ridden existence, but have pressed on with life and discovered what happiness means and you should be so fucking proud of yourself.

I think there comes a point where we have to let go and say goodbye, when, despite our best efforts, there is no sign of respect or compromise coming back. We have to do it physically and mentally and I think you haven't yet gone through the full mental process. Will it be hard? Yes! Letting go is always a very hard thing to do, but until you resolve to do it for good you will remain in this loop.

You have every right to feel angry + all sorts of other emotions and you absolutely should talk about all of these things. It's interesting that you said you blocked 90% of it out and later mentioned that counselling hadn't worked for you. Would you concede that you even blocked some of it out while you were having counselling and might that be part of the reason why it didn't work? Forgive me if it sounds like a challenging question, because it's not intended to sound that way, but counselling is highly recommended in moving beyond this sort of trauma, but it hasn't worked for you. Just trying to understand why that might be? Could it be that you felt vulnerable when you were rejected and now fear being vulnerable again (possibly with the exception of your wife).

I can't offer a specific fix for you Lynz, but I would urge you to remain focused on what you have achieved and gained, more than what you have lost. It sounds like you have a lovely relationship, supportive in-laws and good friends and colleagues who want the best for you and that's not half bad. Are you open to the idea of counselling again, even if it's paid for privately?

Sending hugs (*hug*)

 

I don't think it's about love. Deep inside they do love you as every parent loves their kids somehow. Try to understand: They have been brainwashed all their life. It's not their fault and neither it's yours.

Let your anger out somehow. Maybe do a martial art and every time you hit the punching bag think of the sociopath that brought life to this ideology and therefore caused your and other families to break.

I am very sorry for you and can't think of a way to undo indoctrination. But I hope for you that the day will come when they turn to a more tolerant religious leader and you can be a familiy again. Until that, maybe stop contact but offer that your door will always be open in case they realize that you're not a sinner, but born this way and do no harm to anyone.

 

Yeah... I'll never understand why so many straight couples are so ready to have children, but not ready to accept their children. It makes no sense. People aren't toys to be picked up one day and thrown out the next.

I don't know. My dad hasn't spoken to me in a few years now since he learned I was gay, hasn't legally disowned me but did stop talking to me and cut off child support immediately. Same explanation of "Jesus" too. I'll never understand it, picking a backwards ideology over your kids. It hurts. My mom decided to stick around though, so I at least have one parent who still cares about me. I can't imagine losing both.

Stay strong and don't let their ignorance get to you. I know it's hard, but it's healthier to think about the positive things. Think about the people who really care about you. Sometimes the best way to ease the pain is not to think about it.

 

This isn't answering the question you asked, but it's a question that popped into my head as I read your post.

Why on earth would a person as wonderful as you want such hateful people in her life? You sound like you're doing pretty darned good for a person who has been through what you have. You've adapted and overcome the adversity of your family. I feel sorry for them. If they are Christian, do they actually think that rejecting a person pleases Christ? Do they think the damage they have caused you pleases God?

"Why"? I think they misinterpreted what they've read (if it's Christian, of course). I would say that putting a child out on the street is pretty up there when it comes to sins. We are told that before we can remove a splinter from someone's eye, we need to take the BOARD out of our own.

YOU are a down girl... so strong!

Be blessed, darlin'! Congratulations and when these thoughts pop into your head, let your happiness push them out.

 

Sweetheart, you can ask me anything you'd like. Yes, I am a Born Again Christian. By the way, so is my son!! My first emotion was "FEAR". My child is trans which I learned would involve surgery and that's where I freaked out. I was gutted thinking of the pain my child was going to subject himself to, the possible complications, possible poor outcome. My fear was extended to how others would treat him. I was concerned about the danger he would be in from fanatics or nutjobs who feel it's their mission to rid the world of sin!

From what I've read, there's hardly a thing we can do that isn't sin. Smoking, swearing, drinking, gossiping, fighting, being angry.... etc. Whether being in the LGBT community is among that which is "sin", I don't know. I know what the old testament says, but I also know Jesus!!!! I learned that there isn't a human on earth who is sinless and not one sin is greater than the other. Anger is as bad as murder!!! What kind of hypocrite would I be if I turned away my child as I lit up a cigarette! God gave me this child. God made this child in His perfect image.

Jesus gave us one "order", one "rule".. "LOVE ONE ANOTHER".

Here's the deal... it was tough when my kid came out. I started praying immediately and what I prayed for was that God take this feeling from him if that was HIS WILL. I have to assume that since my kid is still transgender, it wasn't God's will to take that out of him. No? I knew there would be no way on earth I'd ever turn him away even though he thought because of my religion I would. I'm like.. wowwww.. I screwed you up BIG time, kid. He did realize as we talked that I've never given him any reason to think that I wasn't on HIS side 100% throughout his life and nothing would change that. Even asking God to take the feeling from him was being on his side because I didn't know what God thought about it and I was concerned for his salvation. In all of my soul searching I came to realize that this is between Jake and God.. not me, Jake and God. It's my job to do what was commanded of me... "Love one another", and to take care of my child. Whether I do a good enough job of it or not is between me and God. I'm going to love my child no matter what and if I have a hard time with things, well, that's my problem and I'm not going to make Jake suffer for it. I have to be honest.. I ragged on him more for the nose piercing!! lol

Anyway.... my biggest concern as a Christian is that Jake maintain his faith. He's going to need it more than ever dealing with being transgender and I don't mean how he sees himself, but how to deal with those who feel they have some right to condemn him or even hurt him. It's going to be hard for him to maintain "loving one another" when some of those others are his enemy.

I have a sister who sees herself as a very devout Christian and she has a huge problem with this. Oh.. by the way, she's my kid's godmother! She was disapproving and angry and frankly sounded too self righteous for my blood. I think some people cherry pick how they will follow Jesus and I think most of us get it wrong. Some people are all into preaching hellfire and brimstone. That's just not the message I ever got! We've dealt with being rejected too because of religion. If I'm wrong for loving my child, let God tell me because I have a hard time trusting another sin stained, gossip filled, hate fueled human when it comes to what God thinks. Yanno?

Sorry for the ramble. If you have any direct questions.. please.. feel free.

Frankly, I don't understand how a parent thinks they are pleasing God by rejecting their own child... no matter what they think is right or wrong. I understand the difficulty in explaining who my child is to others who question me asking "I thought you had a daughter named Jessi... who's this Jake". Well... I have to answer that question and roll the dice and yes, I've lost family and friends but I will go to my grave knowing that my child, for the rest of his life, will know that I always chose him over everyone else!! In my eyes.. none of them are good enough to shine his shoes!

 

Kira... this touched me. I understand why so many think that Christianity is a "backwards ideology". It is because the way it is represented by some very vocal evangelists. You're right, it doesn't make sense. Frankly, I never read a word about Jesus telling me to abandon my child or any other human being. We were commanded to "LOVE ONE ANOTHER". Above everything else, that is the most important. For people who claim that it's because of Christ that they abandon their gay child I say.... if you consider that child your enemy because of his/her sexuality, what say you to scripture when we are told to "LOVE OUR ENEMIES"?

I don't think the ideology is backwards.... I think the way some people interpret it certainly is. They don't get it... they aren't getting a faster track into heaven for their deeds............ good OR bad. Ya can't buy your way in. The only way in is to BELIEVE that Jesus is your personal Lord and savior. If I'm to believe that this is a personal relationship, I must also believe that when I read scripture, I'm getting the message that is intended for me, in my situation, in my personal life. Therefore I have no desire to follow the sheeple who claim to know just what God is thinking. I'd rather follow God and get the message HE sends to me.

I think it is MORE SINFUL to turn people off of God because He says all are welcome. No human can know God's heart but we all have been given a good insight as to Jesus' heart... and hate wasn't in there.

 

Just out of interest Lynz, what religion do your parents/family follow? If they are Christians are they Catholics, Baptists, Church of Scotland, Methodists, Episcopalians?

Some people see faith and homosexuality as incompatible, but many do not. We have a number of forum members who are practicing Christians and are openly gay (I'm one of them).

Within every religion there are people who adhere to a very strict and unwavering interpretation, based entirely on scripture (like your family), but there are just as many who look beyond words to the realities of life and place as much emphasis on reasoned thinking and practical action. I suspect you would have no issues at all with people like these. You may even like them!

I don't want to fill your head with theological stuff, but I do know that we move on in life when we confront issues and it sounds like one of the big issues with your parents is the hateful narrative they spewed about religion. I'm guessing it went something along the lines of... "Homosexuality is a sin and God hates it. You will go to hell if you follow this lifestyle". Maybe they quote passages from scripture to ram the point home?

To what extent have you examined what they told you? Have you confronted the narrative they spewed in any way? Have you ever really asked yourself why and how some people of faith arrive at completely the opposite view to your family? If you haven't, it may benefit you to look in this direction and confront the narrative. If you think it might help, I'm happy to talk to you through private message about it.

 

((((Lynz)))) Cry it out darlin'... take some deep breaths and get some rest. God loves you. Your parents cannot control that! We can chat about anything you'd like, wherever you'd like when you are ready. For now, keep in mind that your parents abandoning you served NO ONE's will but their own.

Be blessed!!!! (*hug*)

---------- Post added 19th Dec 2016 at 05:41 AM ----------

GREAT post!

 

I can really understand that you can't see why you're supposed to pay for it. I would totally feel the same. That's sadly the way it is. Love is always conditional. And parents don't bake their kids. Sometimes I think it would be better if there was a kid exchange program. Your parents could have someone that is naturally a religious fanatic and whatever and you could have the parents that would rather have you than a sheeple-child.

 

Like she said, fam... Be your gay self and be fuckin PROUD of it.

 

Glad to see you are feeling a bit better. I do need to say out loud that I am far from perfect and can't accept that. I am an imperfect, sin stained human. I am a work in progress. I don't want to give the wrong impression. I am just grateful that God is giving me the chance. I don't think that God "allows" or "disallows" bad things to happen to people. I think He gives us free will to behave the way we choose... to "go where ye lest". I think your parents have chosen their path. I also think that there's a chance God will tug on their heartstrings and they might pick up the Bible and read it again and get the message that is intended instead of just regurgitating someone else's views. It's a "personal" relationship. God won't force them though. He doesn't want a bunch of robots.. we have to want the truth and go looking for it.

Hahah.. ok. I'm having this epiphany here in the USA for the last year. I'm a registered Republican who never thought to jump ship until our new president started spewing his hatred when he announced his candidacy. Republicans don't own Christianity. The same with the Catholics. lol They don't own it. The Catholic church may have their own way of doing things (raised by a Roman Catholic mother), but for all the good there may be, there also may be a heck of a lot of misunderstanding and wrong. I have NO IDEA what God thinks. I pray for HIS WILL, not mine.. because mine could be way off base! lol

Psst.. He pulls on our heartstrings in HIS time, not ours.

Be blessed, darlin'! (*hug*)

 

Honey, family is family, but only to a certain extent. You didn't abandon them; they abandoned YOU. Sometimes, we go through life wondering why people only see us for one aspect of ourselves, and it's tough that it had to be family. They really, really should have been there for you, and they weren't. It's honorable of you to want to go back and resolve past wrongs, but sometimes, all you can do is move forward, and it really is for the best.

I wish you great happiness.

 

Hi, I know this is an old thread but I thought you might like to hear my experience with recovering some memories. I completely cut my abuseive mother off last year, and it was heart wrenching. I don't want to get into a lot of details about it but after cutting her out some memories began to come up. For example when I was 14 I started saving money so I could get away when I was old enough to survive. I didn't buy a lot of new clothes or CDs or anything, I worked almost a full time job and participated in a lot of church activities so I wouldn't be at the house. And I put almost all my money back in a bank account she didn't know about. When I was 16 I made a mistake and got arrested. For along time I didn't know where the money had gone. I assumed I must have spent it, but I couldn't remember what on. A few months after I cut her off I was ruminating on things she had done and why it was really important that I not let her back in. In a rush a memory came to me of her with me in the car at the bank forcing me to withdraw all my savings and give it to her. Looking back that was a moment that broke me, made me feel that I would never be free or survive on my own.

The second memory came this summer. It was a memory/realization. I've had a very bad fear of needles and doctors for a while, that I think I know the origin of but had never internalized why it was so bad. My mother used that against me as a kid/teen and would schedule medical test coincidentally along side times she was unhappy with my behavior. I knew this but couldn't really put it together internally with my fear. Anyway I had to get blood work done unexpectedly and didn't have the panic meds my doc had prescribed on me. I was sitting there trying not to cry/faint/throw up in a big upcoming panic attack while waiting on the lab to get on with it already when it hit me hard that she was no longer in my life and couldn't even hurt me by scheduling medical test against my will again. It was just suddenly real that she couldn't hurt me and why I was always so afraid.

The reason I'm telling you this is that trying to remember what had happened to the money, or calm myself for medical tests never worked for me until I was really ready to not just let the feeling of hurt go, but to let that part of my family go as well. I have no idea if its similar for other people, but thought you would like to know how it's been happening for another person. Not often that you find someone willing to talk about the subject at all, thanks for sharing.