My old bestfriend came back into my life and so did my love for him. But he has a gf!

Hey everyone. I really need help and I thought what better place to ask than here. I appologize in advance for any grammar mistakes or the long post, because when I write I write a lot.

Anyway. When I was young (I think around 10 years old) I moved into a new small town where I quickly found friends. One of them is a friend I will call JACK. He was 2 years younger than me, but we got along really well. He was my best friend.

As you grow, kids / teenagers start talking about love and girls and stuff you know? Well I wasn't like that. I was pretending I liked girls in front of others, even going as far as kissing them, having sex later on, but didn't like it and feel anything. I was looking at boys. One of them was also my friend Jack. In one way I really looked up to him. While we both weren't the typical popular kids (He especially liked taking time for himself a lot), he was braver than me and I wanted to be like him.

But what made me like him a lot was that I thought he was the same as me. Gay. And while I didn't accept me being gay at that time, it made me feel much better knowing someone I know is too. Why I thought this was because I discovered my fetish (Which I won't say here) really young and I think Jack found out I had it. He would touch me in that way probably knowing I was excited. He also liked to massage me, hug me when we went camping and slept in the same tent. He would put hands around me, he would sometimes just lay on top of me hugging me and sometimes he would sit on my lap or let me sit on his. One time he even rubbed my stomach and nipples (Sorry for being so explicit). Also he was like me never having a girlfriend or not complimenting girls, but rather saying a certain guy is hot.
And once while coming for a visit I saw him watching gay porn.

He would do things like this to me a lot, but we would never spoke of them. It's like we knew there was this energy between us when he was doing it, but we were pretending nothing is happening.

Well after a while Jack moved into nearby town and he would rarely come see me and other friends. He was like that. He would hang a lot then just need time for himself. Well our bonds went really far apart, even more so when he started going into high school. He had to spend the week far away in other city. We barely even texted.

2 years forward (Also 2 or 3 years ago from now) me, him and a couple of other friends saw each other and built a bonfire. And like usual with me and Jack, we would all hang together, but then the two of us would wait longer for everyone to leave and we would be alone. We were sitting alone and started moving closer and closer to each other and he would again do one thing. And I just confessed I have this fetish. He actually said: "Oh. That's okay. Nothing wrong. We are still friends" and calmed me since I broke down. Then he would do the thing more now knowing I like it.
BUT I was kinda sad because I was expecting he would admit to something to. But he just shrugged it off. He later asked me if I am gay and I nervously said: "Nooo. That would be silly. I still like girls. And people would make fun of me If I were gay. Ah hah..." It was awkward for both and he also said something like: "Yeah hah yeah I agree of course..."
After that we went home. And again 2 years passed without us seeing...

AND NOW, a couple of days ago, me and my new bestfriend called him down for a visit and he came because he was home. We had fun, playing games, talking and everything. And I could feel we still had that same connection, even looking at each other in a way. At the end of the day, some time before we parted again, he started doing THE THING again! I was shocked and just stayed away, since our friend was with us.

Why I was so shocked is because half a year ago I heared he has a girlfriend and has even brought her home once. This really made me sad. And I know I'm a bad person for that. I should be happy but instead all I felt was regret. Regret that I have a feeling something is between us and he knows it, and I didn't tell him when I had a chance all those years ago. How would it play out?

Jack never liked talking about feelings and he would just shut in usually. Even now when me and friend asked how it is with his GF and he just said "OK" and switched the topic instantly.

Well we decided us 3 might go on a one day trip during the holidays when he comes from another trip with his friend. And I really want to start hanging out more with him now. He even goes to the same city! Not the same college, but still. More chances of seeing him. I want us to be good friends again... but also...

THE PROBLEM. I have feelings for him. Again. I know people hate when you generalize others and I know it's not right, but I still have this feeling he might be gay. I just can't shake it. Yes gay acting guys can still be straight, straight acting ones can be gay... But still... He talks more feminine and he did the thing again.

I get it. If he choose to be with a girl, it's his thing. But I feel like I NEED TO KNOW if we can be friends again and if we had something. I just want to confess him somehow how I feel. I believe it will help me move past the point of having him as my crush if he's not gay or if we talk it through. Because it's hard to get rid of crushes, and with him it's even more intense. I want to know what he was thinking of me and what we had.
Because honestly, if I don't get this out of my way I won't even be able to look at him as a friend.



--TL; DR--
I met my friend Jack after 3 or 2 years of last seeing him and my love for him came back. He still gives off gay vibes and I feel the connection again, BUT he has a girlfriend. I feel like I just want to let him know how I feel, ask how he feels, how he felt and what we had so many years ago. Because if not, I won't even be able to get friends with him again like I want.

I don't know how to do it and how to talk to him about. Please help. Because I cannot stop thinking about him and it's not healthy. But at the same time, I don't want him just out of my life for good.

 

Re: My old bestfriend came back into my life and so did my love for him. But he has a

Eh, I know no one will probably reply or read but I need to get it out.

Today we had this birthday party and drank a bit. I had a huge breakdown and cried, because of my friend I mentioned. I even saw a picture of him and his gf together and it drove me to the edge.

This is not healthy. I cried and I told my friend about it, but I'm still so shaken.

I don't know what to do and these past days have been a torture. I can't do my job properly at work, I can't laugh with friends and I only think of him. It's killing me and I need to do something. I had my fair share of straight crushes but I easily forget them and get over, but this one....

How? How can I have such a reaction over someone I haven't seen for two years. Why do I long for his company. I think my holidays are going to be ruined, especially since I have almost no plans and will probably end up just thinking over my head.

 

Re: My old bestfriend came back into my life and so did my love for him. But he has a

Hey Quantumreality!

I just want advice on what to do. How to approach him. I wrote him if he's up for a drink yesterday but he said he doesn't have time and when I texted again he didn't reply. Probably because he went on a trip.

Anyway I want to get in better touch with him again first. I don't want to just shoot at him that I'm gay. Because I don't know how he changed. (Tho from how we had a great time 4 days ago I feel he's still awesome).

I also don't know what to say about his gf. I don't know if him not talking about her is him not showing interest in her. But he still gives off these vibes.

And this is why I have this regret in me. What if I wasn't such a loser back then and just told him I'm gay. When we still hanged a lot. What if it would be different?

And now I want to know what was between us. To see if he felt anything, how he feels about it now. I just want to know to move on. So we can at least be friends.

You are all probably thinking i'm overreacting. But this is so hard and it's tearing me on the inside.

 

Re: My old bestfriend came back into my life and so did my love for him. But he has a

@Quantumreality

I hope it works out. Right now I feel ashamed because it seems like I'm trying to get to know him again just to see if he's gay or not... ugh. But it's really not like that, I just want to see if we can also be good friends again.

I just hope I won't seem pushy asking him out and stuff. He was always the type to rarely reply by texts so I don't want to just spam him everyday if he's up for it. I need to pick a good time, when I know he might be free.

And about dweling on past... I know I shouldn't but it's hard. Now after 2 years, god know what could change and go other way.


@bluesky

I would return the touches. But usually it was him that initiated it. I was too shy to do it.

I know I made such a huge mistake and it's eating me up! But I wasn't even sure about myself at the time, or wanted to deny it, that's why I didn't tell him.

 

Re: My old bestfriend came back into my life and so did my love for him. But he has a

Oh no no, don't worry. I used wrong words there. I didn't mean to just ask him out, as in a date, I mesnt just like friends.

It just hope I won't seem like to pushy. I'll probably wait until next week, after Christmas. And write him again if he wants to meet up or something.

Tho the wsit is killing me. I just wsnt to get this over with haha

 

Re: My old bestfriend came back into my life and so did my love for him. But he has a

It seems like it. Also you never know what can happen in 4 years not seeing each other. Just as people might become gay (I mean discover), they might become straight. The thing is he was also sent to catholic high school by his parents, aldo he's not really a believer. And I'm not trying to say gay people can't believe in god, so you won't think I'm mean. It's just that it might have that influence.

Well I'll see if he replies, if not, I'll write week later and see how it goes. Hoping for the best but I'm scared

 

Re: My old bestfriend came back into my life and so did my love for him. But he has a

UPDATE!

So two days ago me, my best friend and THIS OLD FRIEND got together for a drink and had a fun time. Me and the old friend who I have a crush on then decided to make plans for next day and we made them true.

Yesterday we went on a short hike around our town and talked a lot and basically had so much fun. He did mention he was at his GF on Christmas and he will wish her happy new years over the phone, because he is working.

Anway nothing strange, we even went to eat a pizza and grab a beer then went home.
BUT! While we were walking home he started saying in a joke how I should be afraid cuz he is gonna fuck me and that now I know what's coming to me. And then he grabed me by my shoulder and started massaging it. I instantly felt that electric feeling, I liked it. He proceeded to rub my head and then stand behind me and hug me by my hip and rubbed it. We then walked on.

So anyway that was strange. Then he went to work and I decided to keep him company by staying awake until morning and chatting with him on facebook. We did. We joked and talked wholeee night. Whole 8 hours from 22.00 to 6.00 next day.

Then he came and picked me up and we went to wait for sunrise and smoke a cigarette. One of my cigarettes broke apart right at filter and I had many more of them so I wanted to take a new one. But he insisted he will hold it together for me and I should smoke. Even tho I wanted a new one. Well he hold it and his fingers were constantly touching my lips.
Lol I was weirded out but I liked it so much. After we smoked we waited and talked for sunrise and then hugged and went home. So this was today.

It was really really strange and I don't know what to make of it.
Well we have plans to go on a hike every 2 or 3 weeks. Grab a beer a lot, chat, play games on computer together and so on.

I really like it, but I will wait a bit so I can hang out a bit more before I tell him I am gay. One topic did come up when he was asking me which girl on game of thrones I think is the hottest, but I just said ones name and tried to brush it off. I didn't have the guts to tell him the truth yet.

 

Re: My old bestfriend came back into my life and so did my love for him. But he has a

Hey hey again!

Yes I like it too! I'm really glad he's putting this much into friendship too. I did tell him how I was sad we lost all contacts during 4 years and he said he know it wasn't right from him. Now we constantly chat.

But god is he sending out mixed signals. I mean he has a gf, but at the same time he does things like this that I wouldn't even call a bromance. I have friends with who I do bromance and it isn't this personal. :/

And yeah I chickened out. I even paused a bit and hummed and stoppe in my mind if I should tell him. But I didn't. :/ I still don't know if I should tell him when we meet or one day through the message?

What I'm scared is. He might be straight. He might be bi. He might not even know. I just don't want him to close in when I tell him. Because I remember when people used to bring gay topic onto me because they suspected I was gay. I would just shut out and get angry you know? And that was before I knew I was gay.

 

Re: My old bestfriend came back into my life and so did my love for him. But he has a

@QuantumReality

Yea you are right. I think telling it in person is better. I mean I told all my friends in person, but with this one I think I am confusing and mixing up two things. Me telling him who I am, and me finding out if he is gay.
I just have to admit about myself first, not everything at once.

And I like this idea too. That kind of joke I actually think would work. I will definitely try it next time.

Ugh it's so stupid. I should be enjoying myself during holidays, but I mostly spent them just overthinking and contemptating problems. And while I am happy that I hang out with him again I'll need to tell him soon, or I will go nuts. I will probably not even enjoy todays celebration. :/

 

Re: My old bestfriend came back into my life and so did my love for him. But he has a

I know. I think I am not mistaking myself, he really does give off the vibes. But at the same time the more he talks about his girlfriend, the more I have a feeling he does care for her.

I mean I don't know if it's hurting him. Like you said, he might be wrestling against the truth, he might be bi, gay... We don't know.
But it is hurting me.

Ugh I know this is childish, but whenevr he mentions her I just get sad and kinda jelaous. I know it's not right. Also I just become cold for a bit. Like before we joke around, then he says "gf something something" and I get all serious...

It's so painfull because at the same time I want to also be friends with him.

Oh and in an hour we are taking a public ride to our college town together. And I'm all moody again because he said that we can go for a drink if his gf will still be at work.
I also don't plan on telling him anything now since someone will be driving us and I'd rather try when alone.

 

Re: My old bestfriend came back into my life and so did my love for him. But he has a

Thank you for the advices. It kinda makes me feel better.

I just got off the ride we had and I feel like shit. Sorry for the words but it's true.
I was kinda sick and he hugged me again and quickly massaged my shoulder like he did some days ago. Anyway wr were joking and he of course mentioned his girlfriend. I went from okay to bad mood in no time.

And when I said jokingly: you are going to pick up your WOMAN. He corrected me that I shouldn't call her that but instead say girlfriend. Of course he said it jokingly but still.

One thing that happened in the car I want to mention. But it's really not huge, I know it was a joke of course. Was when another passanger called her bf and called him Miki. My friend then wrote me a message: Would you be my Miki?
And when I just smiled he asked: Would you?

This was a joke but I'm still mentioning it.

When we parted he hugged me again.

I don't know. I feel so sad. Especially because I know most of situations like mine, even some which I read on here. Ends up with the crush being straight.

Don't worry tho. I'll try and keep my head clear and do the plan like I wanted to.