1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Dealing with pressure from homophobic parents while in medical school- am 26

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by vortices, Dec 19, 2016.

  1. vortices

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Oct 18, 2015
    Messages:
    15
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Baltimore-Washington, DC
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    I'm almost 26, in medical school, and live across the country from my parents. I first had an inkling that I was gay since I was about 13 or 14 but I rationalized and dismissed things away for about half my life, thinking it would go away until I acknowledged that I was gay about a year ago. I kept deadly silent about it to anyone I knew because I was paranoid about not being accepted. This included my parents.

    I never had a religious upbringing. My parents rarely talked about the matter of homosexuality, asides from the usual Republican or conservative viewpoints. My mother is Korean; my dad was in the military.

    I began the process of coming out a year and a half ago. My closest circle of friends know, I now maintain a network of gay friends that I keep completely separate from my network of school friends so that rumors cannot fly from one side to another. My best friend (straight) and his mom knows. My psychologist and priest knows. All of them have been very affirming.

    Enter my parents. Both of them grew up very poor in very abusive and neglectful childhoods, and I'm an only child. As a result (and I appreciate them for this), they have sacrificed a lot to help ensure I had the opportunities they never had. As a result, however, I feel that they are way overprotective and I don't feel that they acknowledge my being an adult and the dynamics between me and them haven't changed in 10 years. I want to move towards a "I handle my own affairs, you handle yours" type situation, my dad insists on "we're a family, we work together". My mom, to my chagrin, has no boundaries because she feels she has the right to know everything and she literally has a "I gave birth to you, I own your body" mentality. This is often typical of Asian parents, where absolute obedience even if you're an adult, is the norm. My parents sacrificed themselves for me, under the belief that there is a greater purpose and by helping me achieve my dreams and doing God's work as a physician, they in turn are doing God's work and they feel they have a holy purpose or something like that. "My success is their success" or so they say.

    So you can imagine my hesitation over the past 12 years in saying anything because I really hate arguments and prefer to be left alone in peace so I can work and achieve my own dreams. I found it extremely convenient that no one questioned why is it I never dated because it meant I never had to confront the issue of my own homosexuality. My accomplishments in turn would help shield me in case anyone "found out".

    The past couple of years, I had been dealing with a lot of stress, not related to my sexuality in medical school because I had moved across the country and had a difficult adjustment. Last year, I had a concussion that adversely affected my academic performance, and as a result, I have to repeat the school year. At the same time, my mom asked me 17 times over the course of 6 months what girls I was interested in. She essentially refused to believe my concussion had anything to do with my academic performance because she thought it was just an excuse and didn't explain my first year. She asked me repeatedly if I was on drugs or was wondering if I was in a relationship or not. I was getting paranoid that she was onto me on the fact I'm 25 and never dated. Which led me to confront the fact that I was gay. After I got the news that I had to repeat the school year, and was in shock, she kept telling me to spit out what was on my mind because she can tell, and I told her that I was gay while I was laying in her lap.

    Cue 18 hours of screaming and yelling at each other. Then she flew back home, told me she was disowning me, and accused me of abandoning the family because I was choosing "perverted sex" over my parents. My dad finally talked to me over the phone a couple of days later, my mom was wailing over the phone and calling me repeatedly, telling me I wasn't a human for doing "this" to them, even though I told her repeatedly I wanted to be honest and I loved her. My mom demanded money that she loaned to me and that I promised to pay back after medical school, early. So I finally cut all contact over the phone with both of them.

    Long story short, this is what they believe: There is no biological component to human sexuality, and they never taught me to be gay. I am having a spiritual crisis. Homosexuality is one of the Devil's temptations, and the Devil has been poisoning my mind. The past two years have been the result of the Devil poisoning my mind and the emotional baggage that comes with it. The fact that I was struggling with my feelings in the past was because I knew it was wrong. I am destined to do great things, and if I follow through with this sin, I will lose God's favor and will not be successful as a doctor. Nobody will go to a gay doctor (or surgeon), because they will focus on the fact that he is gay and might have HIV. Everybody is only pretending they accept me, the reality is everyone things gay people are disgusting. Because of this I will not be successful and I will be unhappy. Because I can't control my "impulses", and didn't 7 years ago, plus told other friends about myself, I pissed on their 26 years of sacrifice for me. Because I pissed on it, I am a traitor to my family and am ungrateful and what I did was evil. Because they are unwilling to accept this "sin" and want no part of it, if I back away from them, I am abandoning the family.

    So I was left coping with grief after I cut off contact with them except for text messaging my dad so he knows I'm alive. My mom sent two weeks worth of the above message telling me that karma will get back to me, etc, threatening to cut off my health insurance, telling me that the idealized son she knew is dead, etc.

    At the same time, I was dealing with medical school. Six months later, I finally got back in touch with them because it was winter break and I'd have at least 2-3 weeks to cope with whatever happened. And also, over this six months, my dad told me in every text message that I must live and think according to God's plan.

    Furthermore, I have to have surgery done back in my hometown. As it turns out, my mom is even angrier than before. I tried explaining why I cut off contact for six months, and both of my parents blamed me for my own suffering, their own suffering, and the entire situation and the fact that I "couldn't control my impulses". This was four days ago. The past three days, my conversation with my dad has been civil, although today, he basically said that he's avoided temptations with adultery, and that what comes with it was betrayal to the other spouse. So I guess what I "did" to them was morally equivalent to adultery. My dad also told me that this was the first and last time I would cut off contact with them because "we're a family and we work together to fix problems."

    I hesitate on the idea of staying at home, and I wanted to stay in a neutral spot other than my parents' house, and my dad rejected the idea, again, under "we're a family and we work together". I want space because I deserve a restful recovery from the surgery and I know that my mom is likely going to provoke an argument again. If I leave the house then, that will provoke more drama, followed by multiple phone calls or being followed, and if I cut them off again, they will cut me off or guilt trip me again. They don't see any of the faults in themselves because they're convinced they're righteous and I'm the one who's wrong every time.

    I told them everything they wanted to hear this time around, that I'm working with the priest and psychologist and am pursuing a celibate life. But ultimately, this is not the life I want to live. I don't want to be single.

    So, how do I respond to them in terms of phrases or justifications parents will understand? Because cutting them off is on the table, even though this is the last thing I want to do.
     
  2. johndeere3020

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Sep 20, 2016
    Messages:
    1,104
    Likes Received:
    426
    Location:
    Minnesota
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    Vortices, I am sorry that you are going through all of this and I don't have answers for you but I can offer the following thought.

    For the bulk of my 44 years of life I have been trying to please my father. No matter what I do, the decisions I make are never to his approval. So recently I decided to quit trying to please him and live my own life. Something I regret not doing 25 years ago, for I would be in a better situation in life now, I would at least have an education.

    Your young, very smart to be in med school, you are an adult, so do what is right for you, for it is YOUR life and it does not belong to anyone else.

    Take Care
    Dean
     
  3. Mrcake

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 25, 2013
    Messages:
    467
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Wisconsin
    Gender:
    Male
    Oh my gosh I am so sorry to hear this. I don't think that your parents are being very grateful that their son has accomplished so much over the years. I sometimes feel the same way here but my parents do not think like yours do. I would like to hope that you could talk with your dad and have him persuade your mother to stop thinking about such horrible thoughts toward her own kin. Your mom needs to realize that you are a blessing and that people don't just choose who to be attracted to. I hope your surgery goes well. If your parents continue to ostracize you, you may have to fight back and say that you won't pay anything back to them -- although this will not accomplish anything.
     
  4. KiwiGeek

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jan 31, 2017
    Messages:
    14
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Auckland
    I'm so sorry to hear. Actually sounds a bit like what I am going through with my family so I can commiserate - it's a horrible situation.

    My family and I are currently existing within an uneasy truce where we are all just going about our business without mentioning the elephant in the room. It's not a long term solution but might help in the immediate - if for no other reason to try and stop the arguments while you're recovering from surgery.