So yeah i’ve been dating this guy for like 4 months now, and he’s my first boyfriend so i’m kinda clueless on how to deal with this situation but for the experience point of view its been kinda not great. He barely have time for me, cuz he’s working as a Flight Attendant and has this unusual working hours, and he’s very secretive about me. These are the scenarios that have had happened for the past 4 months; 1. He never introduce me to any of his friends, co-workers, relatives or families. 2. If i stayed over at his apartment he told me to wait at the apartment’s lobby just in case his co-workers might see us together (while he got to his car). 3. We are dating at the mall and he told me if he see one of his friends at the mall, I need to stay away from him as quick as possible, or if its an emergency he’s gonna tell his friend that i’m his “friend” from Australia (which is somewhat kind of insulting for me) 4. We NEVER took any photos or selfies together, because he said that someone might see it from his phone’s album. 5. If i told him to introduce me to his friends and bring me along if he has plans to hangout with his friends he told me that he’s not ready and somewhat psychotic about it, and told me that if one of my friend know that i’m gay everyone will know, even my family. (i guess the word “promise/swear” are not in his dictionary ) 6. He changed our plans just so he can hang out with his friends (not frequently) but thats just low, and proved that he’s not wrth it. 7. I want to break up, but he keeps on insisting to hold on to him a little longer by means 1 or 2 years so he can tell his family and friends. (bullshit perhaps?) 8. The only people that can know that we are dating are from within my circle (my friends, and my families) not his. 9. The hierarchy of me is rather the lowest rank of his priority, his family comes first, his work is the second, his friends are the third, and then the last is me. 10. Have to be quiet in EVERY phone calls he picked up. Yeah, i guess this relationship sucks. But i need some peeps to give me advice, cuz this is my first relationship and it seems hopeless, its fun at the first time but its getting annoying and im sick of these bullshits.
lindblumcastle, I don't know how things are in Bangkok, so I can only offer my thoughts from my experience in Seattle in the U.S. I think it's really challenging when you are trying to date someone who's in a different stage of self-acceptance and coming out than you are. Because non-straight men are shamed and treated as different from the start, there is a big incentive to stay in the closet. Everyone needs to decide for themselves whether it's right for them to come out and give up the privilege and status of heterosexuality. This even assumes that they've already identified their sexual orientation and accepted it. The above probably doesn't surprise you but I want to note that you're further ahead on a significant journey that he may never decide to undertake. What do you need from this relationship, as a minimum set of requirements? In simple terms, do you feel that you are giving and taking as much as he is? Do you have balance in your relationship? The above 10 items would not work for me, but I don't have your experience and I don't live where you are. If there is a lot of homophobia and oppression and you feel that he's justified in staying so secretive, then perhaps this is how the relationship must be. However, if you feel that he either can't or won't be at least reasonably as "out" as you are, then the gap is by his choice. In any case his behavior is reflecting his priorities and values - just as yours are - and your differing values are leading you in different directions. This relationship wouldn't work for me. I am out because I do not believe that being gay is a dirty secret. My outness reflects my decision to accept and be open about who I am. To date someone who's in the closet and to abide by his conditions basically puts me back in the closet, reinforces the shame, bigotry, and homophobia I've worked hard to escape, and could even create doubt in my mind about ever coming out in the first place. That's a lot of backtracking to do for someone and it doesn't sound like a healthy relationship to me. I remember an old movie from about 1998, "Get Real". It's a British film about exactly this issue, set as a coming out story in high school. It might be a bit simplified but I think it's a great example and might be worth seeing just to think about the dynamics a bit. Please consider what you need and do what you must to get it, and take care of yourself in the process. *warm hugs and best wishes* Patrick
okay well first of all, the part about him not wanting to be seen in public with you may be out of sheer insecurity. he might just not feel comfortable being seen with another guy. it may have nothing to do with you. second of all, don't let him tell you that you can't break up. if you want to break up with him then you need to do it. remember, a relationship is two-sided. i'd much rather be in no relationship than in a fake one. third, maybe tell him how you feel? if you haven't already, maybe he doesn't realize that he's putting you lowest in his importance. obviously this isn't an excuse but this way it could be resolved. i think overall you just have to listen to your feelings. remember that if you don't like the relationship that you're in then you shouldn't be in it.
Thank you for the answers everyone, The thing is here in Bangkok is quite normal for gays, lesbians, ladyboys to be out. But I guess his insecurities and his fears are dragging him down. On my point of view, he's shown progress that he's comfortable being with me in public compared to the first time we dated in public. And the thing is that he's really trying so hard not to show his "gay" side or should i say "sissy" also we are both don't really act like one. (not that is a bad thing) I told him about my feelings, but then he started to get a little psycho about it. He said that "if i tell one of my friend that i'm gay, i swear by the end of the week 10 people will know it. And same goes to my family". Since then i never touch this topic again, and just play with it. I'm just wondering is he worth the wait.. I guess i will take my time and rethink about this
Good idea. Just make sure you're thinking about yourself. If you really love him, you'll wait for him. But if you don't, just take a break. See how it feels. You might come back later but right now the important thing is to make sure you're comfortable.
