Should I ask him?

Okay, before you read this, it may be helpful to read this old thread of mine, as it relates to the same person. http://emptyclosets.com/forum/family-friends-relationships/145170-need-advice-how-proceed.html

(It's cringe-worthy to read, know. But hey, I was 16.)

Long story short I never did end up talking to him about any of that, though I've continued to suspect that he's gay (or bi, or whatever). I could elaborate as to why, and go into excruciating detail about every fucked up thing that's happened in my life over the better part of the past three years, but you'd all be reading until New Year's Day. (Plus it's not exactly cheerful and I wouldn't want to put any of that on you guys.)

So, anyway, a few days ago I was browsing a reddit thread that asked "what small confession do you need to get off your chest?", and I see a comment that says "I'm confused about my sexuality. Probably gay, but haven't figured it all out yet."

I almost keep scrolling, but then I notice the username.

The username is the same one that my friend used to use when he was younger. I clicked on it and the account had only been created a month previously, and that was the only visible activity. Now, this is a very random username, and I'm extremely doubtful that it would belong to anyone else. Like, if you were to put it into Google, literally nothing would come up in search results. (Although if you were to type a slight variation of it you'd find my friend's YouTube channel, but nothing else.)

I can't be 100% sure it belongs to him of course, but to me it just seems like one coincidence too many at this point. He does have a main reddit account that he occasionally uses that he's had for several years, and that all his friends know about so maybe he created this one so he could post more privately. I don't know. I'm probably the only one who would recognize that username, and I'm sure he wouldn't have thought that I of all people would happen to see his particular comment out of literally thousands of others. I mean, seriously, what are the frickin' odds of that! (Maybe I should play the damn lottery this week...)


Now, I haven't seen him since summer. He's going to college out of state (though he's back right now) and I now live over an hour's drive away from his home. We still message each other fairly frequently though.


But, my question is, should I even bring this up? And if so, how?

It might seem more than a little stalker-ish if I took a screenshot, sent it to him and asked "hey, is this you?" I wouldn't put it so bluntly of course, but still...

I really don't want to freak him out or make him angry or anything.

I've thought about maybe creating a new account myself and sending a PM to that user (which I assume is my friend) and say something like this:

"Hi. So I stumbled across your comment a few days ago, and based on your username, I suspect that you are one of my friends (please don't freak out or anything, I wouldn't tell anyone unless you gave me permission). I'm obviously not certain, but that is a rather unique username, so I have to wonder. If you don't mind, would you be willing to give some tiny bit of personal information that, if you are indeed my friend, I might know? It doesn't have to be your full name or anything like that, on the chance that you're a complete stranger. But it could be your first name, or initials, or birthday, name of your sibling or dog, your middle name, city of birth, whatever. Just something that a friend might know.

I'm asking because I know what it's like to be confused about your sexuality, and if you are in fact who I think you are, you should know that you can always talk to me.

If it turns out that you are not who I suspect that you are (or indeed, simply not yet ready to tell me), then I'm sorry for taking up your time.

Regardless, you'll eventually figure your sexuality out. Don't stress about putting a label on yourself; just be you.

Sincerely,

<My first name>"


That still seems a bit creepy though.


So, any thoughts?

 

I wouldn't want to receive messages like that either, especially the latter option. (I'd much rather be asked directly.)

However I've been wondering for years what his sexual orientation is, and especially with this newest development, I just feel like I should say something soon.

I do still have feelings for him, but I'm not sure if "coming clean" about that is the best idea at this point.

For one, I don't think he even knows that I'm bisexual. I've never really dated anybody, and I don't exactly go around telling people what my sexual orientation is. (My family is apparently quite a bit more homophobic than I had thought, and this has given me doubts about other people as well.) I only tell people if they genuinely ask, and as a result, only two people know. One of them is also friends with Adam, but I don't think he would have said anything.

Also, if he is indeed still struggling with his sexual orientation, I'm not sure how he'd react. I don't want to suddenly drop that on him and freak him out, or potentially make the situation worse.

I suppose I could simply come out to him, but again, given that he may be struggling with his own sexual orientation, I'm not sure if I should. Plus, while I'm not opposed to telling him through a message, it's something that I'd prefer to to in person.

I try not to give this too much thought as I end up torturing myself, however I would be lying if I said I hadn't thought the same as you.

Unfortunately, I suspect that there's someone else that he currently has feelings for. (Though while that particular kid is quite flirtatious with everybody, I am fairly certain he's straight.)

But hey, I might be looking into that too much. They could just be close friends. I'm admittedly a little jealous of how much time they spend together and might be seeing something that isn't there.

Unfortunately this is easier said than done.

I've tried for years to get him to open up to me more, and while it seemed to work for a while, during my senior year of high school things kind of reverted to the way things were between us, except that this time he seems to have opened himself up to a different group of friends (one of whom is the person that I suspect he has a bit of a crush on). Some of this happened because we ended up not having any classes or many free periods together, and some of it was that I was having some health problems (migraines) and a pretty tough time at home, so I imagine wasn't exactly pleasant to be around. I'm a little socially awkward to begin with, and at the time I was kind of miserable, and would occasionally snap at people.

Now of course he's going to college in Illinois, while I'm still in upstate NY, so I haven't seen him. And even though he's back in NY currently, I moved and now live over an hour away and don't have my driver's license yet, so it's not like I can just drive down and see him whenever.

Also, whenever we've gotten together, it's always been me asking him. He has never once contacted me and asked if I wanted to do something. I have no idea if this is specific to me, or if he's like this with everyone. It does kind of hurt that he hasn't asked though. I know he's gone to the movies and what not with a few other people since he's been back.


Don't get me wrong, it's not like we're not on friendly terms or anything (we message each other multiple times a week), it's just that we don't actually see each other. Maybe I'll see him a few times before he has to head back, not not enough to hang out with him to any significant extent (though anything is better than nothing, I suppose).

I can either message him about this, or I can wait until I'm able to see him more frequently (which could be a ways off).

My knee-jerk reaction is to try to message him and bring it up in the gentlest way possible, but I'm not sure if it's a good idea.