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Repairing a friendship

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by rch1, Dec 21, 2016.

  1. rch1

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    Hey guys,

    So I'm one of those guys who fell in love with his best friend blah blah blah. I told him everything like 3 months ago and, while he was definitely a little freaked out, I thought he took it pretty well. He already knew I was gay so maybe that helped. I told him it had got to the point where I felt like I had to tell him, had to try and move on from him, because he was driving me insane. He apologized for not being gay and said he wanted to stay friends. We go to different colleges but see each other almost every day when we're both on break from school. I saw him over Thanksgiving break and now we're both home for Christmas break and it's just been weird between us. I can't tell if I'm being weird around him or he's being weird around me or both. It's definitely a little uncomfortable for me knowing he knows it makes me kinda self-conscious idk. We haven't been alone since I told him always in our group of other friends from home and it seems like he'd rather talk to them than me. Like i said I always considered him my best friend in the group and now i feel like I'm losing him. The rest of them don't even know I'm gay...

    So anyway telling him everything did help. He's had a girlfriend for almost 2 years now and I felt bad telling him while he was in a relationship but I felt like I had to do something. I finally was able to accept the situation in my head, come to a peace with it I guess, after telling him. I finally understand completely that I'm never gonna be with him, and I'm okay with that but I still want to be a part of his life... he also said over Thanksgiving that his girlfriend thinks we all hate her. He said it was because she got really drunk with us once, but I think he might have been subliminally talking to just me, saying that she thinks I hate her because I also love him...

    I want to talk to him one more time. I want to tell him that I don't hate his girlfriend, not at all actually I think she's pretty cool. And I want to tell him that I finally came to peace with the situation and I want us to just be friends. I want to tell him again that I'm sorry I let this shit get to me so much and I should have been able to handle it myself without telling him. I want to tell him that I just want to be friends again like we were before. I hope telling him all this will ease the tension around us a little bit but idk. I'm worried that he doesn't want to talk about it anymore and if I bring it up again things will get even worse. Idk I don't want to lose him completely but maybe I already did. I don't know what to do... any advice would be greatly appreciated
     
  2. Calypto

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    Hey!

    I went through something very similar but this was with a guy I used to work with. We were on a night out and of course we were both together. I always "lusted" for him as I knew I couldn't love him, he is straight. Anyway, I could very drunk but still remember most of that night and I got extremely emotional and told him my true feelings for him. Again like in your case, he told me he was not gay and I accepted this and I apologised for bringing this to his attention. I remember it making me feel that I dropped a bomb on our friendship.

    Luckily for me on the other hand, I had to work with him as we both worked in the same department. Since that night out, I never rehashed the situation to him, didn't want to make him feel awkward. I can't remember it feeling awkward when we were near each other.

    I did leave my job shortly after and moved locations completely but it was nothing to do with this, completely unrelated but he was down my neck of the woods as he also changed jobs too so as soon as I saw on Facebook that he was nearby, I messaged him and invited him to come to the pub with me. This did not feel awkward, it was just a casual few drinks, reminisced the past and we both felt great! I will admit, this was 2 years later from leaving my last job.

    I think maybe more time is needed for you, a little break for each other if that's possible. As we know, Rome wasn't built in a day!

    Time is always a good healer and I think you'd both benefit from this. Give it a few months, maybe a little longer. Wait until Summer time and possibly invite him out for drinks, may help to include some other friends but one thing I strongly recommend if when you do meet up again, do not meet him with the thoughts of the past happenings otherwise you're not in the correct mindset. Humans, as well as other animals are good as sensing body language, does this make sense?!
     
  3. Michael

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    You know what it would have been really weird? If there had been zero weirdness between you both after you told him. For him it must have been a surprise, so he needs time to come to terms with it.
    The good news is that he seems to be genuinely your friend. Somebody else would have freaked out and ran away from you, which he has not. Now you can't expect him not to put distance between you both : Part of him knows how you really feel, and that part wants to prevent hurting you, therefore the wisest is to keep a bit the distances. Another part might still be under shock, but I don't think that part will stand on your way...

    The best you can do is just to act natural. Try to shrug it off, don't make a big thing out of it. Heterosexual males tend to feel quite uncomfortable discussing feelings in general, and we are talking here about his gay friend who 'confessed'... It is a real sign of friendship he is not avoiding you (and he is not, he is just keeping the distance).

    Just act normal, try to act as you did before you told him, and things will become normal. It will take time, but it will happen.

    Don't force an argument, and don't be the first to talk about it. He will, in time, when he is ready and willing to bury the story. Or else he will show you. Words don't mean that much, you know...
     
  4. rch1

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    Thank you both for responding I really do appreciate the help. You both gave really good advice and you're right that I need to chill and let him fully come to terms with this.

    Calypto you are probably right that time apart would help but I'm not sure how it would work. One even though it's weird I still want to see him... and two I'm not sure how we'd explain not seeing each other. There's a group of like 5 of us that always hangs out and people would ask questions if we stopped hanging out. I'm not sure I'm ready to deal with those questions.

    And Michael you're right that he's a great friend I feel bad for putting this shit on him... hopefully you're right and things will get normal with time
     
  5. Quantumreality

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    Hey rch1,

    The reality would seem to be (from my outside perspective), that you are still crushing on him. He TOLD you that he’s both not Gay nor interested in you ‘that way.’ He clearly said that he still wants to be your friend.

    Uh, yeah, at this point, you’re being ‘weird.’ He, as an apparently straight guy, has had to deal with your stated crush on him and he still wants to be your friend. Take that as a compliment and the trust of a true friend.

    As Calypto said, if it helps you, spend some time apart from him. There is no reason not to tell him why you want to do that, however. Open communication and trust are two keys to an honest relationship.

    As Michael indicated, it would have been very strange (unless he was also crushing on you) if he WASN’T surprised by your statement about your feelings for him.

    At this point, if he really matters to you, as a friend, then just treat him as a friend. No fuss. No muss. All’s good.

    Why overthink this? DON’T tell him that you don’t hate his girlfriend. That would just point out the fact that you are jealous of her. Just try to think about how much you respect him and keep him as a very good friend. If that means you have to spend some time apart so that you can overcome your crush on him, so be it. Be honest with him and tell him that you need that time and that you will reinitiate contact when you are ready, but that this issue is totally about you, not him.

    Just some thoughts.:slight_smile:
     
  6. rch1

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    Hey Quantumreality,

    I think you've responded to almost everything I've ever posted and I see you responding to many other peoples posts as well. Just wanted to say that I really appreciate the time you take to do all this and I'm sure everyone else here does as well. Keep doing you.

    As for this situation, you're definitely right that I'm overthinking it, I've been overthinking it for 4 years now. I don't know how to stop overthinking it. You're also right that I'm still crushing on him, I do really think I've mostly gotten over the thought of being with him but I haven't gotten over him. Anyway like you and the others said I'm gonna try and act as normal as possible and just be friends and hopefully with time our friendship will be close to what it was again.